by Renee leNobel | Feb 10, 2016 | Finances
The stories that play in our head are often put there by what is happening in the world around us as we grow up. We hear the stories from our parents, friends and society and depending on how loud and prevalent they are, we tend to adopt them as our world view.
When I was growing up, the story that was playing was that you have to be very careful with money and save for a rainy day that was surely coming. We could not continue to count on our good luck as someday it would change and we needed to prepare for that change.
There are many reasons why this story was prevalent in our household and in similar middle class households around us. Most of our parents were children of war and depression impacted parents and they had had this story drilled into them. Our parents simply passed along their beliefs.
Everyone interprets the stories they hear differently. One person might take the story that good luck can’t last and go out and spend their money so there is nothing to lose when that bad day comes. I chose to believe that I had to save every dollar that wasn’t going to a clearly defined necessity such as food or shelter. Every spending decision for me became a debate in my head: “do I really need this or would it be better to save my money for the day when I will not be able to make any money and will therefore otherwise be destitute?” The rainy day always won the debate in my head and I simply stopped spending money.
The only time I spent money on “fun” things was if I was with someone else who had a different story playing in their head. As a self-proclaimed people pleaser, I would tend to weigh other people’s arguments more heavily than my own. If they were telling me it was ok to spend my money on that item of clothing or fun night out, I would do it. And then I would feel horrible guilt and would spend time justifying my spending after the fact.
Sometime in my thirties, I began to recognize that I was a bit extreme in my spending habits and I modified my behaviour slightly. However I still strongly believed the story that I was going to be broke someday. Then I got married and had kids and my ability to save was severely impacted. I worried about money all the time. It was fairly exhausting.
Then I got divorced.
Well, this was all the proof I needed that I had been correct that someday things were all going to implode. My story had been confirmed.
Starting out again after a divorce is challenging. Starting out again after a divorce with the belief that the end of the world just happened and there is no way to ever get back to even a remote semblance of the financial stability one had before divorce is even more challenging.
That day that I had been planning for all my life had finally arrived. I would be financially unstable for the remainder of my life.
It is hard to move forward with that belief. For me, I tried to mitigate the damage by not taking any risks. I would horde my remaining savings and make them last until I was dead.
Then I started to notice that other people had different stories. One story that I was particularly fascinated by was the one where if you run out of money, you can simply go out and figure out a way to earn more. Really?
Another story I noticed was the gratitude story. Some friends were grateful for their good fortune of living in Canada and having jobs and felt like they were living in abundance. I noticed that they seemed to have more joy in life.
I also began to realize with time that in actual fact doomsday had not come for me. In reality, I had not become destitute. I just believed that I had. It was not true. I realized that my story was creating my not so fun reality.
What did my financial story do for me? Some people might argue that it helped me save and saving is a good thing right?
That story did help me save and I am grateful for the fact that I had some financial stability coming out of a divorce.
But did I need that story playing in my head while I saved? Did I need guilt and buyer’s remorse as my constant friends as I went through life? I would have to say I could have done without it.
I could have saved and set aside for a rainy day without all the extra baggage of guilt going around in my head. Really, it is quite easy to do. What is that saying? It is “pay yourself first.” I did that. When I got my paycheque every month I put a percentage aside as savings. That part was not hard. Why did I then have to continue to feel guilt about spending the money that was not designated savings? Because I truly believed a made-up story.
Do you have a story about money that is playing in your head? How does it affect your life and spending patterns?
Recognizing the stories we tell ourselves can illuminate how we are making decisions in life. Are you doing things based on a made up story or are you living your life according to your true values and beliefs?
Next week I will tackle a friend’s story. In her words: “my story is that it is ok for everyone else to have money – not me…at least not yet. I don’t know when it will be my turn”.
by Renee leNobel | Feb 3, 2016 | Divorce
I think our beliefs and the stories we tell ourselves drive our lives. It is what your head is telling you that determines if you will have a good day or bad day. Yes, I believe we manifest our destiny by our beliefs.
I came to this realization after a lot of self-reflection. What is it that makes one person happier than another? It is basically that the happier person believes that they are happy.
I know this from my own experience.
When I first separated from my husband, I sank into a depression. The only thing that got me out of bed everyday was just my mom strength. I couldn’t crater completely because what would happen to my kids? So I managed to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. I remember wondering how I had ever gotten to that place. I had always considered myself to be a happy person. In fact, that was my persona. I used to love reading depressing books because I wanted to experience that emotion because I did not have it in my life!
Every morning I woke up and felt terrible. The stories started playing in my head and the big one at that time was “what is the point?” I imagined just putting in time until my kids were old enough to look after themselves. This story played in my head for about a year. It sucked in all sorts of evidence to confirm that life sucks and it got bigger and bigger until one day I realized I did not want to go on.
That was not a good thought. What would happen to my kids then? I am so grateful that at that point I had a wonderful coach in my life who came to me through the Minerva Foundation. She understood what was going on and asked me the right questions to get me to the point where I could start shifting the story that I was telling myself.
The amazing thing was after a short time of telling myself a different story I started to feel better. This incremental difference in feeling felt so amazing that it was like a revelation. I started reading again (no, not depressing books). I started reading all those self-help books that I had mocked in the past. You know the ones and if you don’t, here is a list of my favourites:
Are You Ready to Succeed? Unconventional Strategies to Achieving Personal Mastery in Business and Life – Srikumar Rao
The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom – Don Miguel Ruiz
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are – Brene Brown
Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life – Byron Katie
Some of my friends noticed the change in me and asked me how I had done it. I said I just decided I was going to make myself better. When I said it that way, it didn’t seem possible and I think a few people raised more than one eyebrow and thought – yeah, right.
It wasn’t easy and it has taken some time; two years in fact, and I still tell myself some stories that are not helpful. That is what is so incredible. I have first hand evidence that the main thing that determines how my day goes is what thought I buy into when I wake up in the morning. Is it going to be a good day or a bad day? It’s as simple as that. What is not simple is letting go of those stories that make us feel terrible. They can get a hold of you and it can sometimes take a while to shake them. I rely on certain things to help me shake those stories, but that is a different blog post.
Why am I writing this post today? I was recently reminded of this by someone who wakes up everyday and says “Life is awesome!”
I had noticed that some of the stories I was starting to tell myself these days were starting to impact my day-to-day living again. I decided to adopt the “life is awesome, I’m going to crush it today” thought and for the last couple of days it has helped me get through the overwhelming thought of “HOW AM I GOING TO GET THROUGH TAX SEASON” that has been playing in my head for the last month. Life is awesome – I just will. That is my story today.
I want this blog to be the start of a series on stories we tell ourselves.
Next week’s topic? Stories we tell ourselves about money and how that affects our spending.
In that vein I would love love to have some feedback on a story that you tell yourself about money. I know mine. Mine is I’m broke, I cannot spend. What’s yours?
by Renee leNobel | Jan 27, 2016 | Finances
Do you have your own business? Are you contemplating starting your own business? I recommend you think about putting structures into place to maintain work-life balance.
Or not.
Yeah, I’m conflicted about this. I love my job. I love it so much that other things have basically flown out the window. Today someone asked me what my hobbies are. Hobbies? Uh…I guess work does not count? I was too embarrassed to admit that Netflix is a hobby. I felt bad all afternoon as I have no hobbies anymore!
When I couldn’t come up with hobbies, I started to beat myself up more. How did this happen? How did I become a workaholic when in my prior life I had the tag phrase: “Renee, the only thing she is passionate about is her leisure time?”
One of the main things that happened is that I started to practice gratitude. When I look at my life now, I look at everything that I am grateful for. When you spend your day thinking about how grateful you are to have the work that you are doing, it suddenly takes on a different hue. You want to be doing it.
I also feel like I have chosen all my work. No one is making me do it.
But there is something else. A sole proprietor who works from home has no clear divides between when the working day starts and when it ends. As soon as you get up and are awake, you are potentially at work.
A friend put it to me this way:
The difference between someone that works a nine to five job and a sole proprietor is that the person who works nine to five has clearly defined non working hours that they do not get paid for but the sole proprietor can work anytime and anywhere. As there are no clear “personal life hours” it is easy to slide into a pattern where you simply work if you have nothing else going on. Especially if you love it!
I have discovered that I do everything that I need to get done in my life (feed the kids, do laundry, shop) and the time that is not spent taking care of kids and household, I spend on work. If nothing is scheduled, I start working.
So as much as I like my work, I recognize that not having some other interests could potentially lead to burnout and general unhealthiness as I sit in front of my computer all day.
I’ve come to the conclusion that as a sole proprietor or entrepreneur, one has to schedule leisure time. Simply having free time does not work. It is like a vacuum into which work rushes in.
Time to book that weekly exercise class. To ensure I go, I’ll pay up front. Accountants hate wasting money!
I have decided. I need to start scheduling my time off. Just like you have to be sitting at your desk as an employee for certain hours, I will have to create a non-work schedule and punch the old in and out timecard to make sure I adhere to it.
by Renee leNobel | Jan 19, 2016 | Parenting
When I think back on my life when my first born was in his first year, I recall thinking that I was soooo glad that I wasn’t a single parent. I was in awe of people that were living as single parents.
Fast forward a number of years and I find myself living as a single parent of two spirited boys for half of my life. The other half I am footloose and fancy free (well, not really, for the other half I’m catching up on work that I didn’t get done when the kids were with me).
So I don’t think of myself as a true single parent…except on the days that I am. Fortunately, I don’t have much time to self-reflect on those days but occasionally some thoughts creep in such as “single parenting really sucks.”
On those days I wake up at my usual 5:30am (as my body just won’t stay asleep – darn morning person genes) and I sneak to my work nook and start working to maximize my time. That is, if I manage to sneak quietly enough so my morning child doesn’t hear me get up. He has instant mommy sense and knows when I’m awake. He will follow me down and start pestering me with “can I watch TV?” So if I do manage it, then I work. If I don’t manage to dodge the kid then I get sucked into entertaining him until his late-sleeping brother wakes up. I make their breakfast and lunch and hustle them out the door for school. I come back, work, work, work and then get them from school, make dinner, clean up mounds of detritus that they haul home from school with them, get them to bed and then try to work some more only to pass out and wake up to do it all over again. Was that a run-on-sentence? I think it mirrors well what my days are like when I have the kids.
Occasionally my kids’ dad goes away on work trips and I have the kids for two week or more stretches. It is during those stretches that I realize how well and truly being a single parent sucks and I thank my lucky stars that I will get a break in the near future to recover when my co-parent comes back.
Of course, having a co-parent isn’t all rosy. After all, my co-parent and I could not live together for many reasons and so it is still quite challenging to parent together. Some days when we are having significant differences of opinion I start to think to myself that I would love to be a single parent and be in control of the situation and not have to deal with my unreasonable co-parent.
Then I get the kids back and try to figure out a way to deal with my co-parent again.
My experience is leading me to some pretty set ideas about how to make my life run more smoothly.
The first idea is that single parents need a lot of support. A lot. I have been working at building myself that support.
What kind of support do I need? I need breaks to recharge. These breaks don’t have to be everyday but I need to know that they are coming so I can continue to get myself up everyday to power through when I do have the kids. I also need people who are in a similar situation that I can talk to. It also helps to know that if I do crater, I have a backup plan (i.e. my co-parent).
I have been working at implementing this system for the past few years and it is getting there. Society is beginning to recognize that being a single parent is hard and there is support out there if you look for it. I also build my own and I started to do this because my friends, family and society understand that single parenting is hard and so pester me to find support.
The other idea that has been flitting around in my head is that society tends to talk about single moms but not so much about single dads. They are out there too and they also need support. My brain has been wondering if dads have had this idea planted into their brains enough. We all hear about single moms, but what about single dads? Is there support for them?
The reason I’m wondering about this is because I’m relying on my co-parent to be there when I need that break. I’m also wondering if dads have been hearing the message that they need support. If they are not hearing this message, then they are not going out to get it. I’ve done a brief survey on the internet of support for single dads and the closest support group I could find was in Toronto on the other side of the country. Perhaps this is why dads often seem to jump into new relationships more frequently than women. They need to get another “mom” involved to help because there aren’t societal structures in place for dads.
My last thought on this subject is that for me to rely on my co-parent, I have to get along with him and him with me. I’m not going to ask him for help if I’m not speaking to him.
I have gone through stages where I’ve been fairly angry with my co-parent. I was at my angriest when we first separated. I held myself back from going in for the kill during our divorce process and chose the Collaborative approach to divorce where both parties agree to stay out of the court system. I chose this based on my understanding that it is conflict between parents that affects kids most. I chose the path of least conflict and convinced my co-parent to do the same. It is only now that I realize that this path has benefited me and my lifestyle as a parent going forward. I can talk with my co-parent and through this process we have developed systems and strategies for getting along. What would we have done if we had both gone for the jugular and dragged the other through the court process? One major support system would be gone for both of us. Who suffers? Kids who have burnt out parents and of course parents.
If you are embarking on a life as a single parent, understand it is hard. Try to build in systems that will support and sustain you to live as a single parent.
by Renee leNobel | Jan 10, 2016 | Divorce
I have a good friend who is very insightful and she has done it again. She has inspired this week’s post.
We hadn’t talked in awhile and we started talking about how we are each doing in life. She has Lupus – a chronic inflammatory disease that occurs when your body’s immune system attacks your own tissues and organs and I have an ex. Now it wasn’t me that made this connection, she did. She said “Renee, your ex is like a chronic disease you have no control over. Just like a disease that flares up unexpectedly in life, so does your ex.”
He has recently “flared up” as she so succinctly put it.
Another friend noted that ex flare ups tend to happen around stressful times of the year, birthdays, Christmas… yup, right again.
I especially liked the part where she said I have no control over it, just like she has no control over when her Lupus hits.
Now, some people might object to this comparison because after all I made the choice of marrying my ex and it really is only my perception that he is flaring up. It’s simply a matter of opinion that something he has said or done is stressful to me. That is the difference here. It is mostly my reaction to my ex that causes me stress and pain whereas with my friend, her lupus is a concrete disease that she has to deal with.
That said, she has noticed that if she modifies her diet and tries to maintain a healthy lifestyle, it helps decrease the severity of her Lupus flare ups. I too have implemented strategies that prevent severe reactions to ex flare ups.
I have cut back on coffee (sigh), I exercise (well, not lately, but that’s my goal) and I have built my ex flare up response system.
My ex flare ups come on suddenly. Out of nowhere. They are infrequent but severe. I don’t see them coming. They just hit.
Now I don’t know what my friend does when a severe Lupus flare up occurs, but I have learned what to do when an extreme ex flare up hits as even though I don’t know when it is coming, I have lived through enough that I have had to develop a strategy.
The first thing I do is dump my first knee jerk emotional response into an email (making sure I remove his address first). I put in everything that is upsetting me at that very moment. I go for it. Then I hit SEND and send it to my dummy email account. I’m not sure how it works, but it calms me down.
Then I give myself time. I don’t run off to my support network to scream about the latest outrage being perpetrated by the ex (well, not for a few days anyway as I guess this blog post did come out of talking, ahem, ranting, to my network).
I take deep breaths, I meditate and I practice gratitude and remind myself that the future never turns out the way I imagine and certainly not the worst case scenario that I tend to gravitate towards in my thoughts.
Now, all these strategies don’t make the flare up go away but they do alleviate some of the symptoms such as lack of sleep and extreme grumpiness.
These strategies also get me to the best mood for dealing with my ex. Before managing myself, I would tend to fight or avoid my ex, but after time I get back to understanding I need to collaborate with my ex.
Because fighting it just exacerbates the flare up and avoiding it, well, that just puts me in into a waiting and apprehensive state.
So I sent my ex and email and proposed we talk in person with some collaborative ground rules set in place.
After a series of meetings and conversations, the flare up has subsided. We have settled back into a good routine and I will continue to work on strategies to decrease the frequency of ex flare ups in the future.
