Thoughts – Alone

Do you sometimes think to yourself, “I am alone”?

I do. Usually right after dropping my kids off at school on the first day of a five-day stretch at their dad’s.

It doesn’t matter that thirty minutes earlier they were driving me completely bonkers with the noise and the fighting, and I couldn’t wait to get them out the door. The second I give them a hug and a kiss goodbye and walk away from the school, reluctant every time, the thoughts take over.

Here’s a sample:

I don’t get to see my kids for five days. Actually six, if you count Wednesday, when they’re at school anyway.

It’s not natural for a mom not to see her kids.

I can do this. I know this is just a thought.

I’m sad. That’s allowed. This is a sad situation.

I have things planned for this time. Two days ago I was actually looking forward to having it. Remember that feeling.

I am alone.

That last one is the one that really gets me. I’m not sure there’s a more demotivating, devastating thought out there. It pulls me right out of living the day the way I actually want to, with hope, joy, and some sense of purpose.

I’m writing this down mostly to name exactly what that thought does to me when I let it take the wheel. Awareness is supposed to be the first step. I’m hoping that’s true.

Renée

Renée

My days these days are mostly advocacy, with my kids always first, and hiking, biking, and cold plunging worked in whenever I can. Winter cold plunges aren’t for everyone, but there’s a strange kind of beauty and calm in it that I’ve come to need.

Separation was a journey. It took time, and it taught me most of what I know now.

I write about what I learned along the way, and about the family justice system I ended up spending years inside of.