Split Personality

Split Personality

by | Nov 21, 2023 | Parenting

Are you a full-time and part-time parent?

Did any of you watch Seinfeld back in the day? I did, and one episode resonated strongly with me. George was struggling with his two personas: Independent George and Relationship George. Relationship George was killing fun-loving Independent George!

Toggling between two different lives is hard.

Mom Renée (“Mom”) is causing all sorts of issues for Independent Renée (“Indy”), and Indy does not get off in the blame department either. Indy seems to forget what Mom's life is like the minute the kids walk out the door to spend time with their dad.

THE LONELINESS TRAP

Suddenly childless and lonely, Indy takes on work, volunteer, and social commitments.

All Indy can think about is that she must fill the hours that the children are absent. Indy must be productive and not wallow in self-pity.

Then, suddenly, the children are back, and Indy reverts to Mom. Suddenly, Mom has to make breakfast, lunch and dinner and ferry kids to various activities while trying to finish Indy’s work all with disruptive children clammoring in the background. How is Mom supposed to get anything done?! The children are no longer with Mom; they are now living with grumpy and stressed-out Renée – “Frantica.”

THE BUSY TRAP

Frantica longs for the peaceful solitude of Indy’s life. “Seriously, what was Indy thinking, lonely? I’ll give you lonely,” Frantica thinks. Frantica would kill for some lonely time when she is in the thick of getting everything done. Frantica looks ahead at Indy’s calendar and cuts a swath through everything. “That ignorant Indy!” thinks Frantica. “I’ll teach her to overschedule and overcommit. She is not doing anything this weekend when the kids are with their dad. She will recharge, lay low, and prepare herself for the week when the kids are back.”

Pain

Then, quicker than you can blink, Indy is back and staring at the weekend ahead that Frantica just planned. Indy recharges in a day, and then peaceful solitude becomes debilitating loneliness. Indy adds as many things as possible to stave off loneliness and creates rules for Mom. Mom must go to yoga during the week. Mom must do better at getting work done when the kids are in bed. “NO MORE NETFLIX, Mom!” shouts Indy. 

overwhelm

Then Mom is back and trying to negotiate these rules that Indy set up. “Indy has not been using that brain of hers again.” She doesn’t know how exhausting it is to work all day, fight with the kids over bedtime routines, and now she wants me to write blog posts and better myself in the hours between 9 to 11 pm?” I cannot do it, thinks Mom. Mom gets depressed and wonders what the point is of all this work anyway. Seriously, Mom says to herself. There must be a better way.

A BETTER WAY

As with everything, communication and mindfulness is critical. Much like the movie Mememto, Mom and Indy have started to leave notes for each other on their shared desk.

NOTES FOR BUILDING A VALUE-ALIGNED LIFE AND FINDING PEACE:

  • Before taking anything on, ask yourself if it fits your values and beliefs. 
  • Why are you taking on this new project?
  • Would you do this if you were short of time? Or are you just doing it to keep busy?

NOTES FOR SELF-CARE:

  • I am sacrificing some of my weekend fun time to catch up on grunt work. Please make sure you try to let go when with the kids and have a fun time with them.
  • I am recharging and using this time so you do not become Frantica. Please remember that your time with the kids is brief; the most important thing is to be present with them and take care of yourself.
  • Please also remember to look for when you can complete work when you are Mom. Schedule a reasonable amount of time for me to complete that work if you don’t, and don’t forget to schedule something fun for me, Indy.

Then Indy adds more as she has more time to reflect than Mom: “I know it’s tough, but remember, you eventually get to have some solitude. Remember to be grateful.”

Slowly, these messages between Indy and Mom are starting to get through.

The shared message they tell the other? 

It's going to take time to get this right. Be kind to yourself in the meantime. 

Are you a full-time and part-time parent?

Did any of you watch Seinfeld back in the day? I did, and one episode resonated strongly with me. George was struggling with his two personas: Independent George and Relationship George. Relationship George was killing fun-loving Independent George!

Toggling between two different lives is hard.

Mom Renée (“Mom”) is causing all sorts of issues for Independent Renée (“Indy”), and Indy does not get off in the blame department either. Indy seems to forget what Mom's life is like the minute the kids walk out the door to spend time with their dad.

THE LONELINESS TRAP

Suddenly childless and lonely, Indy takes on work, volunteer, and social commitments.

All Indy can think about is that she must fill the hours that the children are absent. Indy must be productive and not wallow in self-pity.

Then, suddenly, the children are back, and Indy reverts to Mom. Suddenly, Mom has to make breakfast, lunch and dinner and ferry kids to various activities while trying to finish Indy’s work all with disruptive children clammoring in the background. How is Mom supposed to get anything done?! The children are no longer with Mom; they are now living with grumpy and stressed-out Renée – “Frantica.”

THE BUSY TRAP

Frantica longs for the peaceful solitude of Indy’s life. “Seriously, what was Indy thinking, lonely? I’ll give you lonely,” Frantica thinks. Frantica would kill for some lonely time when she is in the thick of getting everything done. Frantica looks ahead at Indy’s calendar and cuts a swath through everything. “That ignorant Indy!” thinks Frantica. “I’ll teach her to overschedule and overcommit. She is not doing anything this weekend when the kids are with their dad. She will recharge, lay low, and prepare herself for the week when the kids are back.”

Pain

Then, quicker than you can blink, Indy is back and staring at the weekend ahead that Frantica just planned. Indy recharges in a day, and then peaceful solitude becomes debilitating loneliness. Indy adds as many things as possible to stave off loneliness and creates rules for Mom. Mom must go to yoga during the week. Mom must do better at getting work done when the kids are in bed. “NO MORE NETFLIX, Mom!” shouts Indy. 

overwhelm

Then Mom is back and trying to negotiate these rules that Indy set up. “Indy has not been using that brain of hers again.” She doesn’t know how exhausting it is to work all day, fight with the kids over bedtime routines, and now she wants me to write blog posts and better myself in the hours between 9 to 11 pm?” I cannot do it, thinks Mom. Mom gets depressed and wonders what the point is of all this work anyway. Seriously, Mom says to herself. There must be a better way.

A BETTER WAY

As with everything, communication and mindfulness is critical. Much like the movie Mememto, Mom and Indy have started to leave notes for each other on their shared desk.

NOTES FOR BUILDING A VALUE-ALIGNED LIFE AND FINDING PEACE:

  • Before taking anything on, ask yourself if it fits your values and beliefs. 
  • Why are you taking on this new project?
  • Would you do this if you were short of time? Or are you just doing it to keep busy?

NOTES FOR SELF-CARE:

  • I am sacrificing some of my weekend fun time to catch up on grunt work. Please make sure you try to let go when with the kids and have a fun time with them.
  • I am recharging and using this time so you do not become Frantica. Please remember that your time with the kids is brief; the most important thing is to be present with them and take care of yourself.
  • Please also remember to look for when you can complete work when you are Mom. Schedule a reasonable amount of time for me to complete that work if you don’t, and don’t forget to schedule something fun for me, Indy.

Then Indy adds more as she has more time to reflect than Mom: “I know it’s tough, but remember, you eventually get to have some solitude. Remember to be grateful.”

Slowly, these messages between Indy and Mom are starting to get through.

The shared message they tell the other? 

It's going to take time to get this right. Be kind to yourself in the meantime. 

Who Makes Up These Rules that Keep Us in Our Place?

by | Jul 31, 2015 | Divorce

I had an uncomfortable conversation with a friend last night. She is in the middle of a very bitter divorce and she is feeling fearful of the outcome which will be decided by a judge.

photo-1427805371062-cacdd21273f1A brief history of her situation.

Let’s call her Sara. Sara is getting divorced from her husband. They have two young children and she has been the main breadwinner in their family although her husband has been working in a less lucrative career.

I had always assumed that Sara loved her job. She is outwardly successful, very outgoing and has a good group of friends that she both works with and socialises with. Last night I found out that I had made a wrong assumption. Sara does not love her job and has really only stayed in it to support her family. Her dream is to start up her own company but she now feels like she can’t because the court will perceive that she is simply attempting to get out of her obligation to pay spousal support and child support.

Then she went further and talked about how her ex has been purposely underemployed for years (he stepped away from a well paying job to start his own business just before the kids were born) and it is his obligation to go back to a job that he is perfectly capable of doing and that pays more than his current situation.

Essentially, what she was saying is that it is naive to think we can all follow our dreams. Our discussion got a little bit heated and she stated at one point “everyone has to work, it’s just a rule of society.”  The other thought behind her comment was that everyone has to take the best paying job they can get even if they are not happy. Sara’s ex is currently choosing to be underemployed and she has to bear the brunt of his choice. She has to stay in a job she doesn’t like because the rules of society say so.

After my discussion with Sara I thought about everything she had said. I was rather upset about a number of things which I will refer to as Sara’s rules:

The first rule: everyone has to suck it up and take the highest paying job they are capable of if they have kids and responsibilities. To do otherwise is flaky and selfish.

The second rule: work generally sucks. Everyone would rather retire if they could. Within this rule is a sub-rule. If you like what you’re doing, it’s not work.

The third rule: life is inherently unfair. Simply because Sara held the higher paying job at the time of her separation from her husband, she would forever have to pay child support and spousal support based on that situation.

I must say our conversation kept me up last night. I immediately got defensive and I lay there in bed coming up with arguments against the rules. Thank goodness that when I finally fell asleep my brain let those arguments go and gave me some better thoughts for when I woke up.

The first thing that my brain reminded me was that defensiveness keeps us locked into buying into made up rules and opinions. Because I was putting up opposing arguments to Sara’s rules, I was turning them into facts instead of just one person’s opinions. I was holding Sara’s arguments out as truth and was trying to pick holes in them. Instead, I now recognize that her rules are just one person’s opinion (and yes, I would say her rules are the prevalent opinions in society). They are opinions based in fear and the worst case scenario. They are not the default outcome for Sara’s life. They are outcomes that likely have a higher probability of occurring. Especially if Sara resigns herself to the fact that these rules are true and that life is unfair.

This led me to the second thought which was that Sara’s ideas are keeping her trapped.

It appears to me that Sara has given up on her dreams. She is hiding behind these rules she has created for herself; she has turned her rules into hard and fast facts of the world that she has no control over.

So I’m going to call Sara back. I want to hold out her rules for her to see and I’m going to ask her if they are the ones she wants to live by.

Instead, I hope Sara agrees to letting me help her find out what drives her and what gives her hope. I will help her get clarity about where she is in life from a financial perspective and from a personal values perspective. Then I’m hoping Sara will see that she does have choice in her life and it is not these rules that she has created for herself and bought into that are controlling the outcome of her life.

 

How to Write an Email to Your Ex

by | May 20, 2015 | Divorce

When my ex and I first separated, I spent a long time trying to craft my emails to my ex so that there was nothing offensive in them. I did not want him to attack back as reading those attacks was pretty painful. How could this person that I had been a partner to for 20 years, whom I’d had children with, whom I’d put first in life, write these things about me?

So I spent hours crafting my emails to try to be clear and concise, without blame and without judgement.

I would still get attack emails back.  There was always something that got misinterpreted by him.

I would try to defend myself and would again, take the time to carefully write my email and I would still get upsetting emails back.

This was brutal. He found ways to tear down all my defenses and invade my boundaries.

One day, something happened that put me over the edge. I was exhausted by this back and forth conflict. I needed to move on with my life and get out of this viscous cycle.

I started following the rules I created for myself:

  • Keep emails short – five sentences maximum
  • Wait a day or two after getting an icky reply before replying back.
  • Do not defend myself, especially if he asks me to. I’m just giving him more opportunities to attack my values and beliefs
  • Do not discuss my email communication between myself and my ex with others

These rules are very hard to stick to but I’m getting lots of practice and if you are recently separated, I bet you are too.

Designing Your New Life – Start With Your True Self

by | Nov 6, 2014 | Finances

You are stuck in some area of your life. You’re in debt, you’re in conflict, something has just happened to you and you are operating on autopilot just to get through the day. If this sounds familiar,  I’m asking you to stop, take a break and get clarity on your personal values.

I can imagine you have similar thoughts to what I had in a similar situation: “That’s crazy! I don’t have time to stop, I’ve got things to take care of and if I stop to take time for myself, everything is going to fall apart around me!”

So you keep going. You will force yourself to get through a life you subconsciously do not buy into.

You might be able to do this for a long time, I did and then I hit my wall. Divorce. The reason I got to that point was because I wasn’t clear on my personal values, my ex wasn’t clear on his and thus it follows neither of us was clear with each other. We were both living in a situation we didn’t like, neither of us understood it and we took it out on each other. it’s not hard to see how we ended up where we did.

Eventually the impact of not living according to your values will surface. I think many of us are on a similar path in life and hit the that zone in their 40s. Mid-life crisis anyone? My ex and I were together for 10 years before we got married and we managed fine during that time. There was nothing big at stake. Then we got married and started having to make some big decisions. Getting married should have been the first one, but we thought that it couldn’t be that hard as we had been together so long without many bumps. We bought a house, we had kids, we moved countries. we moved back and we got divorced.

I am now grateful for my divorce as it forced me to search for my values. I finally made the mental connection that putting myself aside was leading to my unhappiness.  I spent months resisting discovering my values and now I am spending time retraining myself to operate from my values.  I still have a hard time with this, but I know I have to do this to move forward.

I can hear the excuses you are making not to do this, I can hear them because I make excuses every day to give up on this way of doing things and settling back into my old ways. But I can’t ignore the connection I have discovered between putting myself aside and my unhappiness and I cannot underestimate the joy I feel when my new life works because I am living my values.

It takes time to develop a new habit and it is easy to settle back into your old ways of doing things. Consider this one more message to help prod you in the direction of redesigning your life according to your values. And if I can’t convince you, perhaps Oprah and Deepak can.