Choosing Not to Be a Victim

Last week’s post is missing. Where did it go?

It got wiped out by two weeks of negative internal chatter and a brain stuck firmly on the worst-case future. When I finally climbed out, this week’s post showed up on its own: your victimhood perspective is what’s keeping you stuck.

You know the victimhood perspective. Life is harder for you specifically; your circumstances are uniquely difficult; you can’t do it; none of it is fair- those thoughts.

They’re the thoughts that lead to bad choices, or no choices at all, just avoidance stacked on avoidance. Instead of tackling what needs doing with some hope attached, you end up dragged into it, kicking and screaming only once things have gotten bad enough to force your hand.

I can think of one thing people avoid constantly this way. Taxes, anyone?

Taxes aren’t actually my issue; I like doing those. What I avoid, when I’m caught in this particular thought pattern, sounds more like: I’m too busy. My life is harder than everyone else’s. There’s basically a conspiracy against me pulling this off. I can’t do it; I’m not capable.

That was me last week, feeling forced into something I didn’t want to do.

I started by trying to let it roll off me. My last post, before this gap, was actually about waiting to see what would unfold.

That approach failed. Turns out I have very little patience for uncertainty. It felt like a countdown running in the background of my life, and I had zero control over it.

So I broke my own rule and started talking to people about it, mostly because I felt sorry for myself and wanted some sympathy.

I got the sympathy. Did it help? No. It just fed the “my life is so unfair” file a little more.

Some people told me, gently or not, that I needed to be an adult about it. I heard them, and promptly filed that too under more proof that my life was unfair. Why do I always have to be the adult? Not fair. I’m always the adult.

So I sat with it for a couple more days and felt progressively worse. I hadn’t felt that low in a while.

Eventually I pulled out my usual tools and started tricking my brain back into a better place. I wrote a lot of angry, unsent emails to myself. I started several blog posts that were mostly blame dressed up as reflection. I began writing down three things I was grateful for every morning, and got my kids doing it too, no yelling that particular morning, coincidence or not. I journaled. I basically tried to channel Pollyanna, which is funny given that in my twenties, a friend once accused me of being too much like her, and it wasn’t meant as a compliment. That trait got buried for years running with a crowd of Eeyores.

Eventually I landed on a line I kept repeating to myself: I’m choosing not to be a victim. I can deal with whatever gets thrown at me. I always have. That’s just life, and everyone’s dealing with something. Some of it really is terrible, some of it really is unfair, and we all still have to deal with it anyway. I get to choose how.

Then I sat down and actually became the adult. I addressed what had been making me feel like a victim, in the way I actually know how to address things.

And that was it. I got my life back. I started moving in the direction I actually wanted again. I reached out to people I’d been avoiding, caught up on my work backlog, and felt like myself again.

So if you’re feeling stuck and unhappy, check your perspective first. Are you telling yourself life is unfair right now?

If the answer’s yes, that’s the actual work.