Money and Divorce

Money and Divorce

by | Feb 6, 2018 | Divorce

A few months ago, I was at a presentation about money. It was not a presentation about new tax rules or how to invest, it was about how hard it is to talk about money.

“I know that!” I thought to myself — A+ for me.

Why is talking about money so hard?

Well, that night of the presentation, we were all asked what money meant to each of us. Answers varied, but I knew what mine was.

For me, there is a strong link between money and my feelings of self-worth.

I think this undercurrent drives our society.

When I was negotiating my divorce, I felt like I had no voice and no value because I was not earning any income as a stay-at-home mom. Every meeting with divorce coaches and lawyers was torturous because I did not feel heard. At the time I was lost, I did not know why I did the things I did, what value I brought to the family. I believed that everyone was listening to my co-parent as he held all the power because he earned all the income. They were listening to him because he had more value because he made more money. I truly believed this and had for my entire life. In fact, it is a belief that still lurks beneath the surface in me and as stated above, I think it lurks beneath the surface of our society.

In fact, I felt like I could not live my life according to my values. I had walked away from my highly paid job as a financial analyst to be a stay-at-home parent and, during our legal meetings, the only thing I kept hearing was: “when is Renée going to go back and get her high paying job back?”

When indeed?

Instead of figuring out what I needed to continue to move forward with my life, I proposed all the plans I would take to do just that; get back to that high paying job. In fact, it was even written into our separation agreement – Renée’s plan for getting her career back – clearly laid out on page 5. Because I wanted that separation agreement. That is what I felt I needed. Once I had that agreement, I would be able to move on with my life. The divorce coaches and lawyers (all collaborative) tried to help me elucidate what I wanted but I didn’t know myself. Being the type-A person that I am was and wanting to save money, I kept driving the separation process forward while burying the emotions that kept trying to pop to the surface. I also did my budgets and figured out how to divide the money. I thought that part was easy.

Since that time, my life has not taken that clear path that I thought it was going to take. It was not simply a matter of making clear, logical choices to get to the end goal.

Getting Clearer

Under the surface, I had a battle against my thoughts about expectations of me and figure out what was going on. It was only once I got a handle on that, that decisions and choices become easier

As I grow my business and work with people and their finances as they negotiate their divorce, I realize that we are all on a similar path. I have yet to meet a client that can easily decide when faced with different financial options. I have yet to meet a client that can clearly articulate their feelings and thoughts around their financial situation.

I am often the first professional newly separated couples contact for help. After all, society has driven home the message that divorce is about dividing the money. So, they contact the financial professional because there are clear rules and ways to divide the money, right? No.

Divorce is a stoplight

When life says, “you are not living your life according to what drives you and, you’ve reached that point where you can go no further on the path that you are currently on.” You can sit at that intersection for quite some time before you figure out how to make that stop-light turn green.

I’m going to help you. Who is the first professional you should see?

Well, this is not going to be the answer that society tells you it should be.

The answer is you need to see a team

You need a financial professional to help you figure out where you stand financially at this moment in life and to also give you information about what your future financial situation could look like depending on which option you choose and decision you make.

You need a mental health professional or coach to help you develop options that are in line with the values that drive you forward in life.

And you need a lawyer to advise you of the legal rules around separation and divorce and who can also document the separation agreement that you are going to use to navigate your new life post-divorce.

Don’t be like the old uninformed me. Don’t use your professional advisors to create a separation agreement that clearly outlines the steps to the life you don’t want post-divorce.

Instead, take it from the new me, a financial and divorce expert. Use the team to help you create the life you want.

Communication – Rules for Life

Communication – Rules for Life

by | Nov 3, 2017 | Divorce

I’m an accountant. Accountants are notoriously bad at communication. There is usually a reason someone chooses to become an accountant and that reason is usually because numbers are so straight-forward. They are clear and concise, easy to line up, sort and deal with. They are usually associated with projects and with decisions that have very clear outcomes. I have stated it before and I will state it again  – I love doing taxes! You get to put numbers in their place, finalize the return and then send it off to the Canada Revenue Agency and you’re done.  And people pay me for that fun!

Oh wait, at least you think you are done, until the Canada Revenue Agency decides it wants to question some of those numbers. Then you start to see how things are not so clear after all. The CRA has a different idea about that dinner meeting you had with a client, those moving costs you claimed, that eligible dependent credit claimed, etc, etc.

It is at the point when you have to start communicating about some of those numbers that you realize that numbers actually are not so straight-forward. In fact, numbers can be very convoluted, confusing and hard to wrangle into place.

I see this everyday – in all aspects of my work with numbers and it’s not surprising I see it the most in my work as a financial neutral in the Collaborative Divorce Process.  I have found since starting this business of mine four years ago, that I work more with communication than with numbers. In fact, it is that part of my work that is the exciting part and where I see the real work is done. But it is hard. Especially for accountants. These numbers are so clear! “Why oh why client of mine do you still have questions and are unable to make a decision?” “And for goodness sake why are you making that decision? It’s illogical!”

And being an accountant and wanting to find a concrete solution I have come to see that they way we communicate with each other impacts everything (overstatement? No, I don’t think so).

And being an accountant and wanting to find a concrete solution I have developed my rules of communication (or let’s just call it rules for life shall we?).

Rule 1 – Know Thyself and Know Thy Financial Situation

So – when starting out all over again after a brutal separation and divorce, I took myself off to Minerva’s Career Kick Start program (now no longer funded – sob). I clearly needed to learn how to write a resume because I had been out of the workforce (stay-at-home-undervalued mom) for five years. There must be a trick to writing a resume and preparing for job interviews that was going to land me a job. Six weeks later, after learning all about the current job situation in Vancouver I went home and wrote my resume. I sent it out with accompanying cover letter here, there and everywhere and heard zip, zero, nada.

What was the problem? Why wasn’t I getting at least a bite, a nibble, anything?

The problem was, I didn’t want any of those jobs. Every time I put a resume in the mail or faxed or emailed one off, I felt sick. I can’t even look at the cover letters I wrote back then they are so painful to read – how could I have written that formulaic drivel? Those letters were so hard to write because I did not want the job and my language conveyed that. It took me hours and I was following a template because I didn’t know myself or know what I wanted to do. I was writing letters the way someone else told me too. It didn’t work. I wasn’t doing it for myself – I was doing it to satisfy the outside pressure I was feeling to get a job because I needed to earn money.

I spent six months waking up in the morning, freaking out about how I had no money coming in (I laid in bed for 30 minutes at least, not wanting to get up) and writing useless cover letters. Every two weeks I got a respite in the form of a coaching call with my life coach.  I was also finding ways to make ends meet financially. I found money to pay my coach after all and I wasn’t destitute yet.  As those six months passed I got to know myself and what was important to me and it was during that time that I realized I needed to start my own business. What? When I was 15 I had worked at a video store. When I was 15, I made a vow to myself that I would never ever have my own business. I had been living my life according to a vow I made to myself when I 15! As I learned about the values that drive me forward, self-employed accountant became an obvious solution to my problems. In fact, as soon as I said that is what I’m going to do, people started calling me to ask for help. I have not looked back.  Of course, I had to know that I could swing it financially and so I had to take a clear look at my financial situation.  I had been looking at my finances with panic filters on but another financial person helped me see that I could dip into my RRSP for a short term, and I would fine. She understood my financial type, she knew I would revert to my saving self again. She helped me see the financial type of person I am. Yes, I would be fine. I could make that decision to start my own business.

Rule 2 – Know the Person You are Communicating With

So the flip side of knowing yourself is knowing the person you are communicating with. This is where it gets tricky (and emotional). Oh those nasty emotions – us accountants don’t like them.  So we need to get to know that person with as little emotional pain as possible. I will continue on with my story so you can get a clear picture.

I had to communicate my decision to start my own business to my co-parent. Now, as much as I wanted to have nothing to do with my co-parent at that point in my life, I  still had to talk to him and tell him what I was doing because he was paying me child support and the amount of his child support payments were dependent on how much I was making. Sigh. So I told him in an email. I think I got an almost instant email back (usually he wouldn’t respond for days). I immediately got defensive and blurted my email back and so it goes until we were in deadlock which lasted for about six months at which point in time he launched his parrying shot and we landed up in court. So I have to skip to rule three now – it would have been good if I had done rule 2 but I didn’t and I inadvertently broke rule 3 (which did eventually got us back to rule 2).

Rule 3 – Set up a Neutral Time and Space to Communicate

So we went to court. It was horrifying. Court is not private. There are all these other people that are having communication problems sitting there in the audience watching and judging you on your communication problems. And then a judge looks at you like you’re both idiots and tells you to go and try and communicate again before he will set a hearing.  It was very stressful and mortifying and not neutral. Here I was standing up to fight my co-parent. All I could think of was the great arguments I was going to make.  I was geared to fight.

The good thing about that is that the judge did give us help in this regard. He didn’t listen to either of us (he just rolled his eyes). He assigned us another judge to act as a mediator as a last ditch effort for us to clear up our communication before going back for a court hearing. So that is what we did – we met this mediator judge in a neutral area (no audience) at a time that we had set up well in advance together so we could both be calm (as possible in this situation).  She was truly neutral and she listened to both of us and forced us to listen to each other and then she sent us for counselling.  So back to Rule 2.

Rule 2 – Know the Person You are Communicating With

We ended up back at counselling. I was desperate to solve this communication problem we were having as it was wreaking havoc with my life.  We had hired a divorce coach recommended by one of my colleagues. We sat there for three hours and we each took turns listening to each other.  That is all we did. The counselor drilled down on everything I said and then asked my co-parent to repeat back what I had said.  Then it was my co-parents turn to speak and I had to repeat back what he said. I kept wanting to interrupt and I was getting so mad and defensive listening to some of the things my co-parent said. I was rolling my eyes, squirming in my chair and almost having a breakdown. This leads me to Rule 4.

Rule 4 – Shut Up and Listen

If you truly want to reach resolution on a conflict that you are having, you have to understand what the conflict is about. I could have shouted all my arguments back at my co-parent but I didn’t even know what he was upset about or what was driving him forward in the path he had chosen to take. So that counselor made me shut up and sit still and then he made me paraphrase what my co-parent was saying. In fact, this counselor just told me what to say because I couldn’t seem to do it. He just said: “Renee, say this back to your co-parent.” So I did.

The thing was, I had gone first and I was sitting there repeating back what my co-parent said, I was also processing the fact that I was feeling better. Just hearing my co-parent repeat back how I was feeling made me feel like he got it.  If he had argued against some of my statements, I would have dug down and looked for more support for my arguments. Instead, I recognized that I felt better. Some of the fight had gone out of me. I felt heard and understood.

As this was all whirling in my head, I was also paraphrasing how my co-parent was feeling. I finished and the counselor said “Renee, how can you help your co-parent with how he is feeling.” and I said “I don’t know what to do, I can’t fix it.” “And you don’t need to.” is all the counselor said.

That one statement took away all the defenses and arguments that I had been building up to fight against my co-parent. I couldn’t change the way he was feeling, and he couldn’t change the way I was feeling, but just having had it acknowledged did something amazing to our communication.  I understood why he was doing what he was doing. It had nothing to do with me.

To be clear – at this step, you need to each take a turn explaining what is important to you or where you are having difficulties. If you find yourself interrupting the other or suddenly saying BUT in your head, realize you have just been triggered. Then realize that you do not have argue against how the other person feels, you just need to acknowledge it. There is nothing you can do to change how a person feels – they need to just feel heard and work through it on their own. Arguing with them, only entrenches their feelings  – they look at ways to justify to the person on the other side and that keeps them trapped in those feelings. Instead, if you can simply repeat back what they are trying to tell you, they will feel heard and perhaps some day will work through those feelings and find ways to let them go.

It’s at this point that you can get to rule 5

Rule 5 – You’re Never Done

So being an accountant, I had hoped that would be the end of it. We’d found a solution – we were done! That day, we resolved the issue that had gotten us to court.  We also had new rules for communication – smooth sailing ahead!

Yah no.

That is the other thing my business and life has taught me.  There are always new issues and numbers to wrangle into place. I’m getting lots of practice though and the flip side is I can support myself and help others do the same.

 

Time

by | Oct 9, 2017 | Divorce

I start new posts all the time.  These posts are usually about time. I say start because I often run out of time and never finish these posts I’ve started.

Actually – my post attempts are getting less and less frequent. Why is that?

I don’t have time to even start posts these days.

I realized this a few months ago but I still don’t want to admit it to myself.

I am admitting it this morning on the tail end of the Canadian Thanksgiving long weekend.

I am visiting my sister and this morning I woke up (post Thanksgiving dinner so no more dinner prep to worry about), got the crew fed and then sat on the couch and stared at my phone. Eventually I got bored of Facebook and so I checked my email. I answered the questions sent by a few clients and found myself wondering what to do next.

My kids seemed to be quiet for the moment (well – one has currently sequestered himself to his foamie as he is mad – but after checking on him I have decided to leave him alone at his request ) and the other is happily playing with his cousin who he now gets all to himself.

I read a few pages of my book and  then I put it down.

Then I just sat there and I started pondering.

“What do you want to do?” I thought to myself.

“I want to help solve the world’s problems.” (I do get some lofty goals sometimes).

“Well, that’s not going to happen (me still talking to myself) but I do want to share my experience with time and how it seems to cure all my problems.”

Just last week my life was out of control. Everything was just too much. I felt like crying most days. I was at the point where I just wanted to do something dramatic to get my life back on track.  That’s my old method of dealing with pain. Doing something dramatic does change things for a while but it doesn’t solve the underlying problem. But it does seem like a quick solution…

In my case, the underlying problem is that I’d taken on a bit too much (sometimes that happens if you want to help cure the world – ha ha).

So instead of doing something dramatic I decided to take some time to figure out what it was that I needed to do. I took some time to build some more time and space into my life.

Instead of trying to finish everything that was on my to do list, I started figuring out ways to postpone what was on my to do list. I did the absolutely essential things I needed to do. I took time to eat well, I also finally caved and went to the grocery store so I could feed my kids as well. I went to bed when my kids went to bed, I emailed clients and clarified what work needed to be done and by when and I started to turn down new work that was coming in and requests from friends to hang out. I finally went to yoga  – I hadn’t been since August 18th.

As I built time into my life and started to see how I could continue to do this going forward my problems seemed to get better.

And as I did all these things I thought back to that most stressful time in my life. That time when I was navigating my separation and divorce. I remember my natural inclination to plow my way through that period of my life to get it done and I remember how that method and approach to separation and divorce did not lead to a very good outcome. I had a divorce but I also had depression.

And then I thought of the people that I am now helping navigate their separation and divorce by helping them glean information about their financial situation. I notice how some clients take their time as they figure out their new life circumstances and how some want it done and want it done now.  Can you guess which clients have a better outcome?

Yes, the ones that take time to build the lives they want. The ones that take time to let emotions settle before subjecting themselves to discussions with their spouse. The ones that take time to take care of themselves so they don’t take take their anger and frustrations out on their children.

I am reminded by clients that taking time and care is how I want to live my life going forward and that I should practice what I preach.

So this Thanksgiving I am grateful for the extra day we get on this long weekend. It was this bonus day that gave me the time I needed to remember to bring time and space back to my life.

Happy Thanksgiving!

There’s Work (and Then There’s the Real Work)

by | Sep 14, 2017 | Divorce, Finances, Parenting

My blog post ideas usually hit me on the head when I’m struggling.

Today’s struggle was getting my kids out the door and to their school. This seems relatively straightforward in theory, and I’ve even developed a checklist for each of my kids to complete in the morning. It’s on the fridge. Here is the list:

  1. wake up – 7:30 am
  2. get dressed
  3. eat breakfast
  4. put dishes in the dishwasher
  5. brush hair
  6. brush teeth
  7. put lunch in your bag
  8. put your water bottle in your bag
  9. put coat on
  10. put shoes on – 8:30 am

I look at that list and think – “we could be out the door in twenty minutes!”

Yet this morning, despite getting up at 6 am, we were still not ready at 8:30 am. In fact, at 8:30 am, I thought, “Are the cops about to knock on the door because my neighbours have called about a potential domestic situation in our house?”

What had gone wrong? Why didn’t my list work? Why hadn’t we gotten to school with success today?

Nothing was wrong with my list. My kids had followed the list, and they are very good at following the list, but there is something major missing from my list.

Then I started thinking about the parallels between my work at home (getting up, getting ready, getting places on time) and my work with clients (which starts with my client filling out a spending plan template and listing property and debt).

My work at home and my client work seem to have very concrete, achievable outcomes, such as being at your desk at school at 9 am and completing a filling in some amounts on a template.

On the surface, both types of work seem straightforward and easy.

I’ve got the “get to school checklist” and “my spending plan template.” Both, in theory, take a set amount of time to complete.

But I am finding that this work is just not taking the amount of time I think it will.  It is taking a lot longer. Plus, there appears to be angst when getting out the door and completing spending plan templates.

Because the real work is not completing the items on the checklist or filling out my spending plan template.

What is the real work?

Well, the work involved in getting my kids to school appears to be keeping my children separate from each other so that they don’t try to kill each other. So this morning, I was thinking up strategies (kids eating in different rooms, kids wearing blindfolds with me escorting them from room to room). But no, no – again, that is not the work.

The work is figuring out what is going on underneath the surface with my kids, which is leading them to find new and ingenious ways to torture each other (both psychologically and physically).

That is the work I need to do with my kids, and I tend to avoid it. It is hard. It involves communicating with their dad and figuring out times to discuss things as a family.  It involves communication with grandparents to help them understand that the discipline that worked for their children does not seem to work for my kids. It involves research, time, and being open to new ways of doing things. It requires enormous effort, time and commitment. Why can’t we follow the checklist (oh why, oh why, oh why)?

Because the checklist does not solve the underlying emotional, relational and communication issues that my family appears to be having.

This leads me to my spending plan template.

If you are working on a spending plan, you are likely at a point of transition and need help figuring out where you are financially to make decisions.

Filling in the template will take about two to three hours. Two hours to gather information and one hour to input the information.

“Oh – that’s easy!”

And yes – it is easy.

But as my kids have thoughtfully demonstrated to me this morning, it is only easy on the surface.

If you are at a point of transition where you require my help, I will ask you something. What is going on with you that will extend the time spent on this spending plan process? And then, I will challenge you to do the work to deal with that before you get to the fun part of filling out the spending plan template.

Why?

Because I want the work I do for you to be successful, I can review your spending plan with you (it’s quick), but there is no point in doing this work if it doesn’t get rid of the angst in your life.

This leads me to my new spiel when describing how long a new job will take.

“This will take three hours if I work in a complete vacuum from the moment I get the information I requested from you.”

” But because working in a vacuum is not reality, it could take anywhere from three hours to never being finished. We will figure it out as we go along, and I will keep you updated as best as I can.”

This is Mine

by | Aug 15, 2017 | Divorce, Parenting

This is Kitty

And this is Kitty out enjoying nature. 

“Uh – looks like fireman Lego with a Darth Vader Lego cape and falling-off headphones.”

That’s what you think. Oh, how wrong you are.

Kitty (Kitty is the combination of Lego man and the cat – the unit is called Kitty) caused much conflict in our household last week.

I was dutifully cleaning up the dishes when I started to hear screaming coming from the area my kids had disappeared to (they always make themselves scarce when there is work to be done but someday soon they will be trained on dinner dishes).

I went to investigate, and as I got closer, the screaming became clearer.

“You’re an idiot!”

“No, you are!”

“Get out of my room – you’re always taking my stuff.”

“Kitty’s mine! Give it back!”

As I rounded the corner, my youngest hurtled by clutching something in his hand. I reached out to grab him.

“What’s going on?”

I then proceeded to get a stereo synopsis of the current situation. The kids were fighting over Kitty.

I yelled STOP, and I asked to hold onto Kitty while we figured things out.

The yelling continued, and so I yelled STOP again.

I called a time-out and said, “Ok – we need to all calm down, and then in 10 minutes, we can discuss what is going on here, but we all need to get to a point to where we can talk and not yell. I can’t help you two figure out anything while you yell.”

So my kids went to their respective corners (not easily done).  When my eldest is ramped up emotionally, he needs ten minutes by himself in his room  – actually, he needs 24 hours, but we’re working on 10 minutes so he doesn’t lose an entire day. My youngest, on the other hand, gets 30 seconds of screaming his head off, all the while stomping and slamming doors. 30 seconds. Let me tell you, that’s fun, but it’s what we have to work with. It used to be 3 minutes, but we are whittling it down.

So – the kids had their time outs and I used that time to strategize and breathe before I had to become momma mediator.

Not enough time.

I went back, and we started to discuss what to do. Both kids wanted to play with Kitty. Both kids were convinced Kitty was theirs. So, first, we explored that scenario.

“How do we prove who Kitty belongs to?” I asked.

They started arguing over the set that Kitty must have come from. A fireman set? Seemed reasonable to me. Then they started arguing over which kid had gotten the fireman set. They tried to get me to be the deciding vote, but honestly, I could not remember. I did the analytical thing – well, you – “oldest child,” did not like firetrucks – you liked Sponge Bob, so in theory, it is more likely from a set belonging to “youngest child.” This led to much protesting by the older child, who explained that various bits had come from multiple sets he had creatively put together.

Hmm – still stuck. They then dragged out every Lego manual to determine where each piece had come from. We did this for a while until my oldest remembered he had taken many of the manuals to his dad’s.

All during this time, I was trying to help them think of solutions alternative to the “this is mine and therefore not yours.” solution.

We explored all the bits Lego Man was made of – could we find others that would be equivalent? Apparently not, and there was only one cat.

Could they take turns using Kitty?

Clearly not.

So then I tried to get each to see the other person’s point of view. I asked my oldest to explain what Kitty meant to him.

He started to explain the inspiration behind the creation of Kitty – he explained how he picked each piece and why they are a unit (I’ve since forgotten, but at the time, I could tell that my oldest felt massive pride in his creation).

As my eldest explained, my youngest rolled his eyes and made huffing and puffing sounds. I asked him to stop and listen. He would get a turn, too.

He did get his turn.  He repeated what his older brother said. He had created it for very similar reasons.  (As an aside, he loves his older brother and wants to be just like him).

I do believe my oldest created it but I also have a very non-self-aware youngest who honestly believes he made it.

After hearing the reasons why Kitty meant so much,  I wanted both kids to be able to play with Kitty.  But they were still entrenched in their positional stances. I had hoped that after hearing each other out on what Kitty meant to each of them, they would figure out a way to either recreate Kitty in duplicate form or agree to share Kitty or even say, “ok, you can have Kitty – I can see Kitty means more to you…”), but no such luck. They were still stuck, and I had run out of ideas to help them.

I had to pull out the momma judge card.

“Well, it looks like we must have a custody arrangement for Kitty. I will hold onto Kitty overnight while I think about who gets to play with Kitty for the first play shift.”

And I’ve had Kitty ever since. He has been living in my car and riding around with me. I’ve become quite attached.

Self Care – Do It.

by | Jul 24, 2017 | Divorce

Well, my blogging has taken a hit lately (my last blog post was Feb 3rd – really? It has been a long time!)

Blog hiatuses are a bit of a pattern with me.

Things get in the way – tax season (it just kept going this year), kids, summer (Kits Pool, biking and hiking!) and life…

In the past, guilt would have been included in the above list, but I have learned that guilt is unnecessary. The only thing it does for me is drag me down and suck up time I don’t have. Don’t get me wrong – guilt’s voice still pops into my head, but I face it down and tell it to go away.  This takes about 30 seconds now when, in the past, it would drag me down for days, weeks and months.

Self-blame would also have been on that list. Self-blame used to suck up tons of my time.  Such as “I suck at time management, I’m self-indulgent, I’m inefficient.” I would spend hours trying to justify – yes, with myself – why I wasn’t blogging. It is time-consuming to argue with oneself and defend against personal attacks. What did this look like? Like this:

(me talking to myself) “Renée, you just spent every night this week watching Netflix after you put the kids in bed – you could have been catching up on work, blogging or exercising…”

(and my response) “I was so tired – I probably would have made mistakes, written poorly or hurt myself.”

Then, I would eat chocolate chips to cheer myself up. Then I would pass out.

Funnily enough, guilt and beating myself up did not bring me back to blogging.

What has brought me back?

Taking time for myself.

Last week, I was at camp with my kids. A fabulous cook made breakfast, lunch and dinner for me and my kids. There was no laundry, and tax season was finally over, so I didn’t have work hanging over my head. My kids are also at an age where they find friends and disappear.  I saw them for our daily 1-hour mom and kid activity and bedtime, but that was it. Even at mealtimes, they sat with their friends, and I got to eat with other moms.  I had a lot of time on my hands. I read a book! I swam every day, and I got to meditate and connect with other moms.

I had five days of extreme self-care, and now I’m blogging. Self-care got me here, and as I write this blog, I write it from a sense of peace.

It is so much easier than when I write from guilt, self-blame or angst. I’ve been writing for 60 minutes. I can tell you that writing blog posts from guilt, self-blame, and angst often took me days!

What is so cool about this revelation (self-care leads to blogging) is that this theme has been playing repeatedly in my head this past year.

Let’s face it: there is a lot of angst, guilt and blame in the world, and I see a lot of it in my work with people who are navigating separation and divorce.

I get that – the years leading up to and during my separation and divorce were horrible. I did not think I would survive the stress and emotional upheaval (literally – I used to sit on the couch and think, “Am I having a heart attack right now?” ). During that time, I felt guilty when I took time for myself and tried to soldier on through to the next phase of my life, which I thought would get better. I also blamed myself and my co-parent (and my parents – don’t we all blame them?) for the state my life was in. I took very little time for myself, and my life was hard. I got depressed. The arguments I had with my co-parent lasted days, weeks and months. Nothing seemed to work.

When I started taking care of myself, my life got better. This took time (it’s four years since my separation).  It took time for me to add self-care to my regimen, and it’s still not a fixed part of my life, though it is getting there because I realize it helps me, and by that fact alone, it helps my kids, my co-parent, my clients and everyone around me.  And blame is gone from my life (ok, mostly – it is a sneaky one that blame).

When I’m not in emotional upheaval, things just run more smoothly. It seems so simple, but I know it’s not. Did I already mention that it’s been four years since my separation :)?

So I’m going to be the one to be that good nagging voice in your head – “what can you do that is going to bring the joy back to your life? Go do it.”

I’m going to come back to this theme again because it needs repeating – a lot.