Split Personality

Split Personality

by | Nov 21, 2023 | Parenting

Are you a full-time and part-time parent?

Did any of you watch Seinfeld back in the day? I did, and one episode resonated strongly with me. George was struggling with his two personas: Independent George and Relationship George. Relationship George was killing fun-loving Independent George!

Toggling between two different lives is hard.

Mom Renée (“Mom”) is causing all sorts of issues for Independent Renée (“Indy”), and Indy does not get off in the blame department either. Indy seems to forget what Mom's life is like the minute the kids walk out the door to spend time with their dad.

THE LONELINESS TRAP

Suddenly childless and lonely, Indy takes on work, volunteer, and social commitments.

All Indy can think about is that she must fill the hours that the children are absent. Indy must be productive and not wallow in self-pity.

Then, suddenly, the children are back, and Indy reverts to Mom. Suddenly, Mom has to make breakfast, lunch and dinner and ferry kids to various activities while trying to finish Indy’s work all with disruptive children clammoring in the background. How is Mom supposed to get anything done?! The children are no longer with Mom; they are now living with grumpy and stressed-out Renée – “Frantica.”

THE BUSY TRAP

Frantica longs for the peaceful solitude of Indy’s life. “Seriously, what was Indy thinking, lonely? I’ll give you lonely,” Frantica thinks. Frantica would kill for some lonely time when she is in the thick of getting everything done. Frantica looks ahead at Indy’s calendar and cuts a swath through everything. “That ignorant Indy!” thinks Frantica. “I’ll teach her to overschedule and overcommit. She is not doing anything this weekend when the kids are with their dad. She will recharge, lay low, and prepare herself for the week when the kids are back.”

Pain

Then, quicker than you can blink, Indy is back and staring at the weekend ahead that Frantica just planned. Indy recharges in a day, and then peaceful solitude becomes debilitating loneliness. Indy adds as many things as possible to stave off loneliness and creates rules for Mom. Mom must go to yoga during the week. Mom must do better at getting work done when the kids are in bed. “NO MORE NETFLIX, Mom!” shouts Indy. 

overwhelm

Then Mom is back and trying to negotiate these rules that Indy set up. “Indy has not been using that brain of hers again.” She doesn’t know how exhausting it is to work all day, fight with the kids over bedtime routines, and now she wants me to write blog posts and better myself in the hours between 9 to 11 pm?” I cannot do it, thinks Mom. Mom gets depressed and wonders what the point is of all this work anyway. Seriously, Mom says to herself. There must be a better way.

A BETTER WAY

As with everything, communication and mindfulness is critical. Much like the movie Mememto, Mom and Indy have started to leave notes for each other on their shared desk.

NOTES FOR BUILDING A VALUE-ALIGNED LIFE AND FINDING PEACE:

  • Before taking anything on, ask yourself if it fits your values and beliefs. 
  • Why are you taking on this new project?
  • Would you do this if you were short of time? Or are you just doing it to keep busy?

NOTES FOR SELF-CARE:

  • I am sacrificing some of my weekend fun time to catch up on grunt work. Please make sure you try to let go when with the kids and have a fun time with them.
  • I am recharging and using this time so you do not become Frantica. Please remember that your time with the kids is brief; the most important thing is to be present with them and take care of yourself.
  • Please also remember to look for when you can complete work when you are Mom. Schedule a reasonable amount of time for me to complete that work if you don’t, and don’t forget to schedule something fun for me, Indy.

Then Indy adds more as she has more time to reflect than Mom: “I know it’s tough, but remember, you eventually get to have some solitude. Remember to be grateful.”

Slowly, these messages between Indy and Mom are starting to get through.

The shared message they tell the other? 

It's going to take time to get this right. Be kind to yourself in the meantime. 

Are you a full-time and part-time parent?

Did any of you watch Seinfeld back in the day? I did, and one episode resonated strongly with me. George was struggling with his two personas: Independent George and Relationship George. Relationship George was killing fun-loving Independent George!

Toggling between two different lives is hard.

Mom Renée (“Mom”) is causing all sorts of issues for Independent Renée (“Indy”), and Indy does not get off in the blame department either. Indy seems to forget what Mom's life is like the minute the kids walk out the door to spend time with their dad.

THE LONELINESS TRAP

Suddenly childless and lonely, Indy takes on work, volunteer, and social commitments.

All Indy can think about is that she must fill the hours that the children are absent. Indy must be productive and not wallow in self-pity.

Then, suddenly, the children are back, and Indy reverts to Mom. Suddenly, Mom has to make breakfast, lunch and dinner and ferry kids to various activities while trying to finish Indy’s work all with disruptive children clammoring in the background. How is Mom supposed to get anything done?! The children are no longer with Mom; they are now living with grumpy and stressed-out Renée – “Frantica.”

THE BUSY TRAP

Frantica longs for the peaceful solitude of Indy’s life. “Seriously, what was Indy thinking, lonely? I’ll give you lonely,” Frantica thinks. Frantica would kill for some lonely time when she is in the thick of getting everything done. Frantica looks ahead at Indy’s calendar and cuts a swath through everything. “That ignorant Indy!” thinks Frantica. “I’ll teach her to overschedule and overcommit. She is not doing anything this weekend when the kids are with their dad. She will recharge, lay low, and prepare herself for the week when the kids are back.”

Pain

Then, quicker than you can blink, Indy is back and staring at the weekend ahead that Frantica just planned. Indy recharges in a day, and then peaceful solitude becomes debilitating loneliness. Indy adds as many things as possible to stave off loneliness and creates rules for Mom. Mom must go to yoga during the week. Mom must do better at getting work done when the kids are in bed. “NO MORE NETFLIX, Mom!” shouts Indy. 

overwhelm

Then Mom is back and trying to negotiate these rules that Indy set up. “Indy has not been using that brain of hers again.” She doesn’t know how exhausting it is to work all day, fight with the kids over bedtime routines, and now she wants me to write blog posts and better myself in the hours between 9 to 11 pm?” I cannot do it, thinks Mom. Mom gets depressed and wonders what the point is of all this work anyway. Seriously, Mom says to herself. There must be a better way.

A BETTER WAY

As with everything, communication and mindfulness is critical. Much like the movie Mememto, Mom and Indy have started to leave notes for each other on their shared desk.

NOTES FOR BUILDING A VALUE-ALIGNED LIFE AND FINDING PEACE:

  • Before taking anything on, ask yourself if it fits your values and beliefs. 
  • Why are you taking on this new project?
  • Would you do this if you were short of time? Or are you just doing it to keep busy?

NOTES FOR SELF-CARE:

  • I am sacrificing some of my weekend fun time to catch up on grunt work. Please make sure you try to let go when with the kids and have a fun time with them.
  • I am recharging and using this time so you do not become Frantica. Please remember that your time with the kids is brief; the most important thing is to be present with them and take care of yourself.
  • Please also remember to look for when you can complete work when you are Mom. Schedule a reasonable amount of time for me to complete that work if you don’t, and don’t forget to schedule something fun for me, Indy.

Then Indy adds more as she has more time to reflect than Mom: “I know it’s tough, but remember, you eventually get to have some solitude. Remember to be grateful.”

Slowly, these messages between Indy and Mom are starting to get through.

The shared message they tell the other? 

It's going to take time to get this right. Be kind to yourself in the meantime. 

The 2016 Budget and Families with Kids

by | Mar 23, 2016 | Tools & Tips

photo-1443110189928-4448af4a2bc5My life just got a bit easier with the new 2016 Federal budget that was announced on March 22, 2016.

Under the previous government I had three different calculators to figure out how much people would receive as tax credits and benefits related to their children but this has all disappeared with the new Liberal budget.

Previously, families received the Universal Child Care Benefit (“UCCB”) of $160 per month per child under the age of 6 and $60 per month per child aged 6 to 17.  These amounts were taxable and included in the income of the lower earning spouse.

Families received the tax-free Canadian Child Tax Credit of $1,471 per year per child in 2015/2016 that was clawed back completely if your family income exceeded $118,251 (if you had one or two children) or $157,601 if you had three or more children.

There was also a National Child Benefit Supplement of $2,279 per year for the first child, $2,016 per year for the second child that was also clawed back if family income exceeded $26,021.

Finally, each family was eligible for the Children’s Refundable Fitness Tax Credit of $150 per year and Children’s Non-Refundable Arts Credit of $75 per year. These are each being cut in half for 2016 and will be gone by 2017.

To further complicate things, I was usually trying to figure out these amounts so that divorcing couples could figure out how to split these amounts that the government was going to be giving them for their children. These would then need to be outlined in their separation agreements.

Under the new Liberal government, this has all changed and I have to say hooray.

The budget states that families will receive $6,400 per year per child under the age of 6 and $5,400 per year per child aged 6 to 17. These amounts will slowly get clawed back based on adjusted family net income and will disappear completely for families with income exceeding $140,000.

Here is a link to the Liberal’s calculator.

So while I’m happy about the simplicity of the new Liberal Canadian Child Benefit, most families will be happy because they will be receiving more money with this new benefit. The fact that the entire benefit is tied to a family’s income makes it more fair than the system under the old regime where everyone got the UCCB and Fitness and Arts Credits regardless of how low or high their family income was.

 

 

Family Tax Cut

Family Tax Cut

by | Feb 25, 2015 | Tools & Tips

I just finished my first tax return for a family that is eligible for the Family Tax Cut that was announced in October 2014 and affects the 2014 tax year.

What is the Family Tax Cut?

The Cut only applies in certain situations:

  • You and your eligible spouse or common-law partner lived in Canada at December 31 of the applicable tax year.
  • You have a child that was under 18 at the end of the tax year who normally lives with you and your spouse or partner.
  • You and your partner both file a tax return for the year.
  • Neither you nor your eligible spouse or common-law partner elected to split eligible pension income for the tax year.

The Family Tax Cut was brought in to equalize taxes paid by families in Canada who have minor  children.

The Conservative Government wishes to encourage families that have small children to have one parent stay at home and be caregiver of those children. In this situation there is generally one high income earning spouse and one low income earning spouse.

Because personal income tax rates increase with the level of income of the individual, a family with one high income earning spouse will pay more than a family comprised of two taxpayers who earn equal amounts of income.

The Family Tax Cut is essentially a non-refundable tax credit of up to $2,000 that can be claimed by one taxpayer. It cannot be shared between the taxpaying couple.

If you share parenting of your minor child with a former spouse, you can only take advantage of the Family Tax Cut if you have re-married or are in a new common-law relationship. In this case both you and your former spouse may apply for the Family Tax Cut if your child ordinarily lives with both you and your former spouse throughout the tax year.

There are other rules on eligibility so check with your tax preparer to determine if you are eligible.