Single Mom with Teenagers

by | Nov 19, 2023 | Resources

There have been memes regarding teenagers before the word “meme” existed. 

The one that I recall seeing on little plaques in bookstores and novelty shops: 

“Teenage grandkids are every grandparent’s secret revenge on their own teenagers.”

I don’t think my parents need revenge against me; I was a saint.

So, it’s not karma that has turned me into a single mom to two teenage boys; it’s just how my life turned out. And while being a single parent was never my life’s aspiration, I wouldn’t have it any other way as I love my kids, and I know my co-parent and I are happier apart. 

But I can help prevent people from succumbing to the same fate or reassure them that they are not alone. 

It is never easy to be a single parent, even if it’s a part-time single parent with a co-parent. Of course, parenting is usually more manageable if you have a co-parent. I often console myself by reminding myself that at least my teenagers’ dad is working with me to provide consistent parenting to my teenagers, or the gruesome twosome, as I sometimes think of them. 

If you are contemplating separation and think you are better off being a 100% on-duty parent, consider it more. 

When I separated, I wanted primary custody of my kids. I thought I was a better parent (I had been the stay-at-home parent for most of their lives). I had a lot of practice in morning routines, bedtime routines, arranging playdates, meal preparation and all other required caregiving duties involved in raising children. I even learned to anticipate the arsenic hour (you know the arsenic hour – between 4 and 6 pm when your children turn into Frankenstein, a werewolf and demon rolled into one?). 

My co-parent was, frankly, useless regarding the typical caregiving duties. My kids would go off to his house and return to mine wearing each other’s clothes. “Uh, Ellis, did you notice you are wearing Rowan’s pants?” Ellis’s pants went to mid-shin. My co-parent promised to arrange our eldest’s birthday for two years before it happened. And when it did, it was because I wrestled it back from him and did it at my place. My seven-year-old had his sleepover when he was nine. My co-parent managed to feed my kids, but I know it consisted mainly of take-out. I’m pretty confident my children only bathed at my house for many years. I typically bought their clothes, arranged doctor’s and dentist’s appointments, and arranged everything related to school (including ensuring they got into a choice program in both elementary and high school). Sorry if you are reading this co-parent, but it’s true. You can argue that I wasn’t very good at making money – also true. It’s a good thing I’m good at managing money!

But, because my co-parent and I shared parenting, I had opportunities to learn how to make money, and my co-parent had opportunities to practice being a better caregiver.

The other life skills I wasn’t very good at were playing and finding joy. I’d forgotten how because I thought it was up to me to carry my kids through life, and there was no time for play.

But I also had a chance to find joy in life again.

I had breaks from parenting, which we all know is primarily unrewarding grunt work. Of course, parenting can also be extremely rewarding. My children’s sweet, angelic faces may have carried me through the tough times (not during the arsenic hour), but once they hit teenagerhood, the rewarding moments seemingly take a hiatus. I’m told they return when your children turn twenty-five, maybe thirty for boys. 

So, as my youngest ticked over the magic threshold into becoming a teenager, I thank my lucky stars every day that my co-parent and I have had enough time to learn how to be better co-parents together. My co-parent is still not quite at the same level as me in the caregiving roles. I’m still not quite at the same level as my co-parent at making money. (What they say is true about women taking a break from the workforce to raise children and the various reasons women earn less than men). But my co-parent and I are exponentially better at our new roles than if I had taken full custody of our kids. 

Teenagers can be brutal to live with as a single parent.

I am still spending many of my waking hours looking after their every need (it’s hard to break years of ingrained habits, and I’m required to feed them, right?), and they now spend their waking hours dodging me. When my children do deign to hang out with me, it’s usually to mock or argue with me. I understand why they are like this. I know that teenagers are going through significant physiological changes – their brains are shedding, their hormones are raging, and they live in a stressful world where they spend a good chunk of their day at what they perceive as a jail. 

I know all this and understand- I empathize with my kids. 

But despite understanding and empathizing with my kids, sharing a space with two very unpleasant people for hours and being one of me against two of them is very hard. Did I already say that? I can’t emphasize it enough. Two horrendous teenagers are being mean to me, and no one else in my home can commiserate with me or remind me that I’m not crazy. 

So, why am I telling you all this? A few reasons.

  • If you plan to have children, ask yourself if your planned co-parent is the partner with whom you want to raise children. And I know we all think they are, only to change our minds after the children are born. So, do some parenting courses and design a contract about who does what when the children arrive before the children arrive. Plan the logistics before you have kids instead of having to do it when you separate, and the separation conflict prevents you from creating a parenting plan. 
  • If separating with kids, before deciding that your ex-spouse would make a useless parent and you had better take it all on, think again. I thought my co-parent would never be able to raise our kids as I could, and I was right. My co-parent has different strengths than me, and our kids have benefitted from our combined strengths, and we have both grown and improved in areas where we had weaknesses. (Caveat: if your spouse and future co-parent are abusive, you may have to be the sole caregiver. If you feel your spouse is abusing you or your children, please seek help for this first). 
  • Separate mindfully and try to separate when your kids are tweens and teenagers only if you and your spouse are on the same parenting page and mutually agree that your family will be better off if you separate. Yes, it’s okay to separate when your children are teenagers if you are consciously uncoupling (either by having a kitchen table, collaborative or mediated divorce). But be aware that high-conflict separations are a disaster for teenage development. And last but not least: 
  • Take care of yourself, take time for yourself, and find some friends to support you when your children become teenagers. My current strategy is to leave the house – they love it, and I love it! Of course, I put house protection in place before leaving. I go outside, sometimes just for a bike ride or a walk. I call my other “mom” friends, who remind me that I’m not crazy. And if you haven’t found “mom” friends yet, don’t worry; they aren’t hard to find. You can often spot them taking solo walks around the neighbourhood, muttering to themselves or looking like they are walking off an argument. Smile at them, say a kind word, and you have likely just found your first “mom” friend. 

This is Mine

by | Aug 15, 2017 | Divorce, Parenting

This is Kitty

And this is Kitty out enjoying nature. 

“Uh – looks like fireman Lego with a Darth Vader Lego cape and falling-off headphones.”

That’s what you think. Oh, how wrong you are.

Kitty (Kitty is the combination of Lego man and the cat – the unit is called Kitty) caused much conflict in our household last week.

I was dutifully cleaning up the dishes when I started to hear screaming coming from the area my kids had disappeared to (they always make themselves scarce when there is work to be done but someday soon they will be trained on dinner dishes).

I went to investigate, and as I got closer, the screaming became clearer.

“You’re an idiot!”

“No, you are!”

“Get out of my room – you’re always taking my stuff.”

“Kitty’s mine! Give it back!”

As I rounded the corner, my youngest hurtled by clutching something in his hand. I reached out to grab him.

“What’s going on?”

I then proceeded to get a stereo synopsis of the current situation. The kids were fighting over Kitty.

I yelled STOP, and I asked to hold onto Kitty while we figured things out.

The yelling continued, and so I yelled STOP again.

I called a time-out and said, “Ok – we need to all calm down, and then in 10 minutes, we can discuss what is going on here, but we all need to get to a point to where we can talk and not yell. I can’t help you two figure out anything while you yell.”

So my kids went to their respective corners (not easily done).  When my eldest is ramped up emotionally, he needs ten minutes by himself in his room  – actually, he needs 24 hours, but we’re working on 10 minutes so he doesn’t lose an entire day. My youngest, on the other hand, gets 30 seconds of screaming his head off, all the while stomping and slamming doors. 30 seconds. Let me tell you, that’s fun, but it’s what we have to work with. It used to be 3 minutes, but we are whittling it down.

So – the kids had their time outs and I used that time to strategize and breathe before I had to become momma mediator.

Not enough time.

I went back, and we started to discuss what to do. Both kids wanted to play with Kitty. Both kids were convinced Kitty was theirs. So, first, we explored that scenario.

“How do we prove who Kitty belongs to?” I asked.

They started arguing over the set that Kitty must have come from. A fireman set? Seemed reasonable to me. Then they started arguing over which kid had gotten the fireman set. They tried to get me to be the deciding vote, but honestly, I could not remember. I did the analytical thing – well, you – “oldest child,” did not like firetrucks – you liked Sponge Bob, so in theory, it is more likely from a set belonging to “youngest child.” This led to much protesting by the older child, who explained that various bits had come from multiple sets he had creatively put together.

Hmm – still stuck. They then dragged out every Lego manual to determine where each piece had come from. We did this for a while until my oldest remembered he had taken many of the manuals to his dad’s.

All during this time, I was trying to help them think of solutions alternative to the “this is mine and therefore not yours.” solution.

We explored all the bits Lego Man was made of – could we find others that would be equivalent? Apparently not, and there was only one cat.

Could they take turns using Kitty?

Clearly not.

So then I tried to get each to see the other person’s point of view. I asked my oldest to explain what Kitty meant to him.

He started to explain the inspiration behind the creation of Kitty – he explained how he picked each piece and why they are a unit (I’ve since forgotten, but at the time, I could tell that my oldest felt massive pride in his creation).

As my eldest explained, my youngest rolled his eyes and made huffing and puffing sounds. I asked him to stop and listen. He would get a turn, too.

He did get his turn.  He repeated what his older brother said. He had created it for very similar reasons.  (As an aside, he loves his older brother and wants to be just like him).

I do believe my oldest created it but I also have a very non-self-aware youngest who honestly believes he made it.

After hearing the reasons why Kitty meant so much,  I wanted both kids to be able to play with Kitty.  But they were still entrenched in their positional stances. I had hoped that after hearing each other out on what Kitty meant to each of them, they would figure out a way to either recreate Kitty in duplicate form or agree to share Kitty or even say, “ok, you can have Kitty – I can see Kitty means more to you…”), but no such luck. They were still stuck, and I had run out of ideas to help them.

I had to pull out the momma judge card.

“Well, it looks like we must have a custody arrangement for Kitty. I will hold onto Kitty overnight while I think about who gets to play with Kitty for the first play shift.”

And I’ve had Kitty ever since. He has been living in my car and riding around with me. I’ve become quite attached.

This is Uncomfortable

This is Uncomfortable

by | Feb 3, 2017 | Finances

This is Uncomfortable

Lately, I’ve been thinking about procrastination. Why? Well, I haven’t blogged in a while, and so I’ve been thinking about why this is so. I think I love blogging, but my posting record does not bear this out. My friend and coach raises an eyebrow when I start making all these excuses about why I haven’t blogged. My latest reason is “I’m so busy.”  That is the common justification that I hear again and again from people when something doesn’t happen that was expected to happen. “Busy.” I have joined the busy club (I’m secretly a bit happy about this as I felt like I social outcast when I wasn’t “busy”, but that is another post for another day). The funny thing is, despite how busy I am, I am still powering through a lot of TV shows on Netflix.  So that busy excuse is not true – it appears I procrastinate when it comes to blogging.

So, I do have time to blog. I could do it at night instead of watching the latest episode or Rake (my current addiction). Blogging recharges me, but it is still not happening. Nope – how many weeks has it been? Afraid to look.fgvxxvxmti8-andrew-neel

Why now? I have finally reached the point of discomfort where I have to blog. Yes, being uncomfortable or forced to do something appears to be the only way I’ll do something that is not part of my regular routine or habit.

So I let myself get to the point of discomfort before doing something that I like, and I know is of benefit to me.

Are you the same as me? Do you only start doing something that is good for you when you are forced to or when you get to such a point of discomfort that it is more painful not to do it?

Where do you procrastinate? Exercise? Eating well? Taxes? (I see that last one a lot – please don’t do that to your poor accountant if you have one).

Do you procrastinate when it comes to your finances?

Or more specifically, do you procrastinate on preparing a personal budget (or spending plans as some of us financial people call them because the word “BUDGET” sends some people running in the other direction)?  Spending plan sounds hopeful, and it has the word ‘spending’ in it which some people are attracted to (often the people who don’t like the word budget).

I have been helping quite a few people with their spending plans these days and is part of the reason I’m so busy!

Is the general population suddenly realizing that their financial health is essential and getting proactive? Is that why I’m seeing more people about spending plans?

Nope, I cannot think of any client of mine that has come to me because everything is fantastic in their life and they want to be proactive about their financial health.

The people I am helping are only seeking me out because they have reached the point of discomfort in their lives where it’s harder not to start looking at their spending.

I imagine this is how personal trainers feel. I’m sure many of us finally hit the gym when we get on the scale and realize neither it nor the mirror are lying. Guilty as charged.

So I have been helping more and more people with spending plans.  What I have noticed is that everyone (ok, almost everyone) says – “well, that was pretty simple and straight forward once I started.”

The other thing they say to me is “I feel better – lighter somehow.”

After I’ve gone through a spending plan with someone, I notice that they seem calmer, more relaxed.

So with that in mind, I decided to focus on that observation when attempting to do a blog post today.

And do you know what? That heavy weight I’ve been carrying for the past few weeks is suddenly gone. I do feel lighter.

So now I’m going to challenge you to start looking at your personal finances before it gets uncomfortable and you are forced to do so.

But I realize I can’t just leave you to that with no way to start, so I’m going to tell you something else I learned from a good friend this past week. She has recently lost a lot of weight and has gotten healthy by completely cutting out sugar and dairy from her diet (yeah – that’s not going to happen for me). How did she do this? She started small and changed her eating habits gradually. She cut milk from her coffee first and has spent the past year doing one slight modification to her diet every other week.

So – if you have never done a spending plan for yourself, I’m going to ask you to start small. I want you to see how much you spend on lunch this coming two weeks.  I want you to make an envelope labelled “lunch” and keep it with you for two weeks. I want you to put all your lunch receipts in there (including grocery receipts that have lunch items on them). At the end of the two weeks, add up what you spent on lunch.

Then I want you to do dinner after you’ve finished lunch.

(I know – easy right – budgeting couldn’t be that easy could it?)

Then, you get to choose what you keep track of.

Go get that envelope right now. I challenge you.

Now I’m going to challenge myself.

Because while I was not blogging, my brain wouldn’t let me stop thinking about it and everything that crossed my path became a potential topic. This made it harder for me to start again because I couldn’t make up my mind!

Look for these exciting topics in the coming weeks:

  1. The Divorce Process sucks, why it sucks and how you can do it better.
  2. Living Apart Together (as related to finances)
  3. Agreeing to shared parenting with your Ex and why it’s an excellent choice
  4. More on procrastination because it is tax season
  5. Dating as a single parent (as related to finances – because you know, my clients are not putting it in their budgets but is that realistic? I will discuss)
  6. Being busy

Why Get a marriage Agreement?

by | Dec 14, 2016 | Divorce

a1fmxesw31g-freestocks-orgIt is pretty darn easy to get married. All you need is a license; it only costs $100! Of course, some people have fancy weddings, and yes, they take a lot to organize and can be costly. But you get a choice in doing that.

You don’t get the same choice when you are getting a divorce. It only takes one person to decide that they want out of a marriage. Not so with marriage – you both have to say, “I do.” In divorce, one person can file a claim for a divorce. If the other spouse does not deal with it, it goes to the court, and the judge decides. The court does not always make the best decisions regarding families, so I highly recommend that you try to work it out with your soon-to-be ex-spouse before it gets to the courts.  Court is darn expensive, too – about $ 5,000 a day. That doesn’t include the cost of preparing to get to court. 

I looked up how much it costs to get a divorce, too, and it is cheaper at $80 for a desk-order divorce (if you do all the paperwork yourself).  That said, it is pretty impossible to do all the paperwork yourself.  Here is a list of steps to getting a divorce in BC.  The main sticking point is the Separation Agreement. Yes – that Separation Agreement. Mine was 149 pages long, and each and every one of those pages described something contentious. Oh, except for the signature page, and there were two pages for signatures. So, 147 pages. It’s no wonder it took us a year to get an agreement and felt like a full-time job (and why I refer to our agreement as the “BEAST).”

This is just a start to what you have to have in your agreement in British Columbia:

You have to agree on the date your relationship started. You’d think this would be easy! But I have had clients arguing about this. In one instance, the woman travelled a lot and had a post office box as her address when she first started dating her spouse. She would stay with her boyfriend when she was in town, but she argued that they weren’t living together yet. In other instances, people forget when they moved in together. Depending on the date the relationship started, there can be financial advantages/disadvantages to each person, so this is why it can lead to arguments.

Conversely, you have to agree when the relationship ends (this is usually more tricky). Some people feel the marriage ended years ago, and some still can’t believe it’s over. Again, there can be significant financial consequences depending on what date is decided upon.

You must figure out how to support your children regarding parenting time and money. This took a big chunk of time. A big chunk. Especially if one of the parties is the primary caregiver pre-separation, there is a lot of work to be done to build the trust necessary to start parenting the kids on an equal basis. There is also a lot of learning to be done. For example, did you know that if you have a fifty-fifty parenting arrangement, one parent may still have to pay child support to the other? I’ve explained that in another blog post.

Then, you have to start separating financial assets and debts. You may discover you have assets you didn’t even know about or debt (which is more often the case). In almost every file I’ve worked on, one person had racked up some debt and hadn’t told their spouse. That usually takes some time to sort out.  I just worked on one file where an asset turned up at the last minute. How does that happen? You’d be surprised. Of course – both parties had different ideas about how to treat that asset.

Essentially, a Separation Agreement is an agreement that details every piece of how your life will be going forward. And you have to make this agreement with someone you probably don’t like. It takes time and a lot of emotional energy because you are usually in a pretty dark place when building it.

So

Wouldn’t it be great if you had to have a marriage agreement before you got married? How dumb is our society that allows people to go off and get married with a $100 license (that you can order online) when they are in the happy, blissful state called love? It’s super dumb. I can’t think of a fancier word to call it right now because my brain is fried trying to help clients figure out the numbers to put in their Separation Agreement. And I get to forget about it every day and go to sleep. They don’t.

Our current system allows anyone to get married, but there are so many rules before you can get divorced, and you have to follow them. If you disagree with them, the courts will make you agree.

What if you made your marriage agreement in that happy, blissful state of being soon-to-be married?

Well, it might save your marriage or you from marrying the wrong person.

It would certainly make your divorce a lot easier.  Ask anyone who has gotten a divorce.  I’m sure all divorced people wish they had made a Marriage Agreement. They are convinced, but what is that called? “Preaching to the converted.”

How do we get the word out to those uninitiated to the Divorce Club? Those happy, blissful people who want to get married?

I don’t know. I only ever see the aftermath of those without a marriage agreement. How about you? Can you help spread the word?

Collaboration

by | Oct 31, 2016 | Divorce, Finances

01-01-birch glow

I don’t know where to start with this blog post but I know the outcome I want. I know what I need to say but I’m not sure how it is going to look when I finally do say it. I am relying on my values and my life experiences to be pulled forth from me by the exploratory writing process to come up with a blog post that reflects what I want to say.

This is how collaboration works.

Collaboration is a multi-step process but a large part of it is exploration.

We as individuals are like icebergs. A tiny part of us is shown to the world, but the underlying support and essence of us is as big as the part of the iceberg that sits under the water. A huge life of experiences and values shapes the way each person responds in each situation in life.

The parts of us of that are underwater are hidden – no one else sees them and yet they are the parts of our being that drive the way we do things. Other people only see what is on the surface and make assumptions about how we work and how we respond in situations. We get into conflict with each other because we don’t see the values and life experiences that are hiding beneath the surface.

So to deal with conflict, we each need to explore what is under the surface for both ourselves and the other person we are conflict with.

As you each gain understanding of yourself and of the other person involved in the conflict, ways of moving forward start to become apparent. Solutions become clear and easily implemented because both parties to the conflict now buy into the solution.

What is amazing about collaboration is that it is a process that can be learned and it is a process that works.

The not so amazing part of collaboration is that most of us are not trained to be collaborative (despite me telling everyone that they need to take this course) when dealing with others in life and usually when you get to the point where you are required to use it, you are too emotional to do so. It is challenging to do something that is so completely different from what you have learned in life. It is doubly hard when you are already in the midst of emotional conflict.

So what do most of us do? We revert to the way we have been trained in life do deal with conflict. Now let me be clear when I say trained. I am not saying that someone specifically trained you, but I am saying your personality combined with your life experiences turned you into the person you are (your style of conflict is part of the iceberg that is hiding beneath the surface).

In situations of conflict, some people are trained to be bullies and always win. Some people are trained to be avoiders. Some are trained to capitulate and be accommodating at all costs. What is your style of conflict?

I was trained to always capitulate (after I had first avoided the conflict). Many of us have two styles of conflict. I use avoidance to stay away from conflict and then when it didn’t go away and the situation becomes more stressful,  I capitulate. Despite knowing this about myself and despite knowing that this does not work, I still naturally revert to this way of dealing with conflict in life.

So knowing this, I have set up some systems in my life so I am forced to be collaborative.

Systems are good (says the accountant).

Because life seems to be a series of conflicts and I seem to revert to my old style of dealing with conflict. I got reminded of this AGAIN this past weekend.

On Friday, conflict turned up in my life (yes again).

Someone asked me a favour.

Now – I never respond right away to certain requests and this was a pretty big one so I said I needed time to think about it. This is the first step in the system I have put in place for myself:

  • Never give an answer right away.

Give yourself time to think. Despite thinking you are cool calm and rational and have let go of all your issues, you have not (unless you are Deepak Chopra).

Because did I ever want to give an answer. It seemed so clear. The request flew in the face of a resolution I had recently made for myself. So while I said I needed time, I thought I knew my answer would be no. Yeah – I knew it. I felt calm and clear. But I still said I needed time because I have surprised myself before.

Then, I did something that goes against my rules of the collaborative process. I started to poll other people for their opinions in the matter. Because I thought they would agree with me (hah). This leads to step 2:

  • Do not poll people that are not involved in the conflict.

(I have not learned this one yet  – seriously – it’s one of my rules, but I broke it! See what happens when you are emotional? Revert revert revert).

What did I get when I did this? I got the underlying beliefs and values of my friends and family. They did not jibe with what I believed for many reasons  – and that would involve an entirely new collaborative process for me to understand why they were telling me what they were. So all I got from this was guilt and confusion.  One thing of interest was that opinions divided clearly along gender lines. The women lent towards capitulation. The men told me to do what would make me happy. Interesting…

So now that I was confused from my polling, I spent Sunday morning testing how each answer felt. Yes, I’m trying to be less analytical and go with my intuition. So I tested how saying yes felt (crappy) and how saying no felt (equally crappy).

This leads to step 3:

  • When you start to cry, scream, get grumpy and become a nasty person it’s time to stop thinking about the conflict and take a break. 

So I took a break. I rode my bike. That should be a rule too. Go ride your bike. OK, I’m kidding, but find something to do that you enjoy that will take your mind off the conflict. I know there are a lot of you out there that want to get the conflict resolved and this step seems indulgent, but it is essential. I will say it again, it is essential. Because most of us have been trained to think enjoying ourselves is bad. Especially when there is work to be done.

When my break was done, I felt good again. The light bulb went off (again). This leads to the next step:

  • Get back to the collaborative process when you’ve fallen off and reverted to your old style of dealing with conflict. 

So this morning I woke up and sent an email to the person that had asked me the favour.  I requested another meeting because there is no clear answer to resolve this new conflict I find myself in. We need to do more exploration around the underlying issues that are leading to the request. I need to understand what is going on with the other person involved and he also needs to understand what is going on with me. I know when we get to that point we will find a solution that will be clear and work for both of us.

Now I await an answer for when we can meet. Now – this part is tricky. What if the other person does not want to collaborate? Well, it appears you have a new conflict on your hands and the only thing to do in this case is explore why they do not want to use collaboration. Now you have two conflicts to resolve using collaboration. All I can say is… more practice. Woo hoo!

Because I don’t know how the final outcome of my most recent conflict is going to turn out, I’m going to have to make some assumptions. I am going to assume that I am going to meet with the person I am in conflict with and we are going to work collaboratively until new and ingenious ways of solving the issue at hand become apparent.

This leads to the final step:

  • Implement your solution to the conflict…

and test it by living your life. Next thing you know, another conflict situation will happen along and you will get to try it all over again.

I think I have spent enough time on this post. It feels right now. The collaborative process (me and my blog often get into conflict) has worked again!