Money and Divorce

Money and Divorce

by | Feb 6, 2018 | Divorce

A few months ago, I was at a presentation about money. It was not a presentation about new tax rules or how to invest, it was about how hard it is to talk about money.

“I know that!” I thought to myself — A+ for me.

Why is talking about money so hard?

Well, that night of the presentation, we were all asked what money meant to each of us. Answers varied, but I knew what mine was.

For me, there is a strong link between money and my feelings of self-worth.

I think this undercurrent drives our society.

When I was negotiating my divorce, I felt like I had no voice and no value because I was not earning any income as a stay-at-home mom. Every meeting with divorce coaches and lawyers was torturous because I did not feel heard. At the time I was lost, I did not know why I did the things I did, what value I brought to the family. I believed that everyone was listening to my co-parent as he held all the power because he earned all the income. They were listening to him because he had more value because he made more money. I truly believed this and had for my entire life. In fact, it is a belief that still lurks beneath the surface in me and as stated above, I think it lurks beneath the surface of our society.

In fact, I felt like I could not live my life according to my values. I had walked away from my highly paid job as a financial analyst to be a stay-at-home parent and, during our legal meetings, the only thing I kept hearing was: “when is Renée going to go back and get her high paying job back?”

When indeed?

Instead of figuring out what I needed to continue to move forward with my life, I proposed all the plans I would take to do just that; get back to that high paying job. In fact, it was even written into our separation agreement – Renée’s plan for getting her career back – clearly laid out on page 5. Because I wanted that separation agreement. That is what I felt I needed. Once I had that agreement, I would be able to move on with my life. The divorce coaches and lawyers (all collaborative) tried to help me elucidate what I wanted but I didn’t know myself. Being the type-A person that I am was and wanting to save money, I kept driving the separation process forward while burying the emotions that kept trying to pop to the surface. I also did my budgets and figured out how to divide the money. I thought that part was easy.

Since that time, my life has not taken that clear path that I thought it was going to take. It was not simply a matter of making clear, logical choices to get to the end goal.

Getting Clearer

Under the surface, I had a battle against my thoughts about expectations of me and figure out what was going on. It was only once I got a handle on that, that decisions and choices become easier

As I grow my business and work with people and their finances as they negotiate their divorce, I realize that we are all on a similar path. I have yet to meet a client that can easily decide when faced with different financial options. I have yet to meet a client that can clearly articulate their feelings and thoughts around their financial situation.

I am often the first professional newly separated couples contact for help. After all, society has driven home the message that divorce is about dividing the money. So, they contact the financial professional because there are clear rules and ways to divide the money, right? No.

Divorce is a stoplight

When life says, “you are not living your life according to what drives you and, you’ve reached that point where you can go no further on the path that you are currently on.” You can sit at that intersection for quite some time before you figure out how to make that stop-light turn green.

I’m going to help you. Who is the first professional you should see?

Well, this is not going to be the answer that society tells you it should be.

The answer is you need to see a team

You need a financial professional to help you figure out where you stand financially at this moment in life and to also give you information about what your future financial situation could look like depending on which option you choose and decision you make.

You need a mental health professional or coach to help you develop options that are in line with the values that drive you forward in life.

And you need a lawyer to advise you of the legal rules around separation and divorce and who can also document the separation agreement that you are going to use to navigate your new life post-divorce.

Don’t be like the old uninformed me. Don’t use your professional advisors to create a separation agreement that clearly outlines the steps to the life you don’t want post-divorce.

Instead, take it from the new me, a financial and divorce expert. Use the team to help you create the life you want.

Four Years on Post Divorce – what does it look like?

Four Years on Post Divorce – what does it look like?

by | Apr 11, 2017 | Divorce

It has been four years since I separated from my husband.

My kids have gone from 4 and 7 to 8 and 11.

I have a pretty fantastic life right now. While it has its struggles, I am in a new career that still excites me, and I get up every day looking forward to work. I have a parenting relationship with my co-parent that allows us to share the burdens and joys of parenting far better than we did when we were together.

I spend most of my day feeling content, and some of my days are truly amazing and awesome. The days that are not great last a day (sometimes two), and then I return to being content.

If anyone had told me how long it would take to get to the place four years ago, it would have depressed me further than I already was. But I would be surprised if they had told me how happy I would be.  When I was in the hell of separation, I was living out my life as a mom – when that job was done, I was going to be done. Moms are never done being moms, so I would never have been done. Instead, I would have lived out my life as a mom in a sad and depressed state.

I was reminded of this recently.

I met someone who is in an unhappy marriage. She wants out. Her husband does not.

They each have their reasons for their choice. My ex was the one who wanted out, and I did not. I wasn’t happy in my marriage, but fear kept me there. My ex was likely fearful, too, but his unhappiness must have been bigger than his fear, and he stepped out of our marriage. I am grateful for the end of my marriage and the path it set me on.

Divorce opened up a new path for me.

Before, I lived in fear; I did everything out of fear. I took jobs I didn’t like that paid well because what would happen if I couldn’t find work?

I stayed in a marriage that I was unhappy in because what would happen to my kids if I got divorced?

I stayed small and contained, fearing what opening myself up to change would do. I assumed it would be bad.

Change was hard and not easy. I had to change a lot of things.

The hardest part of all was that I had to change my mind about almost everything that I thought I knew about being a woman, a mom, an accountant, and single with children.

Everything. And to do that, I needed help.  None of it was easier than staying in a marriage that didn’t work. Yet every step that I took on the new path has opened up a world I thought I would never live in.

So, if you’re hesitating, know that when you reach out for help, you are putting your feet onto your own path forward.

Why Get a marriage Agreement?

by | Dec 14, 2016 | Divorce

a1fmxesw31g-freestocks-orgIt is pretty darn easy to get married. All you need is a license; it only costs $100! Of course, some people have fancy weddings, and yes, they take a lot to organize and can be costly. But you get a choice in doing that.

You don’t get the same choice when you are getting a divorce. It only takes one person to decide that they want out of a marriage. Not so with marriage – you both have to say, “I do.” In divorce, one person can file a claim for a divorce. If the other spouse does not deal with it, it goes to the court, and the judge decides. The court does not always make the best decisions regarding families, so I highly recommend that you try to work it out with your soon-to-be ex-spouse before it gets to the courts.  Court is darn expensive, too – about $ 5,000 a day. That doesn’t include the cost of preparing to get to court. 

I looked up how much it costs to get a divorce, too, and it is cheaper at $80 for a desk-order divorce (if you do all the paperwork yourself).  That said, it is pretty impossible to do all the paperwork yourself.  Here is a list of steps to getting a divorce in BC.  The main sticking point is the Separation Agreement. Yes – that Separation Agreement. Mine was 149 pages long, and each and every one of those pages described something contentious. Oh, except for the signature page, and there were two pages for signatures. So, 147 pages. It’s no wonder it took us a year to get an agreement and felt like a full-time job (and why I refer to our agreement as the “BEAST).”

This is just a start to what you have to have in your agreement in British Columbia:

You have to agree on the date your relationship started. You’d think this would be easy! But I have had clients arguing about this. In one instance, the woman travelled a lot and had a post office box as her address when she first started dating her spouse. She would stay with her boyfriend when she was in town, but she argued that they weren’t living together yet. In other instances, people forget when they moved in together. Depending on the date the relationship started, there can be financial advantages/disadvantages to each person, so this is why it can lead to arguments.

Conversely, you have to agree when the relationship ends (this is usually more tricky). Some people feel the marriage ended years ago, and some still can’t believe it’s over. Again, there can be significant financial consequences depending on what date is decided upon.

You must figure out how to support your children regarding parenting time and money. This took a big chunk of time. A big chunk. Especially if one of the parties is the primary caregiver pre-separation, there is a lot of work to be done to build the trust necessary to start parenting the kids on an equal basis. There is also a lot of learning to be done. For example, did you know that if you have a fifty-fifty parenting arrangement, one parent may still have to pay child support to the other? I’ve explained that in another blog post.

Then, you have to start separating financial assets and debts. You may discover you have assets you didn’t even know about or debt (which is more often the case). In almost every file I’ve worked on, one person had racked up some debt and hadn’t told their spouse. That usually takes some time to sort out.  I just worked on one file where an asset turned up at the last minute. How does that happen? You’d be surprised. Of course – both parties had different ideas about how to treat that asset.

Essentially, a Separation Agreement is an agreement that details every piece of how your life will be going forward. And you have to make this agreement with someone you probably don’t like. It takes time and a lot of emotional energy because you are usually in a pretty dark place when building it.

So

Wouldn’t it be great if you had to have a marriage agreement before you got married? How dumb is our society that allows people to go off and get married with a $100 license (that you can order online) when they are in the happy, blissful state called love? It’s super dumb. I can’t think of a fancier word to call it right now because my brain is fried trying to help clients figure out the numbers to put in their Separation Agreement. And I get to forget about it every day and go to sleep. They don’t.

Our current system allows anyone to get married, but there are so many rules before you can get divorced, and you have to follow them. If you disagree with them, the courts will make you agree.

What if you made your marriage agreement in that happy, blissful state of being soon-to-be married?

Well, it might save your marriage or you from marrying the wrong person.

It would certainly make your divorce a lot easier.  Ask anyone who has gotten a divorce.  I’m sure all divorced people wish they had made a Marriage Agreement. They are convinced, but what is that called? “Preaching to the converted.”

How do we get the word out to those uninitiated to the Divorce Club? Those happy, blissful people who want to get married?

I don’t know. I only ever see the aftermath of those without a marriage agreement. How about you? Can you help spread the word?

Retirement and the Future Fear Focus it Creates

by | Mar 2, 2016 | Finances

photo-1445515277243-2728fc391ecaI recently met someone who has the following strategy. He works on a contract basis for six months and makes good money. He pays off the debt he accumulated when he wasn’t working and then he quits and gradually builds up debt until it gets to be unsustainable and then he goes and works again.

His money strategy makes me a little nervous. Ok, it makes me a lot nervous  He’s still fairly young, but I can’t help but wonder what will happen when he gets to a point where he doesn’t have the energy to do these intensive spurts of work. Not to mention, what if something happens to him and he can’t work or he can’t just pick up and find well paid work? Yes, I have a worry gene. This person does not appear to. I wonder if it will kick in for him and what age that will happen if it does?

He argues he likes to live life as it comes and he certainly is living in the “Now” which is a popular thing to try to do these days.

On the flip side, he clearly sees work as only a source of funds and does not appear to get any other value out of his contract jobs.  He puts in his time to make money and then gets out as quick as he can. I wonder how he perceives those six months when he is working flat out. I bet it is a bit of a struggle for him and that those six months feel a bit like a jail sentence.

I am also curious as to what will happen as he get closer and closer to retirement age.  Will he panic? Will he live in denial and just keep doing what he is doing?

Generally, as people get older they seem to get more anxious about retirement. I’ve noticed that most people tend to have a negative outlook towards retirement. Especially those that do not have any savings. I have not met too many people that imagine the wonderful life that they will be living when they retire. Instead they seem to think that they will not have enough money to maintain a comfortable standard of living.

And, instead of investigating what they need to do to maintain a comfortable standard of living in retirement, they worry. Worrying does not provide more clarity about retirement. Worrying may feel like you’re doing something, but you’re not really. You’re just sacrificing your current happiness to the worry about some uncertain future.

These fears of the future are powerful and can leave you feeling trapped. They can make your life take on a terrible hue. Instead of enjoying your present life, you are living somewhere in an unhappy future. They can also lead you to make decisions that are not the best for you.

For example, you may take on work that you are not suited for. This may be sustainable in the short term, but what if you have to keep working at this type of work after retirement age because you didn’t save quite enough money? This is what my client appears to be doing. He will continue to work these six month contracts for money and money only. What if he found something he enjoyed doing and decided he didn’t want to stop after six months? What if he enjoyed it so much, he wanted it in his life after he retires?

Here’s another decision people often make. They use their home as their retirement plan. They build a life and community in a neighbourhood and then completely change their lives when they sell their home and move somewhere cheaper. This may work for some, but as we get older, we lose some ability to make big changes. It is hard to pick up and start over completely somewhere new when you’ve already had one big change (retirement).

What if instead of procrastinating the planning or living in denial, you started thinking about your retirement right now and you thought about it with hope?

These are the steps I would take:

  1. I would assess what my financial standing is today.
  2. I would assess the amount of cash inflows I need as of today to cover my cash outflows as of today.
  3. Then I would look to what is missing in my life and what is going well in my life.
  4. I would think about what I still want in my future life and then I would project what my cash inflows and outflows will be when I am older and not able to work as much.
  5. I will project how much money I will have when that day comes and if it is not enough, I will try to find a source of extra funds or I will figure out what can go now and cut my spending.
  6. My new sources of cash inflows will tie into what I need in my life. I will try to find work that I enjoy and can sustain and I will get rid of spending that does not contribute to my well being.

I will start doing this self reflection at least once a year and try to bring sustainability to my life. I don’t want the type of retirement where I quit everything I have been building cold turkey. I am building a life that I want to enjoy while I’m living it. Why would I suddenly change everything when I retire?  You may be surprised that there are certain parts of work that you actually need in your life: connection to others, contributing to society, personal growth and yes, of course money.

There are people out there that are already doing this. In fact, it seems many people do this. My grandparents continued to work into their 80s because they loved it. Aren’t those the people that you know that seem to live forever?

So what can you do if you are getting older and you are starting to worry about retirement?

Start looking at your life now. What can you start doing that has potential cash inflows for a long time? What can you get rid of that you don’t really need that is costing you money?

Then you can stop worrying about how horrible your life is going to be and you can start planning how you want your life to look.

It is never too late to do this.

 

 

The Stories We Tell Ourselves About Money. Part 2: I Don’t Deserve It

by | Feb 16, 2016 | Finances

photo-1422189668989-08f214d6e419I am curious about the stories people tell themselves about money. I have been gaining self-awareness about how my stories have majorly impacted my life and so I was interested to learn if other’s stories have had the same impact on their own lives.

A friend kindly offered to share her story with me. She already knew she had “issues” around money and so was happy to explore this idea with me.

She recently came to understand that she has a deep seated belief that she does not deserve to have money. She joked around about it and said “as what we believe tends to come true, is it any wonder that I feel like I don’t have money and never will?” She has been pushing money away her entire life.

So how did she get to the point where she believes she does not deserve money?

Well, as in many of our lives, she inherited the seedling for her belief from her parents and her life experience further solidified it in her psyche.

She grew up in a small town with the following story:

As a girl she was told that she needed to find someone to take care of her, she was not allowed to be driven as that is not considered ladylike. Women that go after money are mean and hard and that is not the type of girl to be.

She was abused as a child and so therefore learned to try to make herself small so as not to be abused again. She learned to stay out of the way and keep quiet. The abuse led to other thoughts that she was a bad person and undeserving. In her words, she was dirty, unworthy, had no value and was stupid.

At the same time, she learned that it was important to put others first and to be grateful. Christian charity was drilled into her every week at church. You must feed and clothe others before yourself and simply be grateful for what you have as it is more than many others.

All this experience made her feel like she was at the bottom of the list of deserving people.

What did all these thoughts do to her spending habits and money patterns?

She believed money belonged to other people, but not her.

She believed that she was never good enough. There was always one more thing she needed to learn or become to command the salary or wages that she was entitled to.

This story she was telling herself created layer upon layer between herself and elusive money.

She learned to tell people – “you don’t need to pay me for that (I don’t deserve it)  – I’ll do it for free.

At the same time, whenever she got into a relationship she gave up all control over the finances as that is what she had learned. She was to be taken care of. So any money that she had saved while she was single, she ended up spending once she was in a relationship. As she described it: it trickled through her fingers and disappeared.

So what happened to help her get out from under this heavy story?

In her words:
“Actually, what I did was was take a good look at the “story” and examined it and then rewrote the story for myself with help from a coach. We rarely if ever think about our thinking… the thoughts that were there whether loud and clear or a whisper.  I removed them and replaced them and on a daily basis I work at keeping my thoughts right…”

I know this about her – she is battling her money story and she is winning.