Getting out of Limbo

by | Sep 2, 2024 | Resources

Getting out of limbo 

 

It is C+16 since my world changed and I find myself in limbo. 

Pardon me if you don’t understand my lingo. Coincidentally, I am reading “Seveneves” by Neal Stephenson, a story about a BIG world change, the destruction of the Earth due to an Agent that breaks up the moon into little pieces. The science is over my head, but everyone has time to prepare for the end of the world because there is a lag between the moon break up and the Earth’s destruction. The characters in the book decide it’s time to establish a new calendar, and AD and CE are gone, replaced by A (for Agent), plus the number of days since the Agent hit the moon. 

Today, it’s March 29, 2020 – 16 days from when my kids were ordered not to school and we were all instructed not to leave our homes unless absolutely necessary. So, it’s C+16 (C for COVID) since the Global Pandemic changed my world and the world of most of us. The impact of COVID seeped in as the endless emails that notified us of the new normal rolled across my screen. And while I fear there may be more to come (no thanks, in small part, to the endless bad news that continues to dominate all screens) at C+16, it feels like the significant impact has happened, and I am living my new normal. 

That…was…fast. As I stood in line at my local grocery store yesterday (the requisite two metres apart as the stickers on the floor guided me) and observed the masked cashiers, I had a bit of an out-of-body experience. Suddenly, I was a character from one of the endless dystopian books I have read and continue to read. 

When I got up to the cashier, I smiled at her as she looked utterly frazzled. I asked her how she was doing, “Not as good as thirty minutes ago when I started my shift.” She was an older woman who told me she had just returned to work after being off for four months due to a shoulder injury. Her grown children were mad at her for returning, but as she explained, she had no choice. I packed my bags so she wouldn’t have to and tried to channel deep breathing thoughts and calm to her, but I knew that they likely weren’t much use as the line for the cashier was long, it wound its way around the entire store. I also knew my chest was feeling tight, so I was more likely channelling stress to the cashier. I thanked her and told her to take care and left the store. 

I came home and washed all my purchases and myself, and then, with my dinner-making aid (my rum and coke), I continued to make dinner for my kids and me. 

I called my sister on Facetime, and the kids set up online MarioKart, and they raced (to be precise – my sister and niece, in another town race against my kids, thanks to online Nintendo). At the same time, dinner got to the point it could finish making itself, and I moved over to my computer to tackle some work from a happier place (yes, with a slight buzz on and with headphones channelling pure teen pop as it’s cheeriness helps when wading through uncheery emails and it also blocks out ambient MarioKart).

By the way, don’t worry about me; my new normal was well thought out, and I’m keeping my drinking to my standard “one a day except on the occassional Friday.” 

I’ve set up a routine to deal with my new normal. It’s not particularly a routine I would “normally” choose, but it gets me through the day so I am able to do it again the next day. That’s as much as I know about what is going to happen next while in Pandemic Limbo. Another day is coming for now and I’m not sure what will come in a couple of weeks, but I’m going to keep myself as mentally sane as possible so I’ll be able to adapt into a new normal when we figure out what it is. 

7:30 AM. I wake up, and so does my youngest. 

We go to the kitchen, and I remind him to feed the cat and empty the dishwasher (he’s almost got this routine down). 

He begs me to play the Nintendo Switch, and I say, “NO, read your book until after breakfast.” And he does. 

I make and drink my one coffee of the day. It’s a new normal. I used to drink two cups (otherwise known as an entire French press), but my second coffee no longer tastes good, and it does something to my chest—is that anxiety or COVID-19? Whatever it is, that second coffee is out. 

Then Switch time starts. At some point, my teenager drifts into the kitchen/den/MY OFFICE and gets himself breakfast. He then advises his brother on Zelda until he gets handed the controls. Hey, the schedules I made them adhere to for the first three days have worked—they now know how many Switch hours there are in a day, and they share the controls accordingly. 

At 11:15, my youngest says, “I’m hungry” (it’s uncanny – same time every day), and I get up from my workstation and go to my other workstation and start washing dishes and prepping lunch. 

I say, “We are going for a bike ride/run/outside after lunch.” My kids protest or ignore me. 

We eat lunch. 

We argue about what to do next. Somewhere between the hours of 1 and 4 (when happy hours start these days—okay, maybe that is not quite the same as before), I get the kids outside, I connect with my friends and family over the phone, and I do some more work. My carefully planned work schedule has flown out the window, and I’m working in triage mode to help my neediest clients first. 

Then it’s happy hour, dinner, after-dinner Switch/work time, storytime, and bedtime at 9 PM, and the day is over, only to repeat it the next day Groundhog Day style. Yes, I make my teenager attend storytime – we are making our way through Narnia again. We read it so long ago it’s like new. Storytime is one of the highlights of my day, and I have told my teenager in no uncertain terms that if he wants Switch time, he has to endure storytime and outside time. He is almost convinced.

That is my day, which has been my day for the last 16 days (minus the kids for some days as they were with their dad – hallelujah). 

Some of you might be going – “must be nice,” and others might be going, “I don’t think I could do that for 16 days in a row…”

That’s because it’s my schedule, and I built it after knowing all my constraints and what I was willing to live with and not live with. 

As I created my pandemic limbo schedule, it reminded me of my separation process, and I realized that, hey, I’ve lived through the end of a world before.  

When I was newly separated, I had a schedule that got me through my interim period – that time between when you and your spouse decide to separate and that time when you’ve figured out your new lives in two homes.  I was, what I like to call, on mom auto-pilot. My kids were young – seven and four. I took care of them, and when they were with their dad, I cried, took long baths, and phoned my friend Barb for therapy (because I couldn’t afford therapy, or so I thought). During that time, I cursed the world, and I cursed my spouse for throwing me into a “interim period” that I had no control over. 

I drifted around for a year, blown around like a leaf, at the whims of family law, my emotions, my spouse, and my kids. My separation process lasted almost exactly a year, which at the time was an eternity. Then, I began my “new normal” as a divorced mom of a seven and a four-year-old boy. I continued to have day-long cry fests after dropping my kids off at their dad’s for his parenting time. I continued to have conflicts with my ex. My day would start with me dragging myself from bed to do whatever I needed to do to survive (and ensure my kids survived), but I was miserable.

Then, one day, about six months post-divorce, I had a breakdown – or perhaps it was an epiphany. But that day, I decided I was not going to go about my days the way that I had been, anymore. 

It took longer the first time I did it, but I created a new normal.

First, I learned how to deal with constraints, the biggest one being my emotional state. I realized that my thoughts about the unaffordability of therapy were costing me more than the actual cost of therapy, so I hired the coach who had helped me in the past.

With my coach’s help, I began to learn to deal with emotional state that had been holding me back and we began co-creating a new normal.

And while I was developing my new normal, I realized something else. What I was doing was building resilience.  I was learning to successfully adapt to difficult or challenging life experiences.

I learned how to take care of myself better and by default, my kids through the separation days, the divorce days, and now the C+ days. 

And because I’m not sure if I’ve made my point yet (yes, my stories are endless), the separation process days were horrid, as I was being blown around by some outside force that I had no control over. And the C+ days are horrid, and I have no control over them… and I’m going to be okay.

MBA

by | Aug 28, 2024 | Tools & Tips

MBA

I attended high school in the 1980s. High school is when we are largely unaware of our own ignorance. Back then, the landscape for women was changing significantly— most girls would pursue careers, a relatively new expectation, and new career paths had opened to girls, especially in previously inaccessible fields, such as science.

Although I had little interest in physics, I enjoyed Chemistry and Biology. Chemistry was my preference until I learned that chemists often have shorter life spans, which led me to pursue Biology instead. Though I never loved Biology, I found it manageable and decided to earn a BSc. as those around me strongly influenced me to go the science route.

After graduation, I faced the daunting question: what next? Becoming a doctor seemed too demanding, requiring much more schooling, and a brief stint in research made it clear that I didn’t have the disposition for it. I was at a loss for direction. I did well at various things, making it difficult to choose a single path. Also, aside from the leisure time I valued, something my friend Ed jokingly pointed out was my only real passion, I had little sense of what truly interested me.

Ultimately, I let money guide my decision. I chose to pursue accounting, reasoning that accountants are always in demand. However, this required taking a new set of undergraduate courses, a prospect that didn’t appeal to me. So, I found an alternative: I decided to pursue an MBA. The “core” courses in an MBA program would satisfy the prerequisites for an accounting designation, and they weren’t undergraduate courses. Plus, at the time, I could take additional undergraduate courses for free as part of my MBA, so I met all the prerequisites for just $900 per term—a real bargain.

I completed my MBA solely to become an accountant, without genuine interest in the degree. In hindsight, I don’t think the two additional years of graduate-level courses were worth it. I didn’t maintain connections with my MBA cohort and never included the degree on my resume.

For years, I didn’t mention my MBA to anyone—it seemed irrelevant, given that I had no desire to pursue work typically associated with the degree. I viewed my MBA years as something of a wasteland.

Yet, those years taught me a valuable lesson: the importance of considering the journey toward a goal. How will I get there?

Today, I include “MBA” among my credentials, recognizing that the experience, while not what I envisioned, was part of my journey.

Evolution Vs. Change

Evolution Vs. Change

by | Feb 3, 2024 | Resources

“Life is a journey, not a destination”. “Life is beautiful”.

I stare at both mantras daily as I eat dinner with my kids – the mantras stare out at me from placemats that my parents gave me for Christmas ten years ago. 

I wholeheartedly agree with my placemats but have not lived my life like a journey despite my agreement.

Instead, I’m always packing my bags to get somewhere and still figuring out what to take with me. Every day, I sort through my “stuff” and fret that I’ve forgotten something or packed incorrectly.

But something has shifted this past year. 

Defining what has shifted is hard; it’s more of a feeling. What has changed? I can only identify it by noticing what is missing, and what is missing is anxiety and anxiety’s friend, depression. It is ironic, but I had anxiety that my anxiety was missing for about six months. I felt oddly “flat,” and I wondered if I was depressed for a few more months.  I’ve still had many moments of anger, grief, happiness, and boredom over the past few months, but they’ve felt different – the emotions lasted however long they needed to last, and then they were gone. The anxiety, depression, and drive that pushed me onward, which usually took over from the first emotional trigger, had disappeared. 

What happened?

For a while, I kept trying to find an answer to why I felt different. There must be a clear, concrete “something” that suddenly caused me to change. The headaches I started to develop that were explained by menopause instead were signs of brain cancer, and brain cancer was impacting my emotions, was one thought I had. Or even menopause had caused me to shift suddenly.

I looked for one thing to explain my shift and minimized all the subtle changes I had made over the past ten years. I did not acknowledge that my shift could relate to my work to live in alignment with my values, slow down and live in the present. I did not recognize the ten years of life experience and daily challenges I have given myself through my day-to-day living as a full-time single parent on a part-time basis, navigating new relationships, and building my own business. I forgot about my ten years of coaching and training, the mistakes I had to address and hold myself accountable for, and the successes that had taught me what works and doesn’t.

Instead, I assumed I had magically changed or imagined something was wrong.

Our world acknowledges social media-worthy and groundbreaking change accompanied by fireworks and celebration. Our world treats change like a destination we arrived at suddenly, not an evolution that took us years.

Then, when we don’t change, and our world doesn’t change, we give up, throw up our hands, say it’s impossible to change and succumb to anxiety or depression. We carry on as we carried on before, feeling heavy and living as we always have – assuming that nothing will ever change and living to survive and hoping one day, maybe we will find that elusive life destination in which we are happy, everything works as it should, and we will be done – we will have accomplished “life.”

Change takes time

In life, we search for that defining moment, a single catalyst that transforms us into a new version of ourselves. Change is not a sudden destination but an ongoing evolution. Until we recognize this, we will continue to evolve slowly, if at all. We are navigating the evolving path of life, acknowledging its nuances, and embracing the journey with all its complexities. As I continue to unpack the baggage of expectations and learn to appreciate each moment, I find solace in the understanding that life’s beauty lies not in the destination but in the perpetual journey of change and growth. 

What a Budget Can Do for You

What a Budget Can Do for You

by | Jan 2, 2024 | Divorce, Finances

What do you think when you hear the word budget? 

Do you think: “Ugh – I know I should do one, but I’m going to discover I can’t spend the way I want,” or, “Budgeting will confirm I don’t make enough money; there’s no way I can afford to live the life I want.” Or perhaps you think you don’t need one, as you’ve always managed just fine. 

What is the thought that is stopping you from budgeting? 

Very few of us proactively plan our spending – many of us spend what we have and only do a budget when we start to notice we are spending more than we bring in and are heading into a financial crisis. 

What if, instead, we proactively planned how to spend our money? 

If we proactively planned our spending, we would have much higher odds of living the life we want instead of being controlled by our money – much like a ping pong ball in a pinball machine, which is how most of the world operates. 

When starting over post-separation, having a spending plan, that is, a budget, allowed me to build the path to my dreams. 

I needed to know where I stood financially, how much money was coming in, and how much would go out. I also needed to understand how and why I spent money. 

At the time of my divorce, I was a stay-at-home mom and had been out of the workforce for five years. I also had a seven-year-old and a four-year-old that I had to care for on a shared parenting basis. In BC, where I live, having a shared parenting arrangement means that each parent must pay child support to their co-parent based on their total income for the most recently ended tax year. I didn’t have any reportable income for the past year, so I agreed that I could have an income of $30,000 imputed to me – this means that I could likely earn $30,000 for the coming year. Imputed income is not actual cash flow coming in, but it did mean that I would receive less child support from my co-parent. 

I had about $1,000 per month coming in for child support, some government benefits ($120 per month) and nothing else. I also had zero cash reserves, but I did have RRSP savings and an accounting designation. 

I also had done my budget – I needed another $1,000 monthly to cover the basics (housing and food). 

I also knew, deep down, that there was no way I was going back to the work I had been doing before I had my children. The hours didn’t work, and it had been slowly destroying my soul as it was not aligned with my values. It would have certainly solved my money problems, though. I had made quite a bit more than the imputed $30,000. 

So, while my budget seemed bleak (it proved I would have to scramble to cover everything), it created a path I could follow, and while I knew I would not be saving anything for a while, I would be living the life I wanted. I would have time to care for my children without worrying about childcare and have enough to cover the basics while creating a life that aligns with me. 

An essential part of the budget process is knowing yourself. 

Knowing yourself and your circumstances opens up an entirely new world. If you know what drives you and what you need in life, your budget will become the empowering tool it is meant to be, a tool to help you make decisions. It is not a set of instructions you have to follow for the rest of your life – just because we put that you get to spend $2000 a year on travel does not mean you can never spend a nickel more. You could take an extra job or cut back somewhere. Your budget allows you to decide where you save and spend your money, and if you know how you like doing this, then your budget combines with this knowledge to make the decisions work for you.

My strong understanding of my cash flow and financial and life circumstances allowed me to stay on my path. I dipped into my RRSP to pay for coaching and sold a few things to give me the extra cash flow I needed to keep afloat. Soon, friends who knew I needed work started giving me the odd accounting job to give me the additional cash flow I needed. At the same time, I built my business to become a collaborative professional supporting people navigating separation, and I then pivoted to become a financial coach. The first accounting gig I got was collections work – this was certainly not something I liked doing, but I knew it was a short-term term gig, and it led me to find other short-term accounting work and introduced me to people and their friends, many of whom would turn up in my life again in my new roles as a financial neutral and then a financial coach. 

Ten years post-separation, I am truly living the life I want, and I’m still budgeting to keep living the life I want. Budgeting is a process that keeps us on the path to living our dreams. 

Evolving Out of “Stuck”

by | Dec 27, 2023 | Divorce, Finances, Parenting, Tools & Tips

We do not have to wait to find happiness somewhere in the distance sometime in the future. Our old ideas about the paths to joy have evolved; we can choose happiness now. 

Do you feel stuck? Do you feel like you’re living in limbo? Do you think your destiny is to keep doing the same things repeatedly – tweaking your life as best you can to survive it? Are you at the mercy of someone else? Is your money controlling you? Are the systems you find yourself in trapping you in a life you didn’t sign up for? Do you feel sorry for yourself, unloved and alone? 

There is a path out of limbo, but it’s hard to find and often hard to stay on once you find it, as it requires the evolution of your beliefs about the path to happiness. 

The well-worn paths we can see in front of us are the ones we naturally follow and find ourselves on. The paths the world shows us are so well-trodden and easy to follow that we need to develop our minds and eyes to see the uncommon paths that will lead us to a better place. 

It can be hard to head off on a path that no one else is taking, and it often seems like we are hand-delivered right to the start of those well-worn paths. What paths does the world hold out to us? 

  1. To wait for someone to rescue us. 
  2. To “fix” our lives until they are tolerable. 
  3. To silently suffer until we do something dramatic to propel us out of limbo. 

If you choose path one, waiting for someone to come to the rescue, you will likely wait a long time because more people need to be rescued than rescuers. Path one has us grab onto anyone who provides us with a glimmer of what is missing from our lives. Whether it is someone who is “nice,” “fun,” or “exciting” or provides us with a different experience from the limbo we find ourselves in. While doing something different can give us a mental boost for a time, eventually, we find ourselves back in limbo, as stuck as we ever were, but now we have one more person or pursuit to deal with. We have compounded our unhappiness because we begin to notice that even with this new person or a new hobby, we are still, deep down, unhappy. 

Then there is path two: fixing what is wrong in our lives or a life lived in reaction. While path two relates to what will get you out of limbo, there is a fundamental flaw: you are often tweaking things to live a life someone else has suggested is the right way to live. Path two is the most soul-destroying and dangerous way to live. While path one can invite outside danger into your life, path two creates a situation where you take yourself down into a hole that can be difficult or impossible to climb. 

In path two, you usually don’t have the resources or personality to live that imagined perfect life, but that doesn’t stop you from trying. You work hard to achieve the life reflected in the world around you (especially on social media) or try to live according to what your family has told you is the right way to live. You have a vision of what a happy life looks like, and off you head in that direction, “fixing” your circumstances and yourself to get there. You become the “people pleaser” and the “master of control,” all rolled into one. But it is impossible to please others, and you cannot control the world – chaos reigns. Path two is the path many of us take – and many of us persist for years and years, working hard to get to happiness and achieving as we go. But the cruel irony of path two is when you get to your desired destination (losing pieces of yourself along the way), you realize you are not happy. With this realization that your life has been a struggle for seemingly naught, you fall into anger or depression and often despair. Path two leads to path three. 

People crash their way onto the third, often travelled path, from their combined anger and depression from having travelled path two. Path three begins by doing something dramatic. Doing something dramatic does propel us out of limbo, but we have little control over what happens next. Path three is like setting off a bomb, which, while it creates change, may lead to cleaning up the debris and fallout for years to come, making it impossible to find happiness. 

Finding our path to happiness

Discovering our path to happiness requires personal evolution. If you feel stuck, it may be because you have followed the well-worn path that the world has pointed out. It may take time to recognize that you are following the wrong path, especially if everyone else is continuing along that path. Once you gain awareness that you are lost, stand still, evaluate your surroundings, and consider your resources before moving forward. Instead of rashly choosing any direction to escape being lost, stop and get your bearings. 

With awareness, you can begin again on your journey, slowly and steadily and savouring each step. Begin enjoying the journey, reminding yourself to look for your path, one that may not look like anyone else’s. When uncertain about the next steps, pause again to get your bearings instead of succumbing to panic and remind yourself of who you are, what you dream of and what you carry with you before heading off again. You’ll gradually identify paths that align with you. Along the way, you will encounter fellow travellers with similar aspirations. Whether you continue independently or join others on the same path, you’ll begin to appreciate the fulfillment of navigating a journey aligned with you. Cultivating gratitude for your ability to rescue yourself and navigate a fulfilling path becomes a transformative journey. Carry on, and one day, you will stop, not to find your bearings, but to notice that you have finally found happiness – it is in you, and you carry it with you. Your thoughts have evolved, and you understand that happiness is not the destination – it is with you, every step along the path you take. 

Sustainable Decisions

by | Nov 21, 2023 | Resources

Recently, I spoke with a friend going through major life transitions. Like many of us, she and her family are stressed.

The current situation

My friend is in her late 40s with two children under 11. Her husband, also in his late 40s, recently quit his job. He realized it was not the right fit, and he knew that, soon, his employers would start looking for someone who was a better fit. He wanted to take control of his life.

While he quit his job to maintain postive mental health, his search for a new job is ongoing and he is having a hard time not getting discouraged. Their youngest child just started at a new school and needs more support. Their oldest daughter is gifted and is going to an expensive private school.

My friend has spent the last year training herself for a new profession only to discover that the expected professional job market isn’t there.

With all this happening, they have used up their emergency funds. It’s time to decide whether to take on more debt or start taking money out of their retirement fund.

My friend started our conversation by stating her husband is sleeping a lot.

Oversleeping is a classic sign of depression.

It all sounds stressful

Getting rejected day after day by potential employers for jobs he has convinced himself would be exciting, he’s now applying for jobs in other Provinces. Adding an cross-country move into the mix will add even more stress to their lives. And what if the job didn’t work out?

Meanwhile, the family has been focused on getting through their days with little thought to planning and aligning goals with values, as that is hard to do, in the middle of the extreme pressure this family is currently under.

Uncomfortable feedback

My friend asked what I thought.

I acknowledged that yes, they did indeed seem to have an unfair share of stress in their lives right now.

I asked her what she thought about making such life changing decisions when they are suffering from stress.

She got quiet and said “I think it’s is going to get worse before it gets better.”

Do things only get better when they can’t get any worse?

I sat with my friend and we pondered her rather bleak comment.

Was it only by hitting the proverbial wall that she and her husband would find the fortitude to push through to a way forward? What if crashing into that wall meant they couldn’t move forward at all?

I asked my friend if there was a way for them to get some breathing room into their lives so they could slow down their decision making to find a more sustainable path forward.

She just looked at me and said,

“well, we may be able to dip into retirement savings – that might buy us some time.”

I think she expected me to argue with her – dip into retirement savings! What kind of financial planner would support that strategy?

Instead, I said – let’s look at your big picture financial situation – maybe there is a way, after all.

Split Personality

Split Personality

by | Nov 21, 2023 | Parenting

Are you a full-time and part-time parent?

Did any of you watch Seinfeld back in the day? I did, and one episode resonated strongly with me. George was struggling with his two personas: Independent George and Relationship George. Relationship George was killing fun-loving Independent George!

Toggling between two different lives is hard.

Mom Renée (“Mom”) is causing all sorts of issues for Independent Renée (“Indy”), and Indy does not get off in the blame department either. Indy seems to forget what Mom's life is like the minute the kids walk out the door to spend time with their dad.

THE LONELINESS TRAP

Suddenly childless and lonely, Indy takes on work, volunteer, and social commitments.

All Indy can think about is that she must fill the hours that the children are absent. Indy must be productive and not wallow in self-pity.

Then, suddenly, the children are back, and Indy reverts to Mom. Suddenly, Mom has to make breakfast, lunch and dinner and ferry kids to various activities while trying to finish Indy’s work all with disruptive children clammoring in the background. How is Mom supposed to get anything done?! The children are no longer with Mom; they are now living with grumpy and stressed-out Renée – “Frantica.”

THE BUSY TRAP

Frantica longs for the peaceful solitude of Indy’s life. “Seriously, what was Indy thinking, lonely? I’ll give you lonely,” Frantica thinks. Frantica would kill for some lonely time when she is in the thick of getting everything done. Frantica looks ahead at Indy’s calendar and cuts a swath through everything. “That ignorant Indy!” thinks Frantica. “I’ll teach her to overschedule and overcommit. She is not doing anything this weekend when the kids are with their dad. She will recharge, lay low, and prepare herself for the week when the kids are back.”

Pain

Then, quicker than you can blink, Indy is back and staring at the weekend ahead that Frantica just planned. Indy recharges in a day, and then peaceful solitude becomes debilitating loneliness. Indy adds as many things as possible to stave off loneliness and creates rules for Mom. Mom must go to yoga during the week. Mom must do better at getting work done when the kids are in bed. “NO MORE NETFLIX, Mom!” shouts Indy. 

overwhelm

Then Mom is back and trying to negotiate these rules that Indy set up. “Indy has not been using that brain of hers again.” She doesn’t know how exhausting it is to work all day, fight with the kids over bedtime routines, and now she wants me to write blog posts and better myself in the hours between 9 to 11 pm?” I cannot do it, thinks Mom. Mom gets depressed and wonders what the point is of all this work anyway. Seriously, Mom says to herself. There must be a better way.

A BETTER WAY

As with everything, communication and mindfulness is critical. Much like the movie Mememto, Mom and Indy have started to leave notes for each other on their shared desk.

NOTES FOR BUILDING A VALUE-ALIGNED LIFE AND FINDING PEACE:

  • Before taking anything on, ask yourself if it fits your values and beliefs. 
  • Why are you taking on this new project?
  • Would you do this if you were short of time? Or are you just doing it to keep busy?

NOTES FOR SELF-CARE:

  • I am sacrificing some of my weekend fun time to catch up on grunt work. Please make sure you try to let go when with the kids and have a fun time with them.
  • I am recharging and using this time so you do not become Frantica. Please remember that your time with the kids is brief; the most important thing is to be present with them and take care of yourself.
  • Please also remember to look for when you can complete work when you are Mom. Schedule a reasonable amount of time for me to complete that work if you don’t, and don’t forget to schedule something fun for me, Indy.

Then Indy adds more as she has more time to reflect than Mom: “I know it’s tough, but remember, you eventually get to have some solitude. Remember to be grateful.”

Slowly, these messages between Indy and Mom are starting to get through.

The shared message they tell the other? 

It's going to take time to get this right. Be kind to yourself in the meantime. 

Are you a full-time and part-time parent?

Did any of you watch Seinfeld back in the day? I did, and one episode resonated strongly with me. George was struggling with his two personas: Independent George and Relationship George. Relationship George was killing fun-loving Independent George!

Toggling between two different lives is hard.

Mom Renée (“Mom”) is causing all sorts of issues for Independent Renée (“Indy”), and Indy does not get off in the blame department either. Indy seems to forget what Mom's life is like the minute the kids walk out the door to spend time with their dad.

THE LONELINESS TRAP

Suddenly childless and lonely, Indy takes on work, volunteer, and social commitments.

All Indy can think about is that she must fill the hours that the children are absent. Indy must be productive and not wallow in self-pity.

Then, suddenly, the children are back, and Indy reverts to Mom. Suddenly, Mom has to make breakfast, lunch and dinner and ferry kids to various activities while trying to finish Indy’s work all with disruptive children clammoring in the background. How is Mom supposed to get anything done?! The children are no longer with Mom; they are now living with grumpy and stressed-out Renée – “Frantica.”

THE BUSY TRAP

Frantica longs for the peaceful solitude of Indy’s life. “Seriously, what was Indy thinking, lonely? I’ll give you lonely,” Frantica thinks. Frantica would kill for some lonely time when she is in the thick of getting everything done. Frantica looks ahead at Indy’s calendar and cuts a swath through everything. “That ignorant Indy!” thinks Frantica. “I’ll teach her to overschedule and overcommit. She is not doing anything this weekend when the kids are with their dad. She will recharge, lay low, and prepare herself for the week when the kids are back.”

Pain

Then, quicker than you can blink, Indy is back and staring at the weekend ahead that Frantica just planned. Indy recharges in a day, and then peaceful solitude becomes debilitating loneliness. Indy adds as many things as possible to stave off loneliness and creates rules for Mom. Mom must go to yoga during the week. Mom must do better at getting work done when the kids are in bed. “NO MORE NETFLIX, Mom!” shouts Indy. 

overwhelm

Then Mom is back and trying to negotiate these rules that Indy set up. “Indy has not been using that brain of hers again.” She doesn’t know how exhausting it is to work all day, fight with the kids over bedtime routines, and now she wants me to write blog posts and better myself in the hours between 9 to 11 pm?” I cannot do it, thinks Mom. Mom gets depressed and wonders what the point is of all this work anyway. Seriously, Mom says to herself. There must be a better way.

A BETTER WAY

As with everything, communication and mindfulness is critical. Much like the movie Mememto, Mom and Indy have started to leave notes for each other on their shared desk.

NOTES FOR BUILDING A VALUE-ALIGNED LIFE AND FINDING PEACE:

  • Before taking anything on, ask yourself if it fits your values and beliefs. 
  • Why are you taking on this new project?
  • Would you do this if you were short of time? Or are you just doing it to keep busy?

NOTES FOR SELF-CARE:

  • I am sacrificing some of my weekend fun time to catch up on grunt work. Please make sure you try to let go when with the kids and have a fun time with them.
  • I am recharging and using this time so you do not become Frantica. Please remember that your time with the kids is brief; the most important thing is to be present with them and take care of yourself.
  • Please also remember to look for when you can complete work when you are Mom. Schedule a reasonable amount of time for me to complete that work if you don’t, and don’t forget to schedule something fun for me, Indy.

Then Indy adds more as she has more time to reflect than Mom: “I know it’s tough, but remember, you eventually get to have some solitude. Remember to be grateful.”

Slowly, these messages between Indy and Mom are starting to get through.

The shared message they tell the other? 

It's going to take time to get this right. Be kind to yourself in the meantime. 

Does Salary Level Determine the Worthiness of a Job?

by | Nov 20, 2023 | Divorce, Parenting

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Does salary level determine the worthiness of a job or a person?

Most of us would say “NO WAY!” including myself, yet actions and behaviour speak louder than words.

When I was earning a decent salary (actually, some would have probably considered it indecent), for my age, people treated me differently. They seemed to respect me automatically, and I never felt I had to justify my actions. I was making a lot of money; therefore, my work was worthy, and by default, I was too.

Then I became a stay-at-home mom, and we all know how much we stay-at-home parents get paid, and that amount is zip, zero, nada.

Nobody questioned my decision when I first decided to become a stay-at-home parent. I had some savings from work and was expecting my second child. I had worked enough during the year to guarantee that I would get parental leave benefits when my second child was born.
Now that I think about it, it is fascinating how many people had opinions on my new status.

Most people told me I was making a good decision. They said, “Your children are only young once; you’re lucky to spend time with them when they are young.”

And I agree. I was fortunate to spend time with my kids when they were young.

But the other message I internalized from this comment was that I wasn’t genuinely working or working at a job that benefited anyone other than me.

As time went by and my kids got older (four years old and two years old), my justification for staying at home became more and more of a topic of conversation, and I became more internally defensive. I started keeping a mental list of how I was contributing to our overall household, which I began to obsess over almost daily.

The first question out of my spouse’s mouth, when he got home from work, was, “What did you do today?” although he may not have been looking for proof that I had worked, I had my list at the ready to prove I had not been surfing the web all day. My husband didn’t have to justify his actions because he brought home a paycheque every two weeks that confirmed he was working and contributing.

To make myself feel more justified in what I was doing, I decided I could live with less “fun” funds than my husband. I cut my leisure spending to one-third of my husband’s.

It is funny what my pay cut did to our family dynamic. I didn’t need that extra money, but in a sense, I had just taken a notional pay cut, which further minimized my mental worth. My relationship with my spouse was becoming more unbalanced – we were no longer equal in my eyes or his.
At that point, my husband and I had monetary proof that my job wasn’t as worthy as his.

This concept carried over into our divorce process. There was limited discussion about how I contributed to the household; my contribution was glossed over, and the main discussion revolved around when I would start “work.” We didn’t discuss the fact that I had effectively lost my job because being a stay-at-home parent is not recognized as a job. I had been on a lark, and now I had to get down to business and find something worthy.

What was the difference between my job and my (now) ex’s? His was paid; mine was not.

So, if you are considering becoming a stay-at-home parent, I strongly encourage you to set up your finances as follows:

Take your spouse’s salary, divide it by two, and automatically transfer half into your own bank account every pay period. Then, you and your spouse pay half of the joint family expenses, and you each pay for your personal spending from your remaining funds.

If you are about to become a stay-at-home parent, I encourage you to discuss a financial arrangement with your spouse before your baby is born. If you discover that your spouse does not support a proposal like the one I recommend above, you may have some talking to do with each other. It’s better to find this out before you give up your career to focus on a dead-end, unpaid job as a stay-at-home parent.

If your spouse supports this financial treatment, you will know that your spouse considers it a worthy endeavour – its worthiness is supported by the fact that you earn money to do the job. Despite the saying that money does not define the worthiness of jobs or people, actions and behaviour speak louder than words.

Single Mom with Teenagers

by | Nov 19, 2023 | Resources

There have been memes regarding teenagers before the word “meme” existed. 

The one that I recall seeing on little plaques in bookstores and novelty shops: 

“Teenage grandkids are every grandparent’s secret revenge on their own teenagers.”

I don’t think my parents need revenge against me; I was a saint.

So, it’s not karma that has turned me into a single mom to two teenage boys; it’s just how my life turned out. And while being a single parent was never my life’s aspiration, I wouldn’t have it any other way as I love my kids, and I know my co-parent and I are happier apart. 

But I can help prevent people from succumbing to the same fate or reassure them that they are not alone. 

It is never easy to be a single parent, even if it’s a part-time single parent with a co-parent. Of course, parenting is usually more manageable if you have a co-parent. I often console myself by reminding myself that at least my teenagers’ dad is working with me to provide consistent parenting to my teenagers, or the gruesome twosome, as I sometimes think of them. 

If you are contemplating separation and think you are better off being a 100% on-duty parent, consider it more. 

When I separated, I wanted primary custody of my kids. I thought I was a better parent (I had been the stay-at-home parent for most of their lives). I had a lot of practice in morning routines, bedtime routines, arranging playdates, meal preparation and all other required caregiving duties involved in raising children. I even learned to anticipate the arsenic hour (you know the arsenic hour – between 4 and 6 pm when your children turn into Frankenstein, a werewolf and demon rolled into one?). 

My co-parent was, frankly, useless regarding the typical caregiving duties. My kids would go off to his house and return to mine wearing each other’s clothes. “Uh, Ellis, did you notice you are wearing Rowan’s pants?” Ellis’s pants went to mid-shin. My co-parent promised to arrange our eldest’s birthday for two years before it happened. And when it did, it was because I wrestled it back from him and did it at my place. My seven-year-old had his sleepover when he was nine. My co-parent managed to feed my kids, but I know it consisted mainly of take-out. I’m pretty confident my children only bathed at my house for many years. I typically bought their clothes, arranged doctor’s and dentist’s appointments, and arranged everything related to school (including ensuring they got into a choice program in both elementary and high school). Sorry if you are reading this co-parent, but it’s true. You can argue that I wasn’t very good at making money – also true. It’s a good thing I’m good at managing money!

But, because my co-parent and I shared parenting, I had opportunities to learn how to make money, and my co-parent had opportunities to practice being a better caregiver.

The other life skills I wasn’t very good at were playing and finding joy. I’d forgotten how because I thought it was up to me to carry my kids through life, and there was no time for play.

But I also had a chance to find joy in life again.

I had breaks from parenting, which we all know is primarily unrewarding grunt work. Of course, parenting can also be extremely rewarding. My children’s sweet, angelic faces may have carried me through the tough times (not during the arsenic hour), but once they hit teenagerhood, the rewarding moments seemingly take a hiatus. I’m told they return when your children turn twenty-five, maybe thirty for boys. 

So, as my youngest ticked over the magic threshold into becoming a teenager, I thank my lucky stars every day that my co-parent and I have had enough time to learn how to be better co-parents together. My co-parent is still not quite at the same level as me in the caregiving roles. I’m still not quite at the same level as my co-parent at making money. (What they say is true about women taking a break from the workforce to raise children and the various reasons women earn less than men). But my co-parent and I are exponentially better at our new roles than if I had taken full custody of our kids. 

Teenagers can be brutal to live with as a single parent.

I am still spending many of my waking hours looking after their every need (it’s hard to break years of ingrained habits, and I’m required to feed them, right?), and they now spend their waking hours dodging me. When my children do deign to hang out with me, it’s usually to mock or argue with me. I understand why they are like this. I know that teenagers are going through significant physiological changes – their brains are shedding, their hormones are raging, and they live in a stressful world where they spend a good chunk of their day at what they perceive as a jail. 

I know all this and understand- I empathize with my kids. 

But despite understanding and empathizing with my kids, sharing a space with two very unpleasant people for hours and being one of me against two of them is very hard. Did I already say that? I can’t emphasize it enough. Two horrendous teenagers are being mean to me, and no one else in my home can commiserate with me or remind me that I’m not crazy. 

So, why am I telling you all this? A few reasons.

  • If you plan to have children, ask yourself if your planned co-parent is the partner with whom you want to raise children. And I know we all think they are, only to change our minds after the children are born. So, do some parenting courses and design a contract about who does what when the children arrive before the children arrive. Plan the logistics before you have kids instead of having to do it when you separate, and the separation conflict prevents you from creating a parenting plan. 
  • If separating with kids, before deciding that your ex-spouse would make a useless parent and you had better take it all on, think again. I thought my co-parent would never be able to raise our kids as I could, and I was right. My co-parent has different strengths than me, and our kids have benefitted from our combined strengths, and we have both grown and improved in areas where we had weaknesses. (Caveat: if your spouse and future co-parent are abusive, you may have to be the sole caregiver. If you feel your spouse is abusing you or your children, please seek help for this first). 
  • Separate mindfully and try to separate when your kids are tweens and teenagers only if you and your spouse are on the same parenting page and mutually agree that your family will be better off if you separate. Yes, it’s okay to separate when your children are teenagers if you are consciously uncoupling (either by having a kitchen table, collaborative or mediated divorce). But be aware that high-conflict separations are a disaster for teenage development. And last but not least: 
  • Take care of yourself, take time for yourself, and find some friends to support you when your children become teenagers. My current strategy is to leave the house – they love it, and I love it! Of course, I put house protection in place before leaving. I go outside, sometimes just for a bike ride or a walk. I call my other “mom” friends, who remind me that I’m not crazy. And if you haven’t found “mom” friends yet, don’t worry; they aren’t hard to find. You can often spot them taking solo walks around the neighbourhood, muttering to themselves or looking like they are walking off an argument. Smile at them, say a kind word, and you have likely just found your first “mom” friend. 

Finding Happiness

by | Jan 3, 2021 | Resources

What are your rules for a successful life? And how did you develop the rules you follow?

I frequently ask myself that question, as most of my life, I followed a set of rules that I seemed to have absorbed from the air around me. Only within the last ten years did I begin designing the life I want to live. The path I follow changes as I gather experience and self-awareness.

I’ve recently developed a new life rule: I will only work on Collaborative Divorce files that utilize a divorce coach and use an equitable, inclusive and team-based approach.

A Collaborative Divorce is a process guiding participants toward a happier life. While participants often think the overriding goal of the Collaborative Process is to avoid court, the actual design behind it is to support individuals and families as they navigate a challenging life transition to live happier lives. And, if parents, they can co-parent more effectively in the future. The Collaborative Process requires each party to sign a Participation Agreement promising to stay out of the court system because it is impossible to have equitable and inclusive planning sessions with threats of court looming over everyone’s head. The couple does not need to know how to collaborate; the process helps those in conflict by providing structure to help couples minimize conflict while navigating their separation process.

I work as a Financial Neutral in Collaborative Divorce, a journey inspired by my own experience with separation and divorce. I help individuals and families get the financial clarity they need to make the best financial choices for their future.

Pre-separation, my path meandered from science to accounting, yet unhappiness persisted. I landed in a finance job that paid well but left me unfulfilled. Eventually, my husband and I realized our unhappiness and tried various solutions but decided divorce was the only option. We entered the world of Collaborative Divorce, which transformed our lives.

After our divorce and using the glimmer of hope I got from my divorce coach, I embarked on helping others navigate difficult life transitions.

Fast forward ten years, and I’ve conquered my habit of reacting to life and external influences. I commit to only work on Collaborative Divorce cases that incorporate a divorce coach. I want to use my life experiences to support my family, friends, and clients in the best way possible, and this is my way of doing so.