Time

by | Oct 9, 2017 | Divorce

I start new posts all the time.  These posts are usually about time. I say start because I often run out of time and never finish these posts I’ve started.

Actually – my post attempts are getting less and less frequent. Why is that?

I don’t have time to even start posts these days.

I realized this a few months ago but I still don’t want to admit it to myself.

I am admitting it this morning on the tail end of the Canadian Thanksgiving long weekend.

I am visiting my sister and this morning I woke up (post Thanksgiving dinner so no more dinner prep to worry about), got the crew fed and then sat on the couch and stared at my phone. Eventually I got bored of Facebook and so I checked my email. I answered the questions sent by a few clients and found myself wondering what to do next.

My kids seemed to be quiet for the moment (well – one has currently sequestered himself to his foamie as he is mad – but after checking on him I have decided to leave him alone at his request ) and the other is happily playing with his cousin who he now gets all to himself.

I read a few pages of my book and  then I put it down.

Then I just sat there and I started pondering.

“What do you want to do?” I thought to myself.

“I want to help solve the world’s problems.” (I do get some lofty goals sometimes).

“Well, that’s not going to happen (me still talking to myself) but I do want to share my experience with time and how it seems to cure all my problems.”

Just last week my life was out of control. Everything was just too much. I felt like crying most days. I was at the point where I just wanted to do something dramatic to get my life back on track.  That’s my old method of dealing with pain. Doing something dramatic does change things for a while but it doesn’t solve the underlying problem. But it does seem like a quick solution…

In my case, the underlying problem is that I’d taken on a bit too much (sometimes that happens if you want to help cure the world – ha ha).

So instead of doing something dramatic I decided to take some time to figure out what it was that I needed to do. I took some time to build some more time and space into my life.

Instead of trying to finish everything that was on my to do list, I started figuring out ways to postpone what was on my to do list. I did the absolutely essential things I needed to do. I took time to eat well, I also finally caved and went to the grocery store so I could feed my kids as well. I went to bed when my kids went to bed, I emailed clients and clarified what work needed to be done and by when and I started to turn down new work that was coming in and requests from friends to hang out. I finally went to yoga  – I hadn’t been since August 18th.

As I built time into my life and started to see how I could continue to do this going forward my problems seemed to get better.

And as I did all these things I thought back to that most stressful time in my life. That time when I was navigating my separation and divorce. I remember my natural inclination to plow my way through that period of my life to get it done and I remember how that method and approach to separation and divorce did not lead to a very good outcome. I had a divorce but I also had depression.

And then I thought of the people that I am now helping navigate their separation and divorce by helping them glean information about their financial situation. I notice how some clients take their time as they figure out their new life circumstances and how some want it done and want it done now.  Can you guess which clients have a better outcome?

Yes, the ones that take time to build the lives they want. The ones that take time to let emotions settle before subjecting themselves to discussions with their spouse. The ones that take time to take care of themselves so they don’t take take their anger and frustrations out on their children.

I am reminded by clients that taking time and care is how I want to live my life going forward and that I should practice what I preach.

So this Thanksgiving I am grateful for the extra day we get on this long weekend. It was this bonus day that gave me the time I needed to remember to bring time and space back to my life.

Happy Thanksgiving!

There’s Work (and Then There’s the Real Work)

by | Sep 14, 2017 | Divorce, Finances, Parenting

My blog post ideas usually hit me on the head when I’m struggling.

Today’s struggle was getting my kids out the door and to their school. This seems relatively straightforward in theory, and I’ve even developed a checklist for each of my kids to complete in the morning. It’s on the fridge. Here is the list:

  1. wake up – 7:30 am
  2. get dressed
  3. eat breakfast
  4. put dishes in the dishwasher
  5. brush hair
  6. brush teeth
  7. put lunch in your bag
  8. put your water bottle in your bag
  9. put coat on
  10. put shoes on – 8:30 am

I look at that list and think – “we could be out the door in twenty minutes!”

Yet this morning, despite getting up at 6 am, we were still not ready at 8:30 am. In fact, at 8:30 am, I thought, “Are the cops about to knock on the door because my neighbours have called about a potential domestic situation in our house?”

What had gone wrong? Why didn’t my list work? Why hadn’t we gotten to school with success today?

Nothing was wrong with my list. My kids had followed the list, and they are very good at following the list, but there is something major missing from my list.

Then I started thinking about the parallels between my work at home (getting up, getting ready, getting places on time) and my work with clients (which starts with my client filling out a spending plan template and listing property and debt).

My work at home and my client work seem to have very concrete, achievable outcomes, such as being at your desk at school at 9 am and completing a filling in some amounts on a template.

On the surface, both types of work seem straightforward and easy.

I’ve got the “get to school checklist” and “my spending plan template.” Both, in theory, take a set amount of time to complete.

But I am finding that this work is just not taking the amount of time I think it will.  It is taking a lot longer. Plus, there appears to be angst when getting out the door and completing spending plan templates.

Because the real work is not completing the items on the checklist or filling out my spending plan template.

What is the real work?

Well, the work involved in getting my kids to school appears to be keeping my children separate from each other so that they don’t try to kill each other. So this morning, I was thinking up strategies (kids eating in different rooms, kids wearing blindfolds with me escorting them from room to room). But no, no – again, that is not the work.

The work is figuring out what is going on underneath the surface with my kids, which is leading them to find new and ingenious ways to torture each other (both psychologically and physically).

That is the work I need to do with my kids, and I tend to avoid it. It is hard. It involves communicating with their dad and figuring out times to discuss things as a family.  It involves communication with grandparents to help them understand that the discipline that worked for their children does not seem to work for my kids. It involves research, time, and being open to new ways of doing things. It requires enormous effort, time and commitment. Why can’t we follow the checklist (oh why, oh why, oh why)?

Because the checklist does not solve the underlying emotional, relational and communication issues that my family appears to be having.

This leads me to my spending plan template.

If you are working on a spending plan, you are likely at a point of transition and need help figuring out where you are financially to make decisions.

Filling in the template will take about two to three hours. Two hours to gather information and one hour to input the information.

“Oh – that’s easy!”

And yes – it is easy.

But as my kids have thoughtfully demonstrated to me this morning, it is only easy on the surface.

If you are at a point of transition where you require my help, I will ask you something. What is going on with you that will extend the time spent on this spending plan process? And then, I will challenge you to do the work to deal with that before you get to the fun part of filling out the spending plan template.

Why?

Because I want the work I do for you to be successful, I can review your spending plan with you (it’s quick), but there is no point in doing this work if it doesn’t get rid of the angst in your life.

This leads me to my new spiel when describing how long a new job will take.

“This will take three hours if I work in a complete vacuum from the moment I get the information I requested from you.”

” But because working in a vacuum is not reality, it could take anywhere from three hours to never being finished. We will figure it out as we go along, and I will keep you updated as best as I can.”

This is Mine

by | Aug 15, 2017 | Divorce, Parenting

This is Kitty

And this is Kitty out enjoying nature. 

“Uh – looks like fireman Lego with a Darth Vader Lego cape and falling-off headphones.”

That’s what you think. Oh, how wrong you are.

Kitty (Kitty is the combination of Lego man and the cat – the unit is called Kitty) caused much conflict in our household last week.

I was dutifully cleaning up the dishes when I started to hear screaming coming from the area my kids had disappeared to (they always make themselves scarce when there is work to be done but someday soon they will be trained on dinner dishes).

I went to investigate, and as I got closer, the screaming became clearer.

“You’re an idiot!”

“No, you are!”

“Get out of my room – you’re always taking my stuff.”

“Kitty’s mine! Give it back!”

As I rounded the corner, my youngest hurtled by clutching something in his hand. I reached out to grab him.

“What’s going on?”

I then proceeded to get a stereo synopsis of the current situation. The kids were fighting over Kitty.

I yelled STOP, and I asked to hold onto Kitty while we figured things out.

The yelling continued, and so I yelled STOP again.

I called a time-out and said, “Ok – we need to all calm down, and then in 10 minutes, we can discuss what is going on here, but we all need to get to a point to where we can talk and not yell. I can’t help you two figure out anything while you yell.”

So my kids went to their respective corners (not easily done).  When my eldest is ramped up emotionally, he needs ten minutes by himself in his room  – actually, he needs 24 hours, but we’re working on 10 minutes so he doesn’t lose an entire day. My youngest, on the other hand, gets 30 seconds of screaming his head off, all the while stomping and slamming doors. 30 seconds. Let me tell you, that’s fun, but it’s what we have to work with. It used to be 3 minutes, but we are whittling it down.

So – the kids had their time outs and I used that time to strategize and breathe before I had to become momma mediator.

Not enough time.

I went back, and we started to discuss what to do. Both kids wanted to play with Kitty. Both kids were convinced Kitty was theirs. So, first, we explored that scenario.

“How do we prove who Kitty belongs to?” I asked.

They started arguing over the set that Kitty must have come from. A fireman set? Seemed reasonable to me. Then they started arguing over which kid had gotten the fireman set. They tried to get me to be the deciding vote, but honestly, I could not remember. I did the analytical thing – well, you – “oldest child,” did not like firetrucks – you liked Sponge Bob, so in theory, it is more likely from a set belonging to “youngest child.” This led to much protesting by the older child, who explained that various bits had come from multiple sets he had creatively put together.

Hmm – still stuck. They then dragged out every Lego manual to determine where each piece had come from. We did this for a while until my oldest remembered he had taken many of the manuals to his dad’s.

All during this time, I was trying to help them think of solutions alternative to the “this is mine and therefore not yours.” solution.

We explored all the bits Lego Man was made of – could we find others that would be equivalent? Apparently not, and there was only one cat.

Could they take turns using Kitty?

Clearly not.

So then I tried to get each to see the other person’s point of view. I asked my oldest to explain what Kitty meant to him.

He started to explain the inspiration behind the creation of Kitty – he explained how he picked each piece and why they are a unit (I’ve since forgotten, but at the time, I could tell that my oldest felt massive pride in his creation).

As my eldest explained, my youngest rolled his eyes and made huffing and puffing sounds. I asked him to stop and listen. He would get a turn, too.

He did get his turn.  He repeated what his older brother said. He had created it for very similar reasons.  (As an aside, he loves his older brother and wants to be just like him).

I do believe my oldest created it but I also have a very non-self-aware youngest who honestly believes he made it.

After hearing the reasons why Kitty meant so much,  I wanted both kids to be able to play with Kitty.  But they were still entrenched in their positional stances. I had hoped that after hearing each other out on what Kitty meant to each of them, they would figure out a way to either recreate Kitty in duplicate form or agree to share Kitty or even say, “ok, you can have Kitty – I can see Kitty means more to you…”), but no such luck. They were still stuck, and I had run out of ideas to help them.

I had to pull out the momma judge card.

“Well, it looks like we must have a custody arrangement for Kitty. I will hold onto Kitty overnight while I think about who gets to play with Kitty for the first play shift.”

And I’ve had Kitty ever since. He has been living in my car and riding around with me. I’ve become quite attached.

Self Care – Do It.

by | Jul 24, 2017 | Divorce

Well, my blogging has taken a hit lately (my last blog post was Feb 3rd – really? It has been a long time!)

Blog hiatuses are a bit of a pattern with me.

Things get in the way – tax season (it just kept going this year), kids, summer (Kits Pool, biking and hiking!) and life…

In the past, guilt would have been included in the above list, but I have learned that guilt is unnecessary. The only thing it does for me is drag me down and suck up time I don’t have. Don’t get me wrong – guilt’s voice still pops into my head, but I face it down and tell it to go away.  This takes about 30 seconds now when, in the past, it would drag me down for days, weeks and months.

Self-blame would also have been on that list. Self-blame used to suck up tons of my time.  Such as “I suck at time management, I’m self-indulgent, I’m inefficient.” I would spend hours trying to justify – yes, with myself – why I wasn’t blogging. It is time-consuming to argue with oneself and defend against personal attacks. What did this look like? Like this:

(me talking to myself) “Renée, you just spent every night this week watching Netflix after you put the kids in bed – you could have been catching up on work, blogging or exercising…”

(and my response) “I was so tired – I probably would have made mistakes, written poorly or hurt myself.”

Then, I would eat chocolate chips to cheer myself up. Then I would pass out.

Funnily enough, guilt and beating myself up did not bring me back to blogging.

What has brought me back?

Taking time for myself.

Last week, I was at camp with my kids. A fabulous cook made breakfast, lunch and dinner for me and my kids. There was no laundry, and tax season was finally over, so I didn’t have work hanging over my head. My kids are also at an age where they find friends and disappear.  I saw them for our daily 1-hour mom and kid activity and bedtime, but that was it. Even at mealtimes, they sat with their friends, and I got to eat with other moms.  I had a lot of time on my hands. I read a book! I swam every day, and I got to meditate and connect with other moms.

I had five days of extreme self-care, and now I’m blogging. Self-care got me here, and as I write this blog, I write it from a sense of peace.

It is so much easier than when I write from guilt, self-blame or angst. I’ve been writing for 60 minutes. I can tell you that writing blog posts from guilt, self-blame, and angst often took me days!

What is so cool about this revelation (self-care leads to blogging) is that this theme has been playing repeatedly in my head this past year.

Let’s face it: there is a lot of angst, guilt and blame in the world, and I see a lot of it in my work with people who are navigating separation and divorce.

I get that – the years leading up to and during my separation and divorce were horrible. I did not think I would survive the stress and emotional upheaval (literally – I used to sit on the couch and think, “Am I having a heart attack right now?” ). During that time, I felt guilty when I took time for myself and tried to soldier on through to the next phase of my life, which I thought would get better. I also blamed myself and my co-parent (and my parents – don’t we all blame them?) for the state my life was in. I took very little time for myself, and my life was hard. I got depressed. The arguments I had with my co-parent lasted days, weeks and months. Nothing seemed to work.

When I started taking care of myself, my life got better. This took time (it’s four years since my separation).  It took time for me to add self-care to my regimen, and it’s still not a fixed part of my life, though it is getting there because I realize it helps me, and by that fact alone, it helps my kids, my co-parent, my clients and everyone around me.  And blame is gone from my life (ok, mostly – it is a sneaky one that blame).

When I’m not in emotional upheaval, things just run more smoothly. It seems so simple, but I know it’s not. Did I already mention that it’s been four years since my separation :)?

So I’m going to be the one to be that good nagging voice in your head – “what can you do that is going to bring the joy back to your life? Go do it.”

I’m going to come back to this theme again because it needs repeating – a lot.

This is Uncomfortable

This is Uncomfortable

by | Feb 3, 2017 | Finances

This is Uncomfortable

Lately, I’ve been thinking about procrastination. Why? Well, I haven’t blogged in a while, and so I’ve been thinking about why this is so. I think I love blogging, but my posting record does not bear this out. My friend and coach raises an eyebrow when I start making all these excuses about why I haven’t blogged. My latest reason is “I’m so busy.”  That is the common justification that I hear again and again from people when something doesn’t happen that was expected to happen. “Busy.” I have joined the busy club (I’m secretly a bit happy about this as I felt like I social outcast when I wasn’t “busy”, but that is another post for another day). The funny thing is, despite how busy I am, I am still powering through a lot of TV shows on Netflix.  So that busy excuse is not true – it appears I procrastinate when it comes to blogging.

So, I do have time to blog. I could do it at night instead of watching the latest episode or Rake (my current addiction). Blogging recharges me, but it is still not happening. Nope – how many weeks has it been? Afraid to look.fgvxxvxmti8-andrew-neel

Why now? I have finally reached the point of discomfort where I have to blog. Yes, being uncomfortable or forced to do something appears to be the only way I’ll do something that is not part of my regular routine or habit.

So I let myself get to the point of discomfort before doing something that I like, and I know is of benefit to me.

Are you the same as me? Do you only start doing something that is good for you when you are forced to or when you get to such a point of discomfort that it is more painful not to do it?

Where do you procrastinate? Exercise? Eating well? Taxes? (I see that last one a lot – please don’t do that to your poor accountant if you have one).

Do you procrastinate when it comes to your finances?

Or more specifically, do you procrastinate on preparing a personal budget (or spending plans as some of us financial people call them because the word “BUDGET” sends some people running in the other direction)?  Spending plan sounds hopeful, and it has the word ‘spending’ in it which some people are attracted to (often the people who don’t like the word budget).

I have been helping quite a few people with their spending plans these days and is part of the reason I’m so busy!

Is the general population suddenly realizing that their financial health is essential and getting proactive? Is that why I’m seeing more people about spending plans?

Nope, I cannot think of any client of mine that has come to me because everything is fantastic in their life and they want to be proactive about their financial health.

The people I am helping are only seeking me out because they have reached the point of discomfort in their lives where it’s harder not to start looking at their spending.

I imagine this is how personal trainers feel. I’m sure many of us finally hit the gym when we get on the scale and realize neither it nor the mirror are lying. Guilty as charged.

So I have been helping more and more people with spending plans.  What I have noticed is that everyone (ok, almost everyone) says – “well, that was pretty simple and straight forward once I started.”

The other thing they say to me is “I feel better – lighter somehow.”

After I’ve gone through a spending plan with someone, I notice that they seem calmer, more relaxed.

So with that in mind, I decided to focus on that observation when attempting to do a blog post today.

And do you know what? That heavy weight I’ve been carrying for the past few weeks is suddenly gone. I do feel lighter.

So now I’m going to challenge you to start looking at your personal finances before it gets uncomfortable and you are forced to do so.

But I realize I can’t just leave you to that with no way to start, so I’m going to tell you something else I learned from a good friend this past week. She has recently lost a lot of weight and has gotten healthy by completely cutting out sugar and dairy from her diet (yeah – that’s not going to happen for me). How did she do this? She started small and changed her eating habits gradually. She cut milk from her coffee first and has spent the past year doing one slight modification to her diet every other week.

So – if you have never done a spending plan for yourself, I’m going to ask you to start small. I want you to see how much you spend on lunch this coming two weeks.  I want you to make an envelope labelled “lunch” and keep it with you for two weeks. I want you to put all your lunch receipts in there (including grocery receipts that have lunch items on them). At the end of the two weeks, add up what you spent on lunch.

Then I want you to do dinner after you’ve finished lunch.

(I know – easy right – budgeting couldn’t be that easy could it?)

Then, you get to choose what you keep track of.

Go get that envelope right now. I challenge you.

Now I’m going to challenge myself.

Because while I was not blogging, my brain wouldn’t let me stop thinking about it and everything that crossed my path became a potential topic. This made it harder for me to start again because I couldn’t make up my mind!

Look for these exciting topics in the coming weeks:

  1. The Divorce Process sucks, why it sucks and how you can do it better.
  2. Living Apart Together (as related to finances)
  3. Agreeing to shared parenting with your Ex and why it’s an excellent choice
  4. More on procrastination because it is tax season
  5. Dating as a single parent (as related to finances – because you know, my clients are not putting it in their budgets but is that realistic? I will discuss)
  6. Being busy