by Renee leNobel | Nov 10, 2014 | Divorce
There are many of negative thoughts out there that keep a person stuck in one place. I know because these thoughts kept me stuck: I let those thoughts control my actions.
One thought that keeps turning up in my life is “I can’t do it.” This is accompanied with “I am not good, smart, ambitious, deserving. (insert any positive adjective here) enough.”
I don’t know when I internalised this thought and then started living my life according to it, but I didn’t discover that this thought was in the driver’s seat of my life until my divorce. Since then I have been aware of this thought and working at ways to not let it rule me. I know it is working because now instead of it being me saying “oh no, I couldn’t do that.” I have people saying to me – “wow, you have accomplished so much…. I could never do that, I not smart, driven (insert positive adjective here) like you.”
I had four people say this to me last week in one form or another and it was quite surprising. How had I gone from being the person saying “I can’t do it.” to the person that is saying to others “you can do it”?
The first step for me was recognising that most of my inner dialogue throughout my life had been defeatist, often verging on self-loathing. I started journaling (I can hear the protests now: “I can’t journal” from some of you reading this. I always thought I couldn’t journal either. I told myself that and guess what? That was pretty self-fulfilling).
Ok, so I started journaling and documenting my inner thoughts. They were pretty negative and then I got self-loathing about that! For about two weeks I was saying to myself, “I can’t do it and how can I ever be expected to do it because I was born self-loathing.” Actually, that might have been more than two weeks.. That was a bit of a vicious whirlpool I was in for a while.
So then I read something else. Those thoughts that I was having? They weren’t mine. Nope. They were put there by society (darn you society).
At that point, it started becoming slightly funny and almost game-like. When my mood started to go down, I would try to identify the thought that was taking me there. And there was always something. Those thoughts are sneaky and can sometimes catch you unawares and send you spiralling down before you notice. That is the game for me, catching them before they do that.
That is essentially all I had to do. It took me a long time to figure it out but I finally did. What is amazing is that it completely ties into the idea that you manifest your thoughts. For a good chunk of my life I manifested “I can’t do it.” and now I am manifesting “I can do it.” It was simply a matter of recognition and belief.
Do you believe and listen to the thought that you can’t do it? Do you often say to others who you perceive to be more successful “but you are smart, driven, lucky etc.” and use that as an excuse as to why you can’t do it? I want to challenge you to recognise this thought for what it is. It is just a thought that is only true because you have made it so. You have manifested that thought in your life.
You can change. I know you can because I have first-hand experience. I have overcome a 40 year deeply entrenched personal mantra of “I can’t do it” within the space of a year.
But only you can do this… and I know you can.
by Renee leNobel | Nov 7, 2014 | Divorce
Do you sometimes think to yourself “I am alone”?
I do. It is usually immediately after dropping my kids off at school on a day that is the start of a five day stretch where they live at their dad’s home.
It doesn’t matter that about thirty minutes earlier they were driving me bonkers with their loudness and fighting and I couldn’t wait to get them out of the house.
As soon as I give them a hug and a kiss goodbye and reluctantly walk away from their school, the thoughts take over.
Here is but a sampling:
“I do not get to see my kids for five days…. actually six if I include Wednesday when they are at school!”
“It is not natural that a mom does not get to see her kids.”
“I can do it, I know this is just a thought.”
“I am sad, it ok that I am sad, it is a sad situation.”
“I have things planned for my time. I was relishing have free time two days ago, remember that feeling.”
“I am alone.”
It is that last thought that really gets me. I don’t know if there is a more unmotivating and devastating thought out there. That thought takes me out of living the day as I want to: with hope, joy and purpose.
So I am writing about this in the hopes of recognising what that thought does to me if I take it on. Awareness if the first step as the saying goes.
by Renee leNobel | Nov 4, 2014 | Divorce
Today I woke up feeling unmotivated. I tried to work for a bit and then decided what I was doing wasn’t getting me anywhere so I took a break.
I pondered the fact that it was cold in my house and the pilot light on the boiler had likely gone out again. I emailed my tenant to ask him to check for me and then I thought about how I should phone the heating and plumbing people to get them to come and do the annual maintenance on the boiler.
I thought about it some more. I thought about how I don’t like having to keep asking my tenant to light the pilot light on the boiler as it’s not his problem.
What was stopping me from phoning the heating and plumbing company? Well, my last few interactions with them have not been pleasant. Last year when the repair person came to do the maintenance in September, my tenant told me the guy texted for the entire hour. Not surprisingly our boiler pilot light kept going out after his visit so I called them back and the same person came again. This time, my tenant told me the repairman actually did some work and not surprisingly our boiler did what is was supposed to do…heat the house. As the repairman left, he told me that he wouldn’t charge me, as if he was doing me a big favour. I recognised this attitude as it is the same one I get from the receptionists every time I call this company.
These thoughts were the ones that had been stopping me from phoning the company. But it was the decidedly more uncomfortable thoughts about how I was inconveniencing my tenant and how I wasn’t being a responsible homeowner that motivated me to phone the heating and plumbing company this morning.
The receptionist was rude. She told me that they are busy in the fall and then grudgingly said that they had availability in two weeks and then she told me that next year I would have to have my service in the spring or summer.
After talking with her I reflected on the fact that it had gone as I had expected. I realise that I have been justifying using their services. They did good work (eventually) and I didn’t know who else to use. I was annoyed. Here I was using a company that clearly did not see my value as a customer. This thought moved me to act. I started searching around and found that there are indeed other companies that do this type of work. I phoned one, and the repair person is here as I write this.
This morning I woke up unmotivated. What got me to act? It was the discomfort that I found myself in. In fact, the more discomfort I felt and the worse it got, the more motivated I became. Not only did I finally get someone in to fix the boiler, I wrote my first Yelp review.
It is difficult to be in an uncomfortable place but today I am recognising that those difficult spots we find ourselves in can be very useful. Use that bad place as a stepping stone to get to where you want to be.
by Renee leNobel | Oct 27, 2014 | Divorce
I’ll never forget when someone said that to me. It was the last day of my back-to-work training course, and the facilitator looked at me with very understanding eyes and said, “I worry about you.”
Of the 20 women in the class, she worried about me. Being an introvert, I couldn’t ask her why at that point (I had to go home and process that one), and by then, it was too late. She was gone from my life, and I wasn’t about to ask her why she was worried about me over an email.
So I came up with my own reasons, and I will tell you, they were not good. I talked myself into the fact that there must be something to worry about in me – not good thoughts to have about yourself, especially when you are in the midst of what some would call worrying circumstances (recently divorced, two young kids, trying to re-enter the workforce).
Fortunately, in that same course, I had a coach assigned to me. She told me I was fantastic and would be a great success. Guess who I called back? Oh, it took me a while – two months of worrying about myself until I couldn’t take it anymore. Then, I intuitively knew who I had to call: the person who made me feel good about myself.
That is why I am not a financial planner who will make you feel bad about your spending habits. What I will do is sit down with you to help you figure out the best path for you, and then I will cheer you on to get there.
by Renee leNobel | Oct 22, 2014 | Divorce
I have gotten to start again (thank you divorce) and my first step for starting again was figuring myself out and what my values are. I know that if I am not living according to my own values, I will be unhappy, unmotivated and unsuccessful.
I continually see how this lesson plays out every day in almost all aspects of my conversations with people.
Today, this idea was reinforced.
I volunteer in a number of capacities and this morning I woke up to an email from the volunteer coordinator at one of those places informing me I wasn’t needed this week after I had set aside the time. I also had gotten another email from a co-volunteer stating that she was unhappy with how we were being coordinated.
Great! I could help clear things up! Or so I thought.
I carefully composed an email, thanking the volunteer coordinator for all the work she has done. I asked her if she could provide clarity on how she decides who gets to volunteer each week as it wasn’t clear to me and likely unclear to others. Would she send out an email to everyone? This would help alleviate potential resentment that could be bubbling under the surface.
Well, I guess she got a lot of these emails because I got a very long and very defensive email back. At the end of the email, she asked if I wanted the job.
Oh! That wasn’t what I was expecting. I even more carefully drafted my reply, apologising that my email had apparently been perceived as an attack.
She replied with an even longer email and asked me again if I wanted the job. She had been strong armed into it, she hadn’t wanted to do it this year, everyone was complaining etc. etc. etc.
I feel for her. She took a job she didn’t want and I know why. In one part of her email she said “I’m a people pleaser.”
Ugh. I’m a people pleaser. If there is one thing that is going to make you not live according to your own values, it is being a people pleaser. You will always try to live according to someone else’s idea of what you should be doing.
She took the job to please someone else. Clearly not herself as she was being dragged kicking and screaming to her computer (or so it would appear) to schedule us all into some semblance of order.
So instead of being thanked for all her efforts she is getting tons of complaints (in her words) and she wants to quit and is desperate to find anyone, anyone at all to take over. If she doesn’t find anyone, she will likely keep at it as quitting would be disappointing so many people.
I hope for her sake that she does quit even if she cannot find anyone to take over. I hope she would perceive it as taking a stand for herself and a learning moment and not see it as a moment when she let people down. It would give her the chance to start again and add things to her life that she will want to do and will have a shot at being happy and successful at.
A first step to breaking the people pleasing persona and a step towards understanding her own hidden values and drive.
by Renee leNobel | Oct 22, 2014 | Divorce
What do you say when someone tells you they’ve separated? I’ve started to think I should say ‘Congratulations,’ when someone tells me that they are separated or divorced, but I have not been able to do this yet. I still say “I’m sorry.” And why is that? Because I’ve been through a separation and I know how painful it is.
What would have I done if someone had congratulated me? Well, a lot of people tried to do this in their way. Many friends and family told me I would be better off, I was going to be happier, it would get more comfortable, etc., but I didn’t believe them. What did they know? They hadn’t lived it. They were all still hanging onto their marriages, good and bad. I mentally argued with them and twisted reality to prove to myself that they were wrong, that separation is horrendous and soul-destroying.
The ones who are divorced all looked on in commiseration and said “yes, it is hard and it takes at least two years (sometimes three) to get over it. I remember one particular man told me that he was really fortunate because at least he had his job, the one thing that didn’t change in his life, while he spent his two years getting back to some semblance of hope. All I could think was “great, I’m getting divorced, and my job is gone.” I was a stay-at-home mom, pre-divorce. When my divorce process started, others told me I would have to give that up and get a new ‘paying’ job.
I spent a year in misery and pain. Ok, a year and two months. Then I hit a point where I thought to myself: “I do not want to feel this way anymore.”
I was depressed
The thoughts that kept running through my head: “I have been a good person, followed all the rules, been responsible, done everything as expected … and my life is still a disaster.”
This realisation that everything that had come before had led me to this point made me decide I had to find a different way. I had nothing to lose anymore. I was in so much pain, that even if something catastrophic were to happen, I believed that I could not feel worse.
Oddly enough, this thought was motivating to me. I got to start from a blank slate. Nothing I do going forward can make me feel any worse. Therefore, I can try all sorts of things that I would never have tried before. There was nowhere else for me to go but up from this situation.
Finding my new way
It’s work and challenging, and at the same time, it is hopeful. I now think of the Divorce as my new beginning, that kick in the pants I needed to live a life that is designed by me and not dictated by others. So now, when I tell people that I am newly divorced, I remind them to congratulate me.
