by Renee leNobel | Nov 24, 2016 | Divorce, Finances
What is your relationship with money? I thought I’d better ask you again because I have been assuming you have a similar relationship to money that I have.
Lately I’ve been realizing that my assumptions often get me into hot water.
So to figure out if you have similar money issues to me, I’d better tell you my money history (yes again).
I have always had the fear and thought that there is not enough money. I’m afraid it will run out or that something will happen to stop the flow of money into my life.
This is the thought I operate from: not enough money.
How does this thought manifest in my life?
Well, I am a bit obsessive about checking my current financial situation. Just checking, I think to myself. Just confirming that there is still enough today.
I’m also a bit obsessive about my frugality. I’m not known as the hand-me-down queen for no reason after all.
I also experience a tad (OK a lot) of pain when I spend money. It doesn’t matter if I’m spending it on something fun or on plumbing. It’s all painful.
Now this is kind of a funny aside – because I know people with the exact same fear: not enough money… that leads them to spend it as fast as they can before it does indeed run out. Same fear. Very different manifestation.
OK – back to me.
Imagine my horror when my fears around money came true! They came true to me when I separated from my husband. Suddenly it seemed like the day had come where money did indeed stop flowing into my life (after all, he was the one with the paycheque – not me). I also believed I no longer had any savings as they all went to the lawyer and him.
There is nothing like having your fears realized to make you really fearful.
My fear got so big it took over my life for a while.
Then I developed a new thought around money. That thought was that I needed to somehow figure out a way to jettison my thought of: “there is not enough” as that thought was causing me a lot of pain.
So I developed some strategies and I have been sharing those strategies with you.
One of those strategies is “stop obsessively checking your financial status – you’ll be OK.”
But what if you are that person that avoids checking your financial status…ever?
I also started spending money and finding ways to do so without pain. Maybe you’ve seen me spending that money. I’ve given myself permission to spend money on things like new clothes and going out to eat.
What if you are watching me and thinking: “well, if Renee is spending money, then it must be go time on spending?”
But I’m still not spending more than what I’m bringing in. I increased my money inflows and still make sure I’m not outspending those inflows.
But what if you never do that?
I’ve been assuming that you are like me.
But like I said earlier – sometimes my assumptions are wrong.
I will tell you something else I have come to realize about my history with money.
It was not all bad. In fact some of it was awesome.
My obsessiveness around checking my finances and cash flows have turned me into a person that has a very good understanding of how much money I need to live on.
My obsessiveness with building an emergency cushion meant I had options when my divorce did become a reality.
So now I have a different relationship with money. I think “there is enough.”
But I still keep track and I still pay attention to confirm that there is indeed enough. Sometimes I have to adjust things in my life to make sure there is enough.
Some months I have to cut back on my spending or look at new ways to bring in money.
But I need to keep paying attention to know this.
And I also have my emergency money cushion, because you know, the unexpected does happen (like plumbing emergencies – darn it – two this week – but hey I’m not even bummed because I had my emergency cushion).
I also know that my relationship with money is no longer a painful one.
So what are you thoughts around money and what kind of relationship do you have?
by Renee leNobel | Nov 16, 2016 | Divorce, Finances
Let’s face it. Life can be a struggle. As one friend recently posted on Facebook “life is like a roller coaster! I HATE ROLLER COASTERS!” That post got me thinking. I too hate roller coasters, so much so, that I avoid places that have them just so I won’t even have to think about going on one.
But I can’t avoid the roller coaster called life. Sometimes I feel like I’m approaching the top…just cresting the hill to see that giant cliff staring me in the face. For me, that is the worst part of a roller coaster – that feeling of dread knowing that cliff is coming. I am learning to combat that dread though. Because the other knowledge I have come to understand about roller coasters is that there is always an uphill that comes after the drop.
There was a time in my life when I did not have this understanding, a time when I felt like I was staring down that cliff every day – I could not see the uphill that came after it.
I clearly remember that point in my life and always will. Waking up everyday and wondering what the point of anything was. Everything seemed hopeless and nothing in my life seemed to be working. Everything in my life seemed broken, including my financial situation.
I have since noticed this common theme with many other people. There is a strong correlation between emotional pain and financial woes. If your life is not going according to plan, it is likely going to show up somewhere in your finances.
When I was going through my divorce, I was depressed. I had no self-esteem left. I felt like a failure and this translated to the image I projected to the world. I also was not earning any money and had a belief that I would be poor for the remainder of my life. I used to look at my finances on an almost daily basis simply to confirm that yes, I was poor and then I extrapolated my poor financial situation to be a reflection of myself. I considered myself to be worthless, much like my bank account.
During this period, I was applying for jobs and seeing recruiters. I certainly had the qualifications to get many of these jobs but I did not hear back from a single employer.
While this was going on, I thought the problem was my lack of money. That was the cause of all my woes. If only I could have solved my cash inflow problem, I would have been fine.
That was my thinking.
My lack of money certainly was a problem.
But my lack of money was a symptom and not the root cause of what was going on with me. My emotional state was the cause of all my difficulties including my financial ones.
How do I know that it was my emotional state that was causing all my problems? Well, it has become obvious to me over time. As my emotional well-being has improved so has everything else in my life, including my finances.
When I think back to that time, I am grateful that I got on a path to fix my emotional well-being and did not fall into a trap to simply fix the symptoms. It was touch and go for a while which way my life would go and I credit good luck and the good advice of friends who got me onto a path that ended up truly helping me.
I had met a life coach – this was through the Minerva Foundation (an amazing organization). I was lucky enough to participate in their Career Kick Start program. The coach that was helping me recognized I was not in a good emotional state. She did not tell me this, but she listened to me and had the insight to give me the tools I needed to start to recognize it myself. This is another topic for a post, but when you are in a depression, you often don’t even realize it. Friends and family often don’t realize it. I can say, that no one knew how depressed I was. I can put on a brave face and many people can. Sometimes the only way to tell if someone is depressed is to look at the symptoms – one of which is a person’s finances.
One of the things this coach gave me was respite from feeling terrible about myself. The coaching sessions were the only times I had anything resembling hope in my life.
Then the course ended and I no longer got that respite. I sunk deeper and deeper until one day I did not want to go on.
It was at this point that I reached out to my coach in an email and she called me back right away. This was on a Friday. She gave me some emergency therapy and told me to go see my doctor I did a couple of the things she suggested that I do to get me out of my crisis and surprisingly they worked. I spent the weekend doing what she told me to do and by Sunday I had a moment where I felt hope. It was such and incredible feeling that it made me realize that there were things I could do to feel better.
I realized at this point that I could feel good even though my situation was exactly the same as it had been on Friday. I was still poor (in my mind), I was still worthless and un-employable. My family was still broken. Yet for some reason it didn’t seem to matter as much anymore.
I decided I wanted to feel better like this more often.
So I called my coach back and asked her if I could hire her. She told me how much it would cost (she gave me her deal rate). Her rates were pricey (she’s a good coach) and so it caused me a little bit of angst. Ok, it caused me a lot of angst. I mean MY LACK OF MONEY seemed to be the cause of my problems. Now I needed to find more. I started to loop again. I’m poor, I’m worthless, I need money, I don’t have money. I can’t hire my coach. This soundtrack started to play in my brain and again it seemed like money was the problem.
So I went to talk to my good friend who I relied on heavily to give me advice as I could not make my own decisions at this point of my life.
So I asked her advice. “Renée, you need the help now when you don’t have money. If you didn’t have money problems, you would not need the help.”
Wow – now that I read that, I realize how she knew money was a symptom and not the problem.
I hired my coach and she worked with me for six months.
Now this is the interesting part. During the six months I worked with my coach, my life situation did not change. All the circumstances in my life remained exactly the same and I still had no money coming in. The only thing that changed was the way I started to perceive things. My mental state was the only thing that changed. She helped me realize that I had worth despite my lack of cash inflows.
Then a crazy thing happened. As my feelings of self-worth improved, money started to flow into my life. It is clear to me now, but I had been projecting my low self esteem to everyone I met. It was no wonder no one would hire me.
Then my life turned into a positive feedback loop. I would feel better, people began hiring me for jobs, money started to come in which boosted my feelings of self-worth. I have to say – it was awesome and also a revelation to me. It still is.
I also started to notice that as I started to get stressed out or unhappy, things stopped working. I would stop working. I would do things to sabotage myself and it would show up in my finances in a negative way.
So now when I start to stress out about my financial situation, I start to look at what the underlying root cause is. There is always something else going on that is leading to my current financial predicament.
Are you stressed about your finances? I challenge you to investigate what is really going on.
by Renee leNobel | Oct 31, 2016 | Divorce, Finances
I don’t know where to start with this blog post but I know the outcome I want. I know what I need to say but I’m not sure how it is going to look when I finally do say it. I am relying on my values and my life experiences to be pulled forth from me by the exploratory writing process to come up with a blog post that reflects what I want to say.
This is how collaboration works.
Collaboration is a multi-step process but a large part of it is exploration.
We as individuals are like icebergs. A tiny part of us is shown to the world, but the underlying support and essence of us is as big as the part of the iceberg that sits under the water. A huge life of experiences and values shapes the way each person responds in each situation in life.
The parts of us of that are underwater are hidden – no one else sees them and yet they are the parts of our being that drive the way we do things. Other people only see what is on the surface and make assumptions about how we work and how we respond in situations. We get into conflict with each other because we don’t see the values and life experiences that are hiding beneath the surface.
So to deal with conflict, we each need to explore what is under the surface for both ourselves and the other person we are conflict with.
As you each gain understanding of yourself and of the other person involved in the conflict, ways of moving forward start to become apparent. Solutions become clear and easily implemented because both parties to the conflict now buy into the solution.
What is amazing about collaboration is that it is a process that can be learned and it is a process that works.
The not so amazing part of collaboration is that most of us are not trained to be collaborative (despite me telling everyone that they need to take this course) when dealing with others in life and usually when you get to the point where you are required to use it, you are too emotional to do so. It is challenging to do something that is so completely different from what you have learned in life. It is doubly hard when you are already in the midst of emotional conflict.
So what do most of us do? We revert to the way we have been trained in life do deal with conflict. Now let me be clear when I say trained. I am not saying that someone specifically trained you, but I am saying your personality combined with your life experiences turned you into the person you are (your style of conflict is part of the iceberg that is hiding beneath the surface).
In situations of conflict, some people are trained to be bullies and always win. Some people are trained to be avoiders. Some are trained to capitulate and be accommodating at all costs. What is your style of conflict?
I was trained to always capitulate (after I had first avoided the conflict). Many of us have two styles of conflict. I use avoidance to stay away from conflict and then when it didn’t go away and the situation becomes more stressful, I capitulate. Despite knowing this about myself and despite knowing that this does not work, I still naturally revert to this way of dealing with conflict in life.
So knowing this, I have set up some systems in my life so I am forced to be collaborative.
Systems are good (says the accountant).
Because life seems to be a series of conflicts and I seem to revert to my old style of dealing with conflict. I got reminded of this AGAIN this past weekend.
On Friday, conflict turned up in my life (yes again).
Someone asked me a favour.
Now – I never respond right away to certain requests and this was a pretty big one so I said I needed time to think about it. This is the first step in the system I have put in place for myself:
- Never give an answer right away.
Give yourself time to think. Despite thinking you are cool calm and rational and have let go of all your issues, you have not (unless you are Deepak Chopra).
Because did I ever want to give an answer. It seemed so clear. The request flew in the face of a resolution I had recently made for myself. So while I said I needed time, I thought I knew my answer would be no. Yeah – I knew it. I felt calm and clear. But I still said I needed time because I have surprised myself before.
Then, I did something that goes against my rules of the collaborative process. I started to poll other people for their opinions in the matter. Because I thought they would agree with me (hah). This leads to step 2:
- Do not poll people that are not involved in the conflict.
(I have not learned this one yet – seriously – it’s one of my rules, but I broke it! See what happens when you are emotional? Revert revert revert).
What did I get when I did this? I got the underlying beliefs and values of my friends and family. They did not jibe with what I believed for many reasons – and that would involve an entirely new collaborative process for me to understand why they were telling me what they were. So all I got from this was guilt and confusion. One thing of interest was that opinions divided clearly along gender lines. The women lent towards capitulation. The men told me to do what would make me happy. Interesting…
So now that I was confused from my polling, I spent Sunday morning testing how each answer felt. Yes, I’m trying to be less analytical and go with my intuition. So I tested how saying yes felt (crappy) and how saying no felt (equally crappy).
This leads to step 3:
- When you start to cry, scream, get grumpy and become a nasty person it’s time to stop thinking about the conflict and take a break.
So I took a break. I rode my bike. That should be a rule too. Go ride your bike. OK, I’m kidding, but find something to do that you enjoy that will take your mind off the conflict. I know there are a lot of you out there that want to get the conflict resolved and this step seems indulgent, but it is essential. I will say it again, it is essential. Because most of us have been trained to think enjoying ourselves is bad. Especially when there is work to be done.
When my break was done, I felt good again. The light bulb went off (again). This leads to the next step:
- Get back to the collaborative process when you’ve fallen off and reverted to your old style of dealing with conflict.
So this morning I woke up and sent an email to the person that had asked me the favour. I requested another meeting because there is no clear answer to resolve this new conflict I find myself in. We need to do more exploration around the underlying issues that are leading to the request. I need to understand what is going on with the other person involved and he also needs to understand what is going on with me. I know when we get to that point we will find a solution that will be clear and work for both of us.
Now I await an answer for when we can meet. Now – this part is tricky. What if the other person does not want to collaborate? Well, it appears you have a new conflict on your hands and the only thing to do in this case is explore why they do not want to use collaboration. Now you have two conflicts to resolve using collaboration. All I can say is… more practice. Woo hoo!
Because I don’t know how the final outcome of my most recent conflict is going to turn out, I’m going to have to make some assumptions. I am going to assume that I am going to meet with the person I am in conflict with and we are going to work collaboratively until new and ingenious ways of solving the issue at hand become apparent.
This leads to the final step:
- Implement your solution to the conflict…
and test it by living your life. Next thing you know, another conflict situation will happen along and you will get to try it all over again.
I think I have spent enough time on this post. It feels right now. The collaborative process (me and my blog often get into conflict) has worked again!
by Renee leNobel | Mar 15, 2016 | Finances
I have a few friends that are in the dating stage of their lives right now. It is a fascinating topic of conversation. Of course, being me, I find the money part particularly interesting.
How come? Well, pretty much every girlfriend I have claims that it is the guy’s obligation to pay for dinner and drinks on a date. And one friend told me she was out recently where she tried to pay and the guy told her “come on, let me be a man” and insisted on paying. Another friend of a friend uses dating to fund her dinners out. Whenever she is low on funds, she goes online and finds some random guy to take her out for drinks or dinner. The guy always seems to pay.
This is interesting. I have asked if there is any discussion around this when it comes time to pay the bill but from my limited polling of friends they say there is not. The woman may make some half-hearted attempt to pay, but that is generally to be polite.
How is this still the norm? I should mention that my friends are all in their 40s and they are all at least as well off as the men they are dating.
What does this payment dynamic do?
Well, another friend went out on two dates with someone who paid for both and after the second one, she decided that they were just not suited to each other. He emailed to ask her out again and she spent two entire days agonizing over how to tell him this. She felt like she owed him something more for the $40 he had shelled out on her behalf instead of the standard “I don’t think we are on the same page – see you later,” email that she did eventually end up sending him. As we discussed this, she said it would have been way easier to break it off if she didn’t feel like she was in dinner debt!
A more extreme example of this involves a friend that went out with a guy some years ago. He took her out for a fancy dinner and when she did not “put out” at the end of the night, he made his displeasure known and never contacted her again. Good riddance in that case is all she could say. That said, it was an unpleasant experience. Fortunately, she is a strong and independent person and does not let people wield power over her, but not everyone is as strong as her.
So, my opinion on all of this? Guys get to buy power for the cost of a cheap dinner. Pretty good deal. Women are handing over their sovereignty for dinner and drinks. Am I being a bit extreme? Maybe. After all, some women are using it to fund their nights out as noted above and may know exactly what they are doing but they are helping perpetuate a system that does not serve anyone.
This dating and paying system is establishing a pattern where women are asking men to take care of them. This dating and money pattern potentially sets the precedent going forward if the relationship between these two people continues. When you are suddenly being supported and taken care of by someone else it changes the entire dynamic of the power in the relationship. Just ask my kids. I pay for them and I am the decision maker in the household.
Do women need to be taken care of? What do they really need out of a relationship? They need to be loved and respected and in my opinion, automatically assuming that a woman cannot pay and take care of herself is not showing respect.
I have met a number of widows in my capacity as a volunteer income tax preparer for seniors. These women outlived their husbands and in every case, they have were not the financial decision makers in their households. It is challenging to say the least to start learning how to deal with money as a senior citizen.
How do stop this pattern? Well, I believe it begins right at the beginning. Going on a coffee date? Pay for you own coffee.
by Renee leNobel | Mar 2, 2016 | Finances
I recently met someone who has the following strategy. He works on a contract basis for six months and makes good money. He pays off the debt he accumulated when he wasn’t working and then he quits and gradually builds up debt until it gets to be unsustainable and then he goes and works again.
His money strategy makes me a little nervous. Ok, it makes me a lot nervous He’s still fairly young, but I can’t help but wonder what will happen when he gets to a point where he doesn’t have the energy to do these intensive spurts of work. Not to mention, what if something happens to him and he can’t work or he can’t just pick up and find well paid work? Yes, I have a worry gene. This person does not appear to. I wonder if it will kick in for him and what age that will happen if it does?
He argues he likes to live life as it comes and he certainly is living in the “Now” which is a popular thing to try to do these days.
On the flip side, he clearly sees work as only a source of funds and does not appear to get any other value out of his contract jobs. He puts in his time to make money and then gets out as quick as he can. I wonder how he perceives those six months when he is working flat out. I bet it is a bit of a struggle for him and that those six months feel a bit like a jail sentence.
I am also curious as to what will happen as he get closer and closer to retirement age. Will he panic? Will he live in denial and just keep doing what he is doing?
Generally, as people get older they seem to get more anxious about retirement. I’ve noticed that most people tend to have a negative outlook towards retirement. Especially those that do not have any savings. I have not met too many people that imagine the wonderful life that they will be living when they retire. Instead they seem to think that they will not have enough money to maintain a comfortable standard of living.
And, instead of investigating what they need to do to maintain a comfortable standard of living in retirement, they worry. Worrying does not provide more clarity about retirement. Worrying may feel like you’re doing something, but you’re not really. You’re just sacrificing your current happiness to the worry about some uncertain future.
These fears of the future are powerful and can leave you feeling trapped. They can make your life take on a terrible hue. Instead of enjoying your present life, you are living somewhere in an unhappy future. They can also lead you to make decisions that are not the best for you.
For example, you may take on work that you are not suited for. This may be sustainable in the short term, but what if you have to keep working at this type of work after retirement age because you didn’t save quite enough money? This is what my client appears to be doing. He will continue to work these six month contracts for money and money only. What if he found something he enjoyed doing and decided he didn’t want to stop after six months? What if he enjoyed it so much, he wanted it in his life after he retires?
Here’s another decision people often make. They use their home as their retirement plan. They build a life and community in a neighbourhood and then completely change their lives when they sell their home and move somewhere cheaper. This may work for some, but as we get older, we lose some ability to make big changes. It is hard to pick up and start over completely somewhere new when you’ve already had one big change (retirement).
What if instead of procrastinating the planning or living in denial, you started thinking about your retirement right now and you thought about it with hope?
These are the steps I would take:
- I would assess what my financial standing is today.
- I would assess the amount of cash inflows I need as of today to cover my cash outflows as of today.
- Then I would look to what is missing in my life and what is going well in my life.
- I would think about what I still want in my future life and then I would project what my cash inflows and outflows will be when I am older and not able to work as much.
- I will project how much money I will have when that day comes and if it is not enough, I will try to find a source of extra funds or I will figure out what can go now and cut my spending.
- My new sources of cash inflows will tie into what I need in my life. I will try to find work that I enjoy and can sustain and I will get rid of spending that does not contribute to my well being.
I will start doing this self reflection at least once a year and try to bring sustainability to my life. I don’t want the type of retirement where I quit everything I have been building cold turkey. I am building a life that I want to enjoy while I’m living it. Why would I suddenly change everything when I retire? You may be surprised that there are certain parts of work that you actually need in your life: connection to others, contributing to society, personal growth and yes, of course money.
There are people out there that are already doing this. In fact, it seems many people do this. My grandparents continued to work into their 80s because they loved it. Aren’t those the people that you know that seem to live forever?
So what can you do if you are getting older and you are starting to worry about retirement?
Start looking at your life now. What can you start doing that has potential cash inflows for a long time? What can you get rid of that you don’t really need that is costing you money?
Then you can stop worrying about how horrible your life is going to be and you can start planning how you want your life to look.
It is never too late to do this.
by Renee leNobel | Feb 24, 2016 | Finances
Retirement takes up a lot of space in society’s consciousness. It dominates the financial stories we hear about. Retirement is what we are all mainly saving for, right?
Retirement. Talking about it is particularly prevalent now as many struggle to make ends meet while working flat out!
How can we save for retirement when we can’t manage now?
I guess we should all give up. Maybe the world will end by then – who needs savings anyway?
Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Interestingly, many people are still saving – what stories are they telling themselves?
Perhaps the savers are noticing that there are a lot of impoverished and vulnerable seniors out there, and it is scary to think that you could end up a senior with no savings and no ability to earn more money. That’s a good reason to try to start saving.
Or perhaps they have hope for our world. Or maybe they are simply hedging their bets.
What stories are you telling yourself about saving? Because it’s the stories you are telling yourself right now that are impacting your ability to live and save.
I began noticing how our stories impact our day-to-day lives when volunteering with the Community Volunteer Income Tax Program. In one particular year, I helped prepare and file 44 personal tax returns for low-income seniors, and the highest earner in the bunch made $28,000.
During tax season, there is a line up out the door and around the corner at the Senior’s Centre. The criteria for having your taxes done for free is that you must earn less than $30,000 for the year, but again, this is high for most people in that line. The income for most seniors in the line comprises Old Age Security benefits ($9,341.40 per year in 2023) and Canada Pension Plan (CPP) benefits, which were a maximum of $15,678.84 in 2023. If you worked all your life, contributed the maximum to CPP, and have no other savings, you will earn $25,000 per year. That’s a lot of low-income seniors,and they all have different stories.
One lady I help has lived in subsidized housing for 20 years. She moved in when her husband died suddenly of a heart attack, and she discovered he had gambled away all their savings. She was 65 at that point, had not worked her entire life and had nothing other than about $20,000 she had inherited from her mother. She has since lent that to one of her children, who no longer talks to her – a terrible situation and every time I see her (I have seen her three times now), she reminds me of it. It is the daily story that goes on in her head.
The other thing I notice about her is that she is very put together. She looks fantastic at 85 years old. She gets around quickly, seems in great shape, and has a lovely home in a great location. She has grandchildren and great-grandchildren who visit her, but she is not focusing on those things. She is focusing on her story, and I can see the worry and stress emanating from her face.
I helped another gentleman at the same housing complex. I don’t know what his story is. How did he end up as a senior living in subsidized housing? He offered me tea while I prepared his return, and we talked about the music we like and our hobbies. He had a dog that he tries to walk daily, though walking is getting hard for him. He seemed upbeat.
What is the financial difference between these two seniors? Nothing. They are both in similar financial situations, coping and living within fixed and minimal means.
Yet, they are living very different stories.
We all find a way of coping with what we are given. How we choose to manage and the stories we tell ourselves make a difference in how we perceive our lives and present moments, impacting our future.
Most of us will eventually retire. There will come a point where we just cannot earn money or work.
I do recommend planning for retirement. If you want to know where I stand when it comes to financial planning – it’s in the “I’m hedging my bets,” category. It is easier to remain positive and hopeful when you feel you have financial control over your life.
Next week’s topic? How do you start planning for your old age when you don’t think you have enough money to retire? It’s always possible to change and take control of your life.
What is your relationship with money? I thought I’d better ask you again because I have been assuming you have a similar relationship to money that I have.
