“Life is a journey, not a destination”. “Life is beautiful”.

I stare at both mantras daily as I eat dinner with my kids – the mantras stare out at me from placemats that my parents gave me for Christmas ten years ago. 

I wholeheartedly agree with my placemats but have not lived my life like a journey despite my agreement.

Instead, I’m always packing my bags to get somewhere and still figuring out what to take with me. Every day, I sort through my “stuff” and fret that I’ve forgotten something or packed incorrectly.

But something has shifted this past year. 

Defining what has shifted is hard; it’s more of a feeling. What has changed? I can only identify it by noticing what is missing, and what is missing is anxiety and anxiety’s friend, depression. It is ironic, but I had anxiety that my anxiety was missing for about six months. I felt oddly “flat,” and I wondered if I was depressed for a few more months.  I’ve still had many moments of anger, grief, happiness, and boredom over the past few months, but they’ve felt different – the emotions lasted however long they needed to last, and then they were gone. The anxiety, depression, and drive that pushed me onward, which usually took over from the first emotional trigger, had disappeared. 

What happened?

For a while, I kept trying to find an answer to why I felt different. There must be a clear, concrete “something” that suddenly caused me to change. The headaches I started to develop that were explained by menopause instead were signs of brain cancer, and brain cancer was impacting my emotions, was one thought I had. Or even menopause had caused me to shift suddenly.

I looked for one thing to explain my shift and minimized all the subtle changes I had made over the past ten years. I did not acknowledge that my shift could relate to my work to live in alignment with my values, slow down and live in the present. I did not recognize the ten years of life experience and daily challenges I have given myself through my day-to-day living as a full-time single parent on a part-time basis, navigating new relationships, and building my own business. I forgot about my ten years of coaching and training, the mistakes I had to address and hold myself accountable for, and the successes that had taught me what works and doesn’t.

Instead, I assumed I had magically changed or imagined something was wrong.

Our world acknowledges social media-worthy and groundbreaking change accompanied by fireworks and celebration. Our world treats change like a destination we arrived at suddenly, not an evolution that took us years.

Then, when we don’t change, and our world doesn’t change, we give up, throw up our hands, say it’s impossible to change and succumb to anxiety or depression. We carry on as we carried on before, feeling heavy and living as we always have – assuming that nothing will ever change and living to survive and hoping one day, maybe we will find that elusive life destination in which we are happy, everything works as it should, and we will be done – we will have accomplished “life.”

Change takes time

In life, we search for that defining moment, a single catalyst that transforms us into a new version of ourselves. Change is not a sudden destination but an ongoing evolution. Until we recognize this, we will continue to evolve slowly, if at all. We are navigating the evolving path of life, acknowledging its nuances, and embracing the journey with all its complexities. As I continue to unpack the baggage of expectations and learn to appreciate each moment, I find solace in the understanding that life’s beauty lies not in the destination but in the perpetual journey of change and growth.