What a Budget Can Do for You

What a Budget Can Do for You

by | Jan 2, 2024 | Divorce, Finances

What do you think when you hear the word budget? 

Do you think: “Ugh – I know I should do one, but I’m going to discover I can’t spend the way I want,” or, “Budgeting will confirm I don’t make enough money; there’s no way I can afford to live the life I want.” Or perhaps you think you don’t need one, as you’ve always managed just fine. 

What is the thought that is stopping you from budgeting? 

Very few of us proactively plan our spending – many of us spend what we have and only do a budget when we start to notice we are spending more than we bring in and are heading into a financial crisis. 

What if, instead, we proactively planned how to spend our money? 

If we proactively planned our spending, we would have much higher odds of living the life we want instead of being controlled by our money – much like a ping pong ball in a pinball machine, which is how most of the world operates. 

When starting over post-separation, having a spending plan, that is, a budget, allowed me to build the path to my dreams. 

I needed to know where I stood financially, how much money was coming in, and how much would go out. I also needed to understand how and why I spent money. 

At the time of my divorce, I was a stay-at-home mom and had been out of the workforce for five years. I also had a seven-year-old and a four-year-old that I had to care for on a shared parenting basis. In BC, where I live, having a shared parenting arrangement means that each parent must pay child support to their co-parent based on their total income for the most recently ended tax year. I didn’t have any reportable income for the past year, so I agreed that I could have an income of $30,000 imputed to me – this means that I could likely earn $30,000 for the coming year. Imputed income is not actual cash flow coming in, but it did mean that I would receive less child support from my co-parent. 

I had about $1,000 per month coming in for child support, some government benefits ($120 per month) and nothing else. I also had zero cash reserves, but I did have RRSP savings and an accounting designation. 

I also had done my budget – I needed another $1,000 monthly to cover the basics (housing and food). 

I also knew, deep down, that there was no way I was going back to the work I had been doing before I had my children. The hours didn’t work, and it had been slowly destroying my soul as it was not aligned with my values. It would have certainly solved my money problems, though. I had made quite a bit more than the imputed $30,000. 

So, while my budget seemed bleak (it proved I would have to scramble to cover everything), it created a path I could follow, and while I knew I would not be saving anything for a while, I would be living the life I wanted. I would have time to care for my children without worrying about childcare and have enough to cover the basics while creating a life that aligns with me. 

An essential part of the budget process is knowing yourself. 

Knowing yourself and your circumstances opens up an entirely new world. If you know what drives you and what you need in life, your budget will become the empowering tool it is meant to be, a tool to help you make decisions. It is not a set of instructions you have to follow for the rest of your life – just because we put that you get to spend $2000 a year on travel does not mean you can never spend a nickel more. You could take an extra job or cut back somewhere. Your budget allows you to decide where you save and spend your money, and if you know how you like doing this, then your budget combines with this knowledge to make the decisions work for you.

My strong understanding of my cash flow and financial and life circumstances allowed me to stay on my path. I dipped into my RRSP to pay for coaching and sold a few things to give me the extra cash flow I needed to keep afloat. Soon, friends who knew I needed work started giving me the odd accounting job to give me the additional cash flow I needed. At the same time, I built my business to become a collaborative professional supporting people navigating separation, and I then pivoted to become a financial coach. The first accounting gig I got was collections work – this was certainly not something I liked doing, but I knew it was a short-term term gig, and it led me to find other short-term accounting work and introduced me to people and their friends, many of whom would turn up in my life again in my new roles as a financial neutral and then a financial coach. 

Ten years post-separation, I am truly living the life I want, and I’m still budgeting to keep living the life I want. Budgeting is a process that keeps us on the path to living our dreams. 

Evolving Out of “Stuck”

by | Dec 27, 2023 | Divorce, Finances, Parenting, Tools & Tips

We do not have to wait to find happiness somewhere in the distance sometime in the future. Our old ideas about the paths to joy have evolved; we can choose happiness now. 

Do you feel stuck? Do you feel like you’re living in limbo? Do you think your destiny is to keep doing the same things repeatedly – tweaking your life as best you can to survive it? Are you at the mercy of someone else? Is your money controlling you? Are the systems you find yourself in trapping you in a life you didn’t sign up for? Do you feel sorry for yourself, unloved and alone? 

There is a path out of limbo, but it’s hard to find and often hard to stay on once you find it, as it requires the evolution of your beliefs about the path to happiness. 

The well-worn paths we can see in front of us are the ones we naturally follow and find ourselves on. The paths the world shows us are so well-trodden and easy to follow that we need to develop our minds and eyes to see the uncommon paths that will lead us to a better place. 

It can be hard to head off on a path that no one else is taking, and it often seems like we are hand-delivered right to the start of those well-worn paths. What paths does the world hold out to us? 

  1. To wait for someone to rescue us. 
  2. To “fix” our lives until they are tolerable. 
  3. To silently suffer until we do something dramatic to propel us out of limbo. 

If you choose path one, waiting for someone to come to the rescue, you will likely wait a long time because more people need to be rescued than rescuers. Path one has us grab onto anyone who provides us with a glimmer of what is missing from our lives. Whether it is someone who is “nice,” “fun,” or “exciting” or provides us with a different experience from the limbo we find ourselves in. While doing something different can give us a mental boost for a time, eventually, we find ourselves back in limbo, as stuck as we ever were, but now we have one more person or pursuit to deal with. We have compounded our unhappiness because we begin to notice that even with this new person or a new hobby, we are still, deep down, unhappy. 

Then there is path two: fixing what is wrong in our lives or a life lived in reaction. While path two relates to what will get you out of limbo, there is a fundamental flaw: you are often tweaking things to live a life someone else has suggested is the right way to live. Path two is the most soul-destroying and dangerous way to live. While path one can invite outside danger into your life, path two creates a situation where you take yourself down into a hole that can be difficult or impossible to climb. 

In path two, you usually don’t have the resources or personality to live that imagined perfect life, but that doesn’t stop you from trying. You work hard to achieve the life reflected in the world around you (especially on social media) or try to live according to what your family has told you is the right way to live. You have a vision of what a happy life looks like, and off you head in that direction, “fixing” your circumstances and yourself to get there. You become the “people pleaser” and the “master of control,” all rolled into one. But it is impossible to please others, and you cannot control the world – chaos reigns. Path two is the path many of us take – and many of us persist for years and years, working hard to get to happiness and achieving as we go. But the cruel irony of path two is when you get to your desired destination (losing pieces of yourself along the way), you realize you are not happy. With this realization that your life has been a struggle for seemingly naught, you fall into anger or depression and often despair. Path two leads to path three. 

People crash their way onto the third, often travelled path, from their combined anger and depression from having travelled path two. Path three begins by doing something dramatic. Doing something dramatic does propel us out of limbo, but we have little control over what happens next. Path three is like setting off a bomb, which, while it creates change, may lead to cleaning up the debris and fallout for years to come, making it impossible to find happiness. 

Finding our path to happiness

Discovering our path to happiness requires personal evolution. If you feel stuck, it may be because you have followed the well-worn path that the world has pointed out. It may take time to recognize that you are following the wrong path, especially if everyone else is continuing along that path. Once you gain awareness that you are lost, stand still, evaluate your surroundings, and consider your resources before moving forward. Instead of rashly choosing any direction to escape being lost, stop and get your bearings. 

With awareness, you can begin again on your journey, slowly and steadily and savouring each step. Begin enjoying the journey, reminding yourself to look for your path, one that may not look like anyone else’s. When uncertain about the next steps, pause again to get your bearings instead of succumbing to panic and remind yourself of who you are, what you dream of and what you carry with you before heading off again. You’ll gradually identify paths that align with you. Along the way, you will encounter fellow travellers with similar aspirations. Whether you continue independently or join others on the same path, you’ll begin to appreciate the fulfillment of navigating a journey aligned with you. Cultivating gratitude for your ability to rescue yourself and navigate a fulfilling path becomes a transformative journey. Carry on, and one day, you will stop, not to find your bearings, but to notice that you have finally found happiness – it is in you, and you carry it with you. Your thoughts have evolved, and you understand that happiness is not the destination – it is with you, every step along the path you take. 

Split Personality

Split Personality

by | Nov 21, 2023 | Parenting

Are you a full-time and part-time parent?

Did any of you watch Seinfeld back in the day? I did, and one episode resonated strongly with me. George was struggling with his two personas: Independent George and Relationship George. Relationship George was killing fun-loving Independent George!

Toggling between two different lives is hard.

Mom Renée (“Mom”) is causing all sorts of issues for Independent Renée (“Indy”), and Indy does not get off in the blame department either. Indy seems to forget what Mom's life is like the minute the kids walk out the door to spend time with their dad.

THE LONELINESS TRAP

Suddenly childless and lonely, Indy takes on work, volunteer, and social commitments.

All Indy can think about is that she must fill the hours that the children are absent. Indy must be productive and not wallow in self-pity.

Then, suddenly, the children are back, and Indy reverts to Mom. Suddenly, Mom has to make breakfast, lunch and dinner and ferry kids to various activities while trying to finish Indy’s work all with disruptive children clammoring in the background. How is Mom supposed to get anything done?! The children are no longer with Mom; they are now living with grumpy and stressed-out Renée – “Frantica.”

THE BUSY TRAP

Frantica longs for the peaceful solitude of Indy’s life. “Seriously, what was Indy thinking, lonely? I’ll give you lonely,” Frantica thinks. Frantica would kill for some lonely time when she is in the thick of getting everything done. Frantica looks ahead at Indy’s calendar and cuts a swath through everything. “That ignorant Indy!” thinks Frantica. “I’ll teach her to overschedule and overcommit. She is not doing anything this weekend when the kids are with their dad. She will recharge, lay low, and prepare herself for the week when the kids are back.”

Pain

Then, quicker than you can blink, Indy is back and staring at the weekend ahead that Frantica just planned. Indy recharges in a day, and then peaceful solitude becomes debilitating loneliness. Indy adds as many things as possible to stave off loneliness and creates rules for Mom. Mom must go to yoga during the week. Mom must do better at getting work done when the kids are in bed. “NO MORE NETFLIX, Mom!” shouts Indy. 

overwhelm

Then Mom is back and trying to negotiate these rules that Indy set up. “Indy has not been using that brain of hers again.” She doesn’t know how exhausting it is to work all day, fight with the kids over bedtime routines, and now she wants me to write blog posts and better myself in the hours between 9 to 11 pm?” I cannot do it, thinks Mom. Mom gets depressed and wonders what the point is of all this work anyway. Seriously, Mom says to herself. There must be a better way.

A BETTER WAY

As with everything, communication and mindfulness is critical. Much like the movie Mememto, Mom and Indy have started to leave notes for each other on their shared desk.

NOTES FOR BUILDING A VALUE-ALIGNED LIFE AND FINDING PEACE:

  • Before taking anything on, ask yourself if it fits your values and beliefs. 
  • Why are you taking on this new project?
  • Would you do this if you were short of time? Or are you just doing it to keep busy?

NOTES FOR SELF-CARE:

  • I am sacrificing some of my weekend fun time to catch up on grunt work. Please make sure you try to let go when with the kids and have a fun time with them.
  • I am recharging and using this time so you do not become Frantica. Please remember that your time with the kids is brief; the most important thing is to be present with them and take care of yourself.
  • Please also remember to look for when you can complete work when you are Mom. Schedule a reasonable amount of time for me to complete that work if you don’t, and don’t forget to schedule something fun for me, Indy.

Then Indy adds more as she has more time to reflect than Mom: “I know it’s tough, but remember, you eventually get to have some solitude. Remember to be grateful.”

Slowly, these messages between Indy and Mom are starting to get through.

The shared message they tell the other? 

It's going to take time to get this right. Be kind to yourself in the meantime. 

Are you a full-time and part-time parent?

Did any of you watch Seinfeld back in the day? I did, and one episode resonated strongly with me. George was struggling with his two personas: Independent George and Relationship George. Relationship George was killing fun-loving Independent George!

Toggling between two different lives is hard.

Mom Renée (“Mom”) is causing all sorts of issues for Independent Renée (“Indy”), and Indy does not get off in the blame department either. Indy seems to forget what Mom's life is like the minute the kids walk out the door to spend time with their dad.

THE LONELINESS TRAP

Suddenly childless and lonely, Indy takes on work, volunteer, and social commitments.

All Indy can think about is that she must fill the hours that the children are absent. Indy must be productive and not wallow in self-pity.

Then, suddenly, the children are back, and Indy reverts to Mom. Suddenly, Mom has to make breakfast, lunch and dinner and ferry kids to various activities while trying to finish Indy’s work all with disruptive children clammoring in the background. How is Mom supposed to get anything done?! The children are no longer with Mom; they are now living with grumpy and stressed-out Renée – “Frantica.”

THE BUSY TRAP

Frantica longs for the peaceful solitude of Indy’s life. “Seriously, what was Indy thinking, lonely? I’ll give you lonely,” Frantica thinks. Frantica would kill for some lonely time when she is in the thick of getting everything done. Frantica looks ahead at Indy’s calendar and cuts a swath through everything. “That ignorant Indy!” thinks Frantica. “I’ll teach her to overschedule and overcommit. She is not doing anything this weekend when the kids are with their dad. She will recharge, lay low, and prepare herself for the week when the kids are back.”

Pain

Then, quicker than you can blink, Indy is back and staring at the weekend ahead that Frantica just planned. Indy recharges in a day, and then peaceful solitude becomes debilitating loneliness. Indy adds as many things as possible to stave off loneliness and creates rules for Mom. Mom must go to yoga during the week. Mom must do better at getting work done when the kids are in bed. “NO MORE NETFLIX, Mom!” shouts Indy. 

overwhelm

Then Mom is back and trying to negotiate these rules that Indy set up. “Indy has not been using that brain of hers again.” She doesn’t know how exhausting it is to work all day, fight with the kids over bedtime routines, and now she wants me to write blog posts and better myself in the hours between 9 to 11 pm?” I cannot do it, thinks Mom. Mom gets depressed and wonders what the point is of all this work anyway. Seriously, Mom says to herself. There must be a better way.

A BETTER WAY

As with everything, communication and mindfulness is critical. Much like the movie Mememto, Mom and Indy have started to leave notes for each other on their shared desk.

NOTES FOR BUILDING A VALUE-ALIGNED LIFE AND FINDING PEACE:

  • Before taking anything on, ask yourself if it fits your values and beliefs. 
  • Why are you taking on this new project?
  • Would you do this if you were short of time? Or are you just doing it to keep busy?

NOTES FOR SELF-CARE:

  • I am sacrificing some of my weekend fun time to catch up on grunt work. Please make sure you try to let go when with the kids and have a fun time with them.
  • I am recharging and using this time so you do not become Frantica. Please remember that your time with the kids is brief; the most important thing is to be present with them and take care of yourself.
  • Please also remember to look for when you can complete work when you are Mom. Schedule a reasonable amount of time for me to complete that work if you don’t, and don’t forget to schedule something fun for me, Indy.

Then Indy adds more as she has more time to reflect than Mom: “I know it’s tough, but remember, you eventually get to have some solitude. Remember to be grateful.”

Slowly, these messages between Indy and Mom are starting to get through.

The shared message they tell the other? 

It's going to take time to get this right. Be kind to yourself in the meantime. 

Single Mom with Teenagers

by | Nov 19, 2023 | Resources

There have been memes regarding teenagers before the word “meme” existed. 

The one that I recall seeing on little plaques in bookstores and novelty shops: 

“Teenage grandkids are every grandparent’s secret revenge on their own teenagers.”

I don’t think my parents need revenge against me; I was a saint.

So, it’s not karma that has turned me into a single mom to two teenage boys; it’s just how my life turned out. And while being a single parent was never my life’s aspiration, I wouldn’t have it any other way as I love my kids, and I know my co-parent and I are happier apart. 

But I can help prevent people from succumbing to the same fate or reassure them that they are not alone. 

It is never easy to be a single parent, even if it’s a part-time single parent with a co-parent. Of course, parenting is usually more manageable if you have a co-parent. I often console myself by reminding myself that at least my teenagers’ dad is working with me to provide consistent parenting to my teenagers, or the gruesome twosome, as I sometimes think of them. 

If you are contemplating separation and think you are better off being a 100% on-duty parent, consider it more. 

When I separated, I wanted primary custody of my kids. I thought I was a better parent (I had been the stay-at-home parent for most of their lives). I had a lot of practice in morning routines, bedtime routines, arranging playdates, meal preparation and all other required caregiving duties involved in raising children. I even learned to anticipate the arsenic hour (you know the arsenic hour – between 4 and 6 pm when your children turn into Frankenstein, a werewolf and demon rolled into one?). 

My co-parent was, frankly, useless regarding the typical caregiving duties. My kids would go off to his house and return to mine wearing each other’s clothes. “Uh, Ellis, did you notice you are wearing Rowan’s pants?” Ellis’s pants went to mid-shin. My co-parent promised to arrange our eldest’s birthday for two years before it happened. And when it did, it was because I wrestled it back from him and did it at my place. My seven-year-old had his sleepover when he was nine. My co-parent managed to feed my kids, but I know it consisted mainly of take-out. I’m pretty confident my children only bathed at my house for many years. I typically bought their clothes, arranged doctor’s and dentist’s appointments, and arranged everything related to school (including ensuring they got into a choice program in both elementary and high school). Sorry if you are reading this co-parent, but it’s true. You can argue that I wasn’t very good at making money – also true. It’s a good thing I’m good at managing money!

But, because my co-parent and I shared parenting, I had opportunities to learn how to make money, and my co-parent had opportunities to practice being a better caregiver.

The other life skills I wasn’t very good at were playing and finding joy. I’d forgotten how because I thought it was up to me to carry my kids through life, and there was no time for play.

But I also had a chance to find joy in life again.

I had breaks from parenting, which we all know is primarily unrewarding grunt work. Of course, parenting can also be extremely rewarding. My children’s sweet, angelic faces may have carried me through the tough times (not during the arsenic hour), but once they hit teenagerhood, the rewarding moments seemingly take a hiatus. I’m told they return when your children turn twenty-five, maybe thirty for boys. 

So, as my youngest ticked over the magic threshold into becoming a teenager, I thank my lucky stars every day that my co-parent and I have had enough time to learn how to be better co-parents together. My co-parent is still not quite at the same level as me in the caregiving roles. I’m still not quite at the same level as my co-parent at making money. (What they say is true about women taking a break from the workforce to raise children and the various reasons women earn less than men). But my co-parent and I are exponentially better at our new roles than if I had taken full custody of our kids. 

Teenagers can be brutal to live with as a single parent.

I am still spending many of my waking hours looking after their every need (it’s hard to break years of ingrained habits, and I’m required to feed them, right?), and they now spend their waking hours dodging me. When my children do deign to hang out with me, it’s usually to mock or argue with me. I understand why they are like this. I know that teenagers are going through significant physiological changes – their brains are shedding, their hormones are raging, and they live in a stressful world where they spend a good chunk of their day at what they perceive as a jail. 

I know all this and understand- I empathize with my kids. 

But despite understanding and empathizing with my kids, sharing a space with two very unpleasant people for hours and being one of me against two of them is very hard. Did I already say that? I can’t emphasize it enough. Two horrendous teenagers are being mean to me, and no one else in my home can commiserate with me or remind me that I’m not crazy. 

So, why am I telling you all this? A few reasons.

  • If you plan to have children, ask yourself if your planned co-parent is the partner with whom you want to raise children. And I know we all think they are, only to change our minds after the children are born. So, do some parenting courses and design a contract about who does what when the children arrive before the children arrive. Plan the logistics before you have kids instead of having to do it when you separate, and the separation conflict prevents you from creating a parenting plan. 
  • If separating with kids, before deciding that your ex-spouse would make a useless parent and you had better take it all on, think again. I thought my co-parent would never be able to raise our kids as I could, and I was right. My co-parent has different strengths than me, and our kids have benefitted from our combined strengths, and we have both grown and improved in areas where we had weaknesses. (Caveat: if your spouse and future co-parent are abusive, you may have to be the sole caregiver. If you feel your spouse is abusing you or your children, please seek help for this first). 
  • Separate mindfully and try to separate when your kids are tweens and teenagers only if you and your spouse are on the same parenting page and mutually agree that your family will be better off if you separate. Yes, it’s okay to separate when your children are teenagers if you are consciously uncoupling (either by having a kitchen table, collaborative or mediated divorce). But be aware that high-conflict separations are a disaster for teenage development. And last but not least: 
  • Take care of yourself, take time for yourself, and find some friends to support you when your children become teenagers. My current strategy is to leave the house – they love it, and I love it! Of course, I put house protection in place before leaving. I go outside, sometimes just for a bike ride or a walk. I call my other “mom” friends, who remind me that I’m not crazy. And if you haven’t found “mom” friends yet, don’t worry; they aren’t hard to find. You can often spot them taking solo walks around the neighbourhood, muttering to themselves or looking like they are walking off an argument. Smile at them, say a kind word, and you have likely just found your first “mom” friend. 
Getting Through the Wall of Pain and Suffering

Getting Through the Wall of Pain and Suffering

by | Sep 25, 2018 | Divorce

I often come across clients who are on a path that brings deep emotional pain, and they cannot see how to find a healing way forward.

I want to help my clients find a better, less emotionally overwhelming path. Still, I have noticed that the emotional overwhelm acts like a soundproof barrier – despite my “telling” my clients what I think works, they can’t hear me. Then I often notice that I often resort to the megaphone-style email:

Dear, not quite yet ex-spouse-client:

This process we are in together is not collaborative; you are right.

We are working in the litigation-style model where you submit a proposal with all the reasons you are right and then threaten dramatic action when you do not get the desired answer. This style of managing a separation is the traditional way of handling a separation and divorce.

That said, the traditional method may work for you:

1. Your spouse might finally come to her senses and agree to all your demands (wouldn’t that be a relief!).

2. You will liquidate everything (even if it means you take yourself down simultaneously) and split the remnants (this includes your co-parenting relationship).

3. You will “win” in court.

On the flip side,

1. You have yet to manage to convince your spouse so far. In the meantime, your spouse is getting more and more evidence that you are trying to push something through, the conflict between you is increasing, and she is getting more and more resistant as she gathers information that your opinion is exactly that, yours. Things are getting more and more delayed.

2. You can’t liquidate everything – that one doesn’t work. Your spouse is a shareholder of your business and is also on the title to your home.

3. The court will take a lot longer and cost you thousands of dollars more. There are no winners in the court system. Children lose the most.

I have sent variations of this email to many clients, and so far, it hasn’t turned them into willing collaborative clients. Huh. Puzzling – my email is so very rational and logical.

Lightbulb moment.

There is no way to rationalize away pain and suffering. I know that’s frustrating for those of us trained as accountants, lawyers, engineers, doctors and teachers.

So what to do instead? Well, this is the part I missed in my megaphone email. Collaboration takes listening. That is the first step and what I now practice with my clients. It is the only way through the wall of pain and suffering. First, we must truly understand it, and only then can we find a path forward.