My ex sent me a doozy of an attack email the other day. He sent it on Monday and it is now Wednesday.  It was a good reminder to me of what I’ve learned this past year and the havoc these types of emails cause.  I really have to thank him for it because he is giving me the inspiration to write blog posts that can potentially help others, in addition to giving me a chance to test my theories on communication.

Let me start with what the email did to me because despite all my work this past year on myself, I still take what he says in and I still have to work his words through my processing system before they become inert and no longer provoke an emotional response.  I am writing this to help those people that are tempted to send off a good zinger of an attack email. If you understand what it does to the person on the receiving end, then perhaps it will stop you from doing it. It helps stop me.  Here is how I process an attack email:

The first thing that happens is that I don’t really want to read the email when I see it in my inbox.  The one I got on Monday was 14 paragraphs and 770 words, so I instinctively knew it was not going to be good.

I do a quick speed read for offensive or attack words – in this case there were quite a few.

I try to pick out the important information while avoiding the attacks and barbs and I reply what is needed while resisting the urge to attack back.

I do a little happy dance and pat myself on the back for being so strong and for not engaging any more. Wow – my work this year has really paid off. (Imagine what would have happened if I hadn’t done all this personal work.  I would have sent an attack back and the conflict would last a good week…based on my experience).

Then I try to get on with what I was doing before I got the attack email. In this case, I was working from home at my desk.  Oh darn, billable hours got impacted. My day had a little cloud inserted that now I have to deal with.

I realize I need to do some stuff so I can go back to concentrating on my work.

I journal. I go back and re-read the email. I break it down and see how it fits the pattern and analyse it.

I contemplate calling my friend, but I don’t. I know that doesn’t work (see my blog on ranting).

I think what a complete idiot my ex is.

I contemplate how to get even.  I resist getting even.

I scrub my porch.

I go for a walk.

I go to bed.

Hey! On Tuesday I’m better and work productively all day.

On Wednesday I start thinking about it again.  I feel pretty good about it. Should I follow up with my ex and go through what happened to prevent it from happening again?

Nah – I’ll write this blog post instead.

and then I’ll write this one.