I often come across clients who are on a path that brings deep emotional pain, and they cannot see how to find a healing way forward.

I want to help my clients find a better, less emotionally overwhelming path. Still, I have noticed that the emotional overwhelm acts like a soundproof barrier – despite my “telling” my clients what I think works, they can’t hear me. Then I often notice that I often resort to the megaphone-style email:

Dear, not quite yet ex-spouse-client:

This process we are in together is not collaborative; you are right.

We are working in the litigation-style model where you submit a proposal with all the reasons you are right and then threaten dramatic action when you do not get the desired answer. This style of managing a separation is the traditional way of handling a separation and divorce.

That said, the traditional method may work for you:

1. Your spouse might finally come to her senses and agree to all your demands (wouldn’t that be a relief!).

2. You will liquidate everything (even if it means you take yourself down simultaneously) and split the remnants (this includes your co-parenting relationship).

3. You will “win” in court.

On the flip side,

1. You have yet to manage to convince your spouse so far. In the meantime, your spouse is getting more and more evidence that you are trying to push something through, the conflict between you is increasing, and she is getting more and more resistant as she gathers information that your opinion is exactly that, yours. Things are getting more and more delayed.

2. You can’t liquidate everything – that one doesn’t work. Your spouse is a shareholder of your business and is also on the title to your home.

3. The court will take a lot longer and cost you thousands of dollars more. There are no winners in the court system. Children lose the most.

I have sent variations of this email to many clients, and so far, it hasn’t turned them into willing collaborative clients. Huh. Puzzling – my email is so very rational and logical.

Lightbulb moment.

There is no way to rationalize away pain and suffering. I know that’s frustrating for those of us trained as accountants, lawyers, engineers, doctors and teachers.

So what to do instead? Well, this is the part I missed in my megaphone email. Collaboration takes listening. That is the first step and what I now practice with my clients. It is the only way through the wall of pain and suffering. First, we must truly understand it, and only then can we find a path forward.