Blame and Happiness

I went to a great workshop a few weeks ago put on by Dr. Sue Goldswain and John Boland. If you’re ever in the market for a marriage counsellor, they’re worth looking into.

One thing that stuck with me: it takes two people to build a relationship, and two people to take one down. If a marriage ends in divorce, both people played some part in that.

It was a relief to hear it wasn’t entirely on me.

It got me thinking, though. I hear a lot of different versions of how a marriage failed or is failing, and I’ve noticed something consistent: the person doing more of the blaming tends to be the one hurting more.

I know this because I lived it. I hated my ex when we first separated, and I was miserable. How could I have married someone so horrible? As the blame slowly faded, it actually turned into something closer to gratitude, and I got noticeably happier along the way.

How do you feel about your own relationship right now? If you’re doing a lot of blaming, is it actually fixing anything?

Renée

Renée

My days these days are mostly advocacy, with my kids always first, and hiking, biking, and cold plunging worked in whenever I can. Winter cold plunges aren’t for everyone, but there’s a strange kind of beauty and calm in it that I’ve come to need.

Separation was a journey. It took time, and it taught me most of what I know now.

I write about what I learned along the way, and about the family justice system I ended up spending years inside of.