So You’ve Just Signed Your Separation Agreement

by | Mar 17, 2015 | Divorce

Congratulations. Finalizing a separation agreement is a major achievement and usually comes at the end of a very stressful and emotional period in your life.

Signing a separation agreement will likely have a strong emotional impact on you.  It is tangible evidence that your old life, the one you once had hopes and dreams for, is finally done. Signing your agreement can leave you feeling aimless as suddenly, the agreement, which has been your entire focus for your life in recent memory, is complete.  But the separation agreement is not the end.  It is the beginning of your new life post divorce.

The first thing you now need to do is stop.

You have been running hard and still have momentum from your old life driving you forward. You are on automatic pilot and are just trying to get through the days of your new reality.

But this is your new life and you get to design it the way you want.

One of the first things to do is give yourself some time to process the fact that you just signed your separation agreement. The day I signed, my lawyer said to me “Don’t underestimate the emotional impact that signing this agreement will have on you.” And even though she said this to me, I was still unprepared.  I had big expectations that my life was suddenly going to be fine now that I no longer had to deal with my ex-spouse. Instead, feelings of sadness and failure took over. My current understanding that only one part of my life has failed, my relationship with my ex-spouse, came to me after allowing myself time to grieve.  Giving myself time enabled me to more forward.

Time also helped me understand that I could design my life the way I wanted to. I did not have to try to cobble together the pieces of my old life as the only way forward. I had to take time to figure out what was important to me. For many newly separated people, this is a dramatic shift. Up until separation, you were leading a life based on shared values or even leading a life based on a spouse’s values.  It is important to take the time to reassess what is important in your new life if you want to successfully move forward.

 

You’re Divorced? Congratulations!

You’re Divorced? Congratulations!

by | Oct 22, 2014 | Divorce

  

What do you say when someone tells you they’ve separated? I’ve started to think I should say ‘Congratulations,’ when someone tells me that they are separated or divorced, but I have not been able to do this yet. I still say “I’m sorry.” And why is that? Because I’ve been through a separation and I know how painful it is.

What would have I done if someone had congratulated me? Well, a lot of people tried to do this in their way. Many friends and family told me I would be better off, I was going to be happier, it would get more comfortable, etc., but I didn’t believe them. What did they know? They hadn’t lived it. They were all still hanging onto their marriages, good and bad. I mentally argued with them and twisted reality to prove to myself that they were wrong, that separation is horrendous and soul-destroying.

The ones who are divorced all looked on in commiseration and said “yes, it is hard and it takes at least two years (sometimes three) to get over it. I remember one particular man told me that he was really fortunate because at least he had his job, the one thing that didn’t change in his life, while he spent his two years getting back to some semblance of hope. All I could think was “great, I’m getting divorced, and my job is gone.” I was a stay-at-home mom, pre-divorce. When my divorce process started, others told me I would have to give that up and get a new ‘paying’ job.

I spent a year in misery and pain. Ok, a year and two months. Then I hit a point where I thought to myself: “I do not want to feel this way anymore.”

I was depressed

The thoughts that kept running through my head: “I have been a good person, followed all the rules, been responsible, done everything as expected … and my life is still a disaster.”

This realisation that everything that had come before had led me to this point made me decide I had to find a different way. I had nothing to lose anymore. I was in so much pain, that even if something catastrophic were to happen, I believed that I could not feel worse.

Oddly enough, this thought was motivating to me. I got to start from a blank slate. Nothing I do going forward can make me feel any worse. Therefore, I can try all sorts of things that I would never have tried before. There was nowhere else for me to go but up from this situation.

Finding my new way

It’s work and challenging, and at the same time, it is hopeful. I now think of the Divorce as my new beginning, that kick in the pants I needed to live a life that is designed by me and not dictated by others. So now, when I tell people that I am newly divorced, I remind them to congratulate me.