What do you say when someone tells you they’ve separated? I’ve started to think I should say ‘Congratulations,’ when someone tells me that they are separated or divorced, but I have not been able to do this yet. I still say “I’m sorry.” And why is that? Because I’ve been through a separation and I know how painful it is.

What would have I done if someone had congratulated me? Well, a lot of people tried to do this in their way. Many friends and family told me I would be better off, I was going to be happier, it would get more comfortable, etc., but I didn’t believe them. What did they know? They hadn’t lived it. They were all still hanging onto their marriages, good and bad. I mentally argued with them and twisted reality to prove to myself that they were wrong, that separation is horrendous and soul-destroying.

The ones who are divorced all looked on in commiseration and said “yes, it is hard and it takes at least two years (sometimes three) to get over it. I remember one particular man told me that he was really fortunate because at least he had his job, the one thing that didn’t change in his life, while he spent his two years getting back to some semblance of hope. All I could think was “great, I’m getting divorced, and my job is gone.” I was a stay-at-home mom, pre-divorce. When my divorce process started, others told me I would have to give that up and get a new ‘paying’ job.

I spent a year in misery and pain. Ok, a year and two months. Then I hit a point where I thought to myself: “I do not want to feel this way anymore.”

I was depressed

The thoughts that kept running through my head: “I have been a good person, followed all the rules, been responsible, done everything as expected … and my life is still a disaster.”

This realisation that everything that had come before had led me to this point made me decide I had to find a different way. I had nothing to lose anymore. I was in so much pain, that even if something catastrophic were to happen, I believed that I could not feel worse.

Oddly enough, this thought was motivating to me. I got to start from a blank slate. Nothing I do going forward can make me feel any worse. Therefore, I can try all sorts of things that I would never have tried before. There was nowhere else for me to go but up from this situation.

Finding my new way

It’s work and challenging, and at the same time, it is hopeful. I now think of the Divorce as my new beginning, that kick in the pants I needed to live a life that is designed by me and not dictated by others. So now, when I tell people that I am newly divorced, I remind them to congratulate me.